Opinion: Am I wrong for wanting my maiden name back?

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by happymomofthree

Macrina,

Good question (and thank you by the way). I would also like to know from 'lovesmountains' what "damage" I could do to my kids by changing their name.

I was referring to the psychological damage - and don't think for one minute there won't be any just because they are so young right now

One day (hopefully when they are much, much older) they will have to live with the knowledge of how he died - a drunk driver.

Though I am certain your children are very bright (all moms think this about our kids!), it won't take a genius to put two and two together - Dad was a bad person, so bad that Mom wouldn't even let us keep his name.

By changing their names are you somehow trying to change their identity? I could see doing this if his last name had been Hitler or Dhamer - they were truly evil men, and it might be better for their kids not to have known they have any association with them (if they had had kids).

What you need to remember is that YOU chose this man to be their father. You don't get a "do over" with who they are now just because you didn't like him when he died.

Was he a flawed human being - yes. Did he do some bad things - yes. But he is still their father and they need to know it.

Once you remove his name and likely go on to marry again they will have less and less of their original identity. As teens and young adults this could come back to bite you in the butt - it happens when young people don't have a firm grasp on who they really are or where they come from. A name is not just a name. A name is your history, your family story. Please don't rob them of theirs.

[ChessieMom]

Originally Posted by happymomofthree

Thanks for your input. I wanted to change the kids' last name so that we'd all have the same name. I just didn't want us to have different names.

I'm in total agreement with that. I've been divorced for many years now, but I've kept my married name because it's simply much easier with my son - school, doctors, etc. If I had not had a child, I would have definitely changed my name back.

[Oerdin]

Originally Posted by The Man in SATX

Personaly speaking.. it isnt really your right to change your kids last name.

I have to agree. She can change her name if she wants but it is not right to try to change the children's surname.

[CESpeed]

Originally Posted by happymomofthree

CESpeed,

The reason why I mentioned the toxicology report and his mother is b/c of your previous reply. You said, "And if you try to defend yourself, be prepared to hear statements like "You're only saying that because he isn't here to defend himself." My point was, I wouldn't have to defend myself to his family b/c they already know everything through his confession and the report. The only exception is that his mother doesn't know he was drinking and driving just the infidelity part. I told my sister-in-law first and she decided that we shouldn't tell the mother b/c that would break her heart.

Also you said, "Do you honestly think she's going to let you raise the children with only negative impressions of their father?" Where is that coming from? ImpressionS. ImpressionS? I wouldn't leave negative impressionS of their father. For all they know, he's Mr. Perfect and loved them very much. He was good to THEM and that's what they know.

You're going to hear this from the children not the people who are presently adults. I don't really trust anything my mother says about my father because she has a decided advantage to her stories no one can verify or deny what she is saying.

[WAOrganicFarmWannabe]

Anyway, in any case like this, I'd explain "gender neutral" to the children and why you want your maiden name back. It would have made more sense to do this however, if you had kept your maiden name or regretted taking his name, not wanting to go back to your maiden name because the marriage has ended. After explaining to the children as I've suggested, it would be up to them to decide. If they decide to keep their names, they can always take another in the future. Actually I came on here looking for friendships with other wives who would not take their husband's surname under any circumstances.