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Old 04-19-2010, 02:09 PM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,574 posts, read 3,843,040 times
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fair enough, I understand what you're saying.
I guess this is one of these situations where there is no "right" or "wrong", it's just a personal taste thing.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Redisca View Post
Unfortunately, the more we think that way, the more intolerant we become of the vagaries of life, and the more easily traumatized to the point of total mental incapacitation. As I've stated elsewhere, I grew up in Russia. When I was a child, the World War II generation was still fairly young and robust. These were people who nearly everyone had lost someone to the Nazis, and lots of people lost their entire families. All saw the horrors of war in their own backyard. Plenty of women were raped and people of both sexes brutally tortured or used as slave labor. And yet, when it was over, the overwhelming majority of people moved on and rebuilt their lives. Without talking about the horrors ad nauseam. The human psyche is actually very resilient -- unless we treat it as, indeed demand that it become the most fragile thing in the world.
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Old 04-19-2010, 10:20 PM
 
11,001 posts, read 6,830,928 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Redisca View Post
Unfortunately, the more we think that way, the more intolerant we become of the vagaries of life, and the more easily traumatized to the point of total mental incapacitation. As I've stated elsewhere, I grew up in Russia. When I was a child, the World War II generation was still fairly young and robust. These were people who nearly everyone had lost someone to the Nazis, and lots of people lost their entire families. All saw the horrors of war in their own backyard. Plenty of women were raped and people of both sexes brutally tortured or used as slave labor. And yet, when it was over, the overwhelming majority of people moved on and rebuilt their lives. Without talking about the horrors ad nauseam. The human psyche is actually very resilient -- unless we treat it as, indeed demand that it become the most fragile thing in the world.

It's okay, I'm not directing my disagreement at you personally.
For millions of women, rape is not a casual thing. That's why there are therapists full of patients that have been raped. You seem to condone that women or men who have been through this shouldn't talk about it. But isn't that like shutting down your own feelings? Burying them? Pretending your feelings don't matter, won't make things normal again, it will just make people angry inside.
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Old 04-19-2010, 10:40 PM
 
Location: down south
483 posts, read 1,004,629 times
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I will tell you it doesn't matter to me. I don't know how I would feel deep down if things like this really happen to me, I consider myself fairly open-minded, tolerant and understanding. So I think it really doesn't matter to me. But if things get so unfortunate that there is actually that much men's pettiness left in my system, I'm absolutely sure that my conscience would shame myself into going out of my way to comfort/love, or at least show gesture of love to her to the point that without some pretty thorough introspection, I might not be able to know it matters to me myself.
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Old 04-20-2010, 05:12 AM
 
Location: NYC area
3,486 posts, read 3,268,880 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by temptation001 View Post
For millions of women, rape is not a casual thing.
I'm not saying it is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by temptation001 View Post
That's why there are therapists full of patients that have been raped.
These therapists approach every patient with the same standards and expectations, and for all the reasons that I've stated, they do more harm than good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by temptation001 View Post
You seem to condone that women or men who have been through this shouldn't talk about it.
I am saying that women or men who have been through this should handle it in a way that works for them. Some people do better by not talking about it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by temptation001 View Post
But isn't that like shutting down your own feelings? Burying them? Pretending your feelings don't matter, won't make things normal again, it will just make people angry inside.
Acknowledging that your feelings matter doesn't necessarily mean that it's good to broadcast them. And by the way, theoretically, if an SO asked me how I feel about getting raped, I would consider that an insultingly intrusive question. As for the rest, again, it depends on the personality. Some people feel better by talking about their feelings, some feel worse. I just don't see why it should be an axiom that you MUST talk about how you feel, and you MUST think about it, and godforbid you let your mind wander off to something else, OMG YOU ARE BURYING YOUR FEELINGS!!! Quick! Get help, get a therapist! Let's revive this dead horse, so we can torture it some more! I'm sorry, but I simply fail to understand why a victim of rape shouldn't be allowed to just go on with her life. If putting it all behind you and finding the strength to live a good life is detrimental to your feelings -- then I say, screw them "feelings". "Feelings" butter no parsnips. You know what? This society wallows in "feelings". We can't get enough of "feelings". When we don't have enough of our own wounds to nurse, we go for the pornographic thrill of exploring other people's "feelings". Frankly, I think it's counterproductive at best, sick at worst. It's not always a bad idea to get out of touch with your feelings for a while. It might just give you the strength and the rationality necessary to put your life back together. And getting away from the subject of rape, if there is a horror in your life that's ongoing, getting out of touch with your feelings may be the only way you'll be able to get through the day without shutting down completely.

Last edited by Redisca; 04-20-2010 at 05:23 AM..
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Old 04-20-2010, 06:29 AM
 
Location: Saudi Arabia
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If she admits .. fair enough .. if she hides or tries to cover up .. not fair !! .. there should be an emotional bond and a certain level of maturity ..nobody asks for trouble .. if dealt with wisely..theres always a solution ! ..
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Old 04-20-2010, 06:40 AM
 
Location: Saudi Arabia
1,823 posts, read 1,005,666 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Redisca View Post
I'm not saying it is.

These therapists approach every patient with the same standards and expectations, and for all the reasons that I've stated, they do more harm than good.

I am saying that women or men who have been through this should handle it in a way that works for them. Some people do better by not talking about it.

Acknowledging that your feelings matter doesn't necessarily mean that it's good to broadcast them. And by the way, theoretically, if an SO asked me how I feel about getting raped, I would consider that an insultingly intrusive question. As for the rest, again, it depends on the personality. Some people feel better by talking about their feelings, some feel worse. I just don't see why it should be an axiom that you MUST talk about how you feel, and you MUST think about it, and godforbid you let your mind wander off to something else, OMG YOU ARE BURYING YOUR FEELINGS!!! Quick! Get help, get a therapist! Let's revive this dead horse, so we can torture it some more! I'm sorry, but I simply fail to understand why a victim of rape shouldn't be allowed to just go on with her life. If putting it all behind you and finding the strength to live a good life is detrimental to your feelings -- then I say, screw them "feelings". "Feelings" butter no parsnips. You know what? This society wallows in "feelings". We can't get enough of "feelings". When we don't have enough of our own wounds to nurse, we go for the pornographic thrill of exploring other people's "feelings". Frankly, I think it's counterproductive at best, sick at worst. It's not always a bad idea to get out of touch with your feelings for a while. It might just give you the strength and the rationality necessary to put your life back together. And getting away from the subject of rape, if there is a horror in your life that's ongoing, getting out of touch with your feelings may be the only way you'll be able to get through the day without shutting down completely.
when the saints go marching in
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Old 04-20-2010, 07:02 AM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
8,857 posts, read 10,676,586 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Redisca View Post
It's not always a bad idea to get out of touch with your feelings for a while. It might just give you the strength and the rationality necessary to put your life back together. And getting away from the subject of rape, if there is a horror in your life that's ongoing, getting out of touch with your feelings may be the only way you'll be able to get through the day without shutting down completely.
This is very true. I had to do this while coping with a very painful loss. The only way to heal, cope, and recover was to block him out of my mind entirely until I was ready to come to terms with his death. It's been two and half years now, and I am just now allowing myself to think about him, remember him in a healthy light, and accept his death. I had to deal with the guilt of blocking him out, but with the help of counseling I was able to overcome that as well.

Everyone heals at their own pace, and sometimes you really do need to set something on the shelf until you are ready to deal with it, not everything needs to be dealt with right away, dissected, and talked about incessantly. Sometimes the only way to function and get your strength back is to block something out until you can finally come to cope with it on your own terms. YMMV.

Last edited by Coolhand68; 04-20-2010 at 08:10 AM.. Reason: Spelling correction
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Old 04-20-2010, 07:59 AM
 
2,835 posts, read 7,140,749 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coolhand68 View Post
This is very true. I had to do this while coping with a very painful loss. The only way to heal, cope, and recover was to block him out of my mind entirely until I was ready to come to terms with his death. It's been two and half years now, and I am just now allowing myself to think about him, remember him in a healthy light, and accept his death. I had to deal with the guilt of blocking him out, but with the help of counseling I was able to overcome that as well.

Everyone heals at their own pace, and sometimes you really do need to set something on the shelf until you are ready to deal with it, not everything needs to be dealt with right away, dissected, and talked about insessantly. Sometimes the only way to function and get your strength back is to block something out until you can finally come to cope with it on your own terms. YMMV.
Wow...I have been doing this VERY same thing...but never could put it into words or even understand it. 2 years for me.....I don't have any guilt though...as I'm sure my Dad is happier that I am the way I am now.
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Old 04-20-2010, 08:08 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 9,664,430 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coolhand68 View Post
This is very true. I had to do this while coping with a very painful loss. The only way to heal, cope, and recover was to block him out of my mind entirely until I was ready to come to terms with his death. It's been two and half years now, and I am just now allowing myself to think about him, remember him in a healthy light, and accept his death. I had to deal with the guilt of blocking him out, but with the help of counseling I was able to overcome that as well.

Everyone heals at their own pace, and sometimes you really do need to set something on the shelf until you are ready to deal with it, not everything needs to be dealt with right away, dissected, and talked about insessantly. Sometimes the only way to function and get your strength back is to block something out until you can finally come to cope with it on your own terms. YMMV.

I agree, every person should be allowed to heal in their own way.
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Old 04-20-2010, 08:46 AM
 
Location: Georgia
897 posts, read 834,909 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovebug11768 View Post
If you found out that the woman you are dating was gang raped when she was younger, would it change your feelings towards her. I know a lot of guys say it doesn't matter but deep down, I think it does matter to most men.

No it wouldn't,She couldn't help that happening. I would try to give even more emotional support in that situation.
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