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A lot of women also need to realise that they are putting their man/son in a difficult position. If I ever faced such a problem, I would take each of them to the side and have a word and tell them to act like adults and not children. How would you women like if your husband and your father always argued? It would drive you nuts.
Another thing is, women who expect their husband to take her side even though SHE is wrong are bang out of order. Expecting blind loyalty is ridiculous. If you are wrong, and my mother is right, I will say so. And vice versa, if she is wrong and you are right, I will say so.
Finally, lot of women love to throw the "mamas boy" insult at men. I've been called that a few times, simply because I made a few decisions that my then girlfriends didn't like. Suck on it and cry me a river. Good riddance.
Mom is every man's excuse for living. And mother always comes first. Mostly because women may come and go, but mother remains and girls really should acknowledge and respect that.
I've always thought that judging by the type of women that i like and by the type of woman that my mom is, they will NEVER be friends. So i keep them as far away from each other as possible. If i do get stuck with both of them, however, in some closed space, i tend to bring them together by uniting them against a common enemy (me). You know, when you find something they both hate about you and just let them unite against a you and rant about it. It really brings them together and helps me avoid conflicts between them.
A lot of women also need to realise that they are putting their man/son in a difficult position. If I ever faced such a problem, I would take each of them to the side and have a word and tell them to act like adults and not children. How would you women like if your husband and your father always argued? It would drive you nuts.
Another thing is, women who expect their husband to take her side even though SHE is wrong are bang out of order. Expecting blind loyalty is ridiculous. If you are wrong, and my mother is right, I will say so. And vice versa, if she is wrong and you are right, I will say so.
Finally, lot of women love to throw the "mamas boy" insult at men. I've been called that a few times, simply because I made a few decisions that my then girlfriends didn't like. Suck on it and cry me a river. Good riddance.
You're smart. With 50% chance of any marriage failing anyway, blood will always be thicker.
You can always get another girlfriend. You will always only have one Mother.
(Of course no woman should put up with mother-in-laws who are tyrannical. But a normal loving relationship between mom and son is expected and should be supported.)
Mom is every man's excuse for living. And mother always comes first. Mostly because women may come and go, but mother remains and girls really should acknowledge and respect that.
Yeah, well, you keep telling your female companions that. I'm sure you'll find one that will be willing to put up with it. My heels would be on fire, as fast as I would run away from any guy who professed that
What I discovered, personally, is that my dh became more the 'man he wanted to be' once he married. Ohhh, I kept him in line with his mother's wishes the first few years we married; I wanted to stay in her good book; but after a few years I noticed a stubbornness in his attitude and began to support what *he* wanted to do. I believe he discovered that, once married, he wanted to stop following the path of least resistance. I prompted him by standing with him and saying "if this is what you want to do, your mom will just have to deal."
Dh hated going to church, but continued because his mom griped if he stopped. I always found it boring, but insisted we attend because it made his mom happy. Once we stopped going (having to endure frowny looks and passive-aggressive remarks from MIL) we found much more enjoyable things to do on Sunday mornings. He dropped the conservative thinking of his family and became more moderate. I was more the liberal but kept my mouth shut around his folks; Dh became a lot less stringent in his thinking about politics, supporting who he liked rather than following the party line (it wouldn't matter to my ILs if the politician was a purple people eater. as long as they were a Republican, they would support them).
He became a lot less worried about her feelings, when it crossed what he wanted to to do. MIL professed being 'hurt' when we decided to put our first house on the market. She really liked that place. Dh gave her a puzzled look and said "well, Silverwing and I are the ones who had to live there. I'm sorry you feel that way but this is how we have decided to live."
Around the 20 year mark of our marriage, I was in sort of a reflective mood and asked Dh if he was happy. He certainly wasn't the exact same person in his 50s as he had been in his 30s, when we married. Giving me a startled look, he said "hell yeah. I like myself much more now. I can't believe the drip I was back then."
I would never class him a mama's boy; I heard many years after the fact that she made some comments about me during our courtship that he swiftly shut her down about; but he did grow up and become his own person. I don't believe any man really does that until he decides to quit hanging on mama's teat and thinking that she has to be first in his life. That's just plain ... infantile.
And, for the record, I am the one who keeps Dh in communication with his mother. I doubt that he'd do more than call her on Mother's Day and the holidays if it weren't for my reminders: "hey, it's been three weeks since you last spoke to your mom. Don't you think you should call her?" <scowl> from Dh and the comment "damn, all she'll do is yap for an hour about stuff I have no interest in. do I have to?" Me (firm, mommy-mode voice) "yes, you do. it won't kill you to acknowledge her existence. she is your mom, after all."
Last edited by silverwing; 04-23-2010 at 01:52 PM..
Yeah, well, you keep telling your female companions that. I'm sure you'll find one that will be willing to put up with it. My heels would be on fire, as fast as I would run away from any guy who professed that
What I discovered, personally, is that my dh became more the 'man he wanted to be' once he married. Ohhh, I kept him in line with his mother's wishes the first few years we married; I wanted to stay in her good book; but after a few years I noticed a stubbornness in his attitude and began to support what *he* wanted to do. I believe he discovered that, once married, he wanted to stop following the path of least resistance. I prompted him by standing with him and saying "if this is what you want to do, your mom will just have to deal."
Dh hated going to church, but continued because his mom griped if he stopped. I always found it boring, but insisted we attend because it made his mom happy. Once we stopped going (having to endure frowny looks and passive-aggressive remarks from MIL) we found much more enjoyable things to do on Sunday mornings. He dropped the conservative thinking of his family and became more moderate. I was more the liberal but kept my mouth shut around his folks; Dh became a lot less stringent in his thinking about politics, supporting who he liked rather than following the party line (it wouldn't matter to my ILs if the politician was a purple people eater. as long as they were a Republican, they would support them).
He became a lot less worried about her feelings, when it crossed what he wanted to to do. MIL professed being 'hurt' when we decided to put our first house on the market. She really liked that place. Dh gave her a puzzled look and said "well, Silverwing and I are the ones who had to live there. I'm sorry you feel that way but this is how we have decided to live."
Around the 20 year mark of our marriage, I was in sort of a reflective mood and asked Dh if he was happy. He certainly wasn't the exact same person in his 50s as he had been in his 30s, when we married. Giving me a startled look, he said "hell yeah. I like myself much more now. I can't believe the drip I was back then."
I would never class him a mama's boy; I heard many years after the fact that she made some comments about me during our courtship that he swiftly shut her down about; but he did grow up and become his own person. I don't believe any man really does that until he decides to quit hanging on mama's teat and thinking that she has to be first in his life. That's just plain ... infantile.
And, for the record, I am the one who keeps Dh in communication with his mother. I doubt that he'd do more than call her on Mother's Day and the holidays if it weren't for my reminders: "hey, it's been three weeks since you last spoke to your mom. Don't you think you should call her?" <scowl> from Dh and the comment "damn, all she'll do is yap for an hour about stuff I have no interest in. do I have to?" Me (firm, mommy-mode voice) "yes, you do. it won't kill you to acknowledge her existence. she is your mom, after all."
Enjoyed reading your story. I think its good inspiration for the modern day couple.
Common sense is so important , and some how our days are giving birth to
immaturity, eg anybody seen movie .."Old Dogs" Wow Imagine a relative getting stuck with a guy like that ....still wimping out in their 50's
No doubt about it, our unfolding culture is over-drawn on the grow up account.
Very nice story .
Mom is every man's excuse for living. And mother always comes first. Mostly because women may come and go, but mother remains and girls really should acknowledge and respect that.
I've always thought that judging by the type of women that i like and by the type of woman that my mom is, they will NEVER be friends. So i keep them as far away from each other as possible. If i do get stuck with both of them, however, in some closed space, i tend to bring them together by uniting them against a common enemy (me). You know, when you find something they both hate about you and just let them unite against a you and rant about it. It really brings them together and helps me avoid conflicts between them.
I think this is a great post as it shows a real caring for the Mother as well the ..."main squeeze"
Alot of guys won't follow this route (amicable destiny) and will "use" the Mothers extended attention to create momentum in competition with the
"girlfriend-wife"
As many couples will be in a "competitive" mode the mother in law becomes a handy tool for the wimpy guy establishing security in a partner . (Indicative of the wimpy Mamma's boy)
Focusing on practical life skills is super advise , super way of keeping great peace
No, mama should not always be #1. I have a son and will step to the side when he is married and never try to compete with her.
I know what it's like to be w/a mama's boy - miserable. I was attacked by a stranger several years ago, hours before our friends arrived at our lake house for a nice, relaxing weekend. It was devastating but our friends were wonderful and took over my hostess duties and treated me like a guest in my own home. We took a boat ride and I started to relax a little, realizing this attacker didn't know me and couldn't find me. We docked the boat and as we were walking back to the house, a light came on. His parents showed up at OUR vacation home, uninvited and knowing we had a house full of company - ie, kids on a sofa and camping on the deck. Because I didn't run and greet his mother, I was cruelly chastised in front of everyone because "I might have hurt Mother's feelings". Are you kidding the police told us this guy intended to take me and do harm less than 12 hours ago. I was standing in the yard trying to figure out how to juggle everyone so they had a place to sleep, not being rude! I ended up sleeping on the floor and I was bruised head to toe, but I guess I was being rude to "Mother". We ended it 3 wks later, I couldn't take it any more.
As confirmation, my future mother in law told me only 2 days ago, a mother should never come between her child and their spouse and never try to be #1. I love this woman!
A normal person could not help being "touched" by the heartache in your story, Tuesdaygirl.
This is just an awful experience and , it seems that rotten things gravitate towards the nicest, least deserving people.
If you enjoy watching movies keep clear of a movie called..."Old Dogs" Robin the wimp Williams
On a good note , if your really in the mood to pop that popcorn, I find the old movies from the 30's and 40's an absolute great deal. (no bracing yourself for weird
social interpretations) Just good , end of the day story telling
Your mom will always be there for you,outside women not so much
The right women will be. This can be your measuring stick.
No..? Too far fetched ?
Be mindful, it will never be , if you believe otherwise. (opinion)
If you believe the right women will be there for you , it should open the door with a good person to be , herself.
Thats just an opinion . Expect good things and if very dissapointed
move on , quickly.
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