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We work together. He started there a little over a year ago. We are of equal status so that was never an issue. In my opinion he gives mixed signals but remeber I like him so I could be reading what I want from this into it. I am going to be as objective as possible.
When he gets to work, the first thing he does after he settles in, is to come to my desk and say hello, tells me if he has a lot of work and if so, that he will be back after he is done and comes back. If he doesn't have a lot of work, then he just stands by my desk and we talk for no less than an hour unless I have a lot work to do. (lol, yes, we have a VERY relaxed job that i more by case load and when we finish our load then there is very little to do). This has been the pattern for a year now, five days a week.
we talk about and have already talked about everything under the sun from the most personal to superficial. I know his fears, he knows mine. I know him. he knows me.
he has never asked me to hang out outside of work. I recently asked him why and have questioned if our friendship would continue out side work b/c he is leaving the job soon. he told me that about three months into knowing him I made a joke that since we see each other at work so much that I would probably get sick of him if I saw him outside work. He said that comment pissed him off when I said it but he never said anything to me. However, he also makes future plans for us for going places around the city. he doesn't bring them back up so actual plans will be made thoug my gut tlls me that he is waiting for me to make the actual plan in light of the above joke i made...
we had a little falling out recently. I realized my feeling were getting serious for him. he IS my friend, no questions or doubts about that what so ever. However I had to ask myself if i could continue being just his friend. i started to feel likei was tainting out friendship bc i harbored new feelings for him that i feel he could never have for me. so, i walked up to him one day and told him i didn't think we should be friends anymore. thats it and walked away. I cried later. he left work. a coworker saw him leave told me he was very upset, knew it had to be something dealing with me. We didn't see each other the week end, I couldn't think all weekend.
later i ask him if we could talk. he said sure, we went to lunch. he told me about how confused he was, that he had not done anything wrong, how everything reminded him of me. how bad work was gonna be. That I really didn't understand how much i really mean to him and that he sees me in his life. (weird thing alert and don't know how to read) he tells me that he kept saying to himself, now she is not gonna be in my wedding, how am i gonna get in his wedding. My heart flutters. I know I should have taken this opportunity to say something but I did not. we stare into each others eye (yes, I am still being objective and honest as possible) and I follow it up with a joke to cover and I say, what do you mean? I am going to be your best man in a tux, that's odd, you don't think your wife would have a problem with that? He laughs, and say, not on my side, I mean I wonder if you don't know my wife, how am I gonna get you on the bride's side. sigh. We sit across from one another, just looking into each other's eyes. When we get up to leave we are walking side by side and he looks me in my eyes again and tells me I mean so much to him. We just click and he has never questioned it, he doesn't get sick of it.
so we pick up where we left off. i thought I had this suppressed feelings thing under control but i don't. he asked me to his graduation. he warned me that his mom is coming and that its a big possibility that she will ask me to join for dinner. I immediatley ask him what he wanted me to do and he told me he wants me to come to the graduation and the dinner. I say yes, I get my hopes up. So a few days later I tell him Im sorry i wont be able to go at all. he says ok, like no big deal.
He has admitted to me that when he first started the job, he used to try and flirt with me but I never gave him anything back. I joked and told him, well it wasn't obvious cuz I couldn't tell. he laughs and then makes some obvious flirty pass.
we have also had talks about what our kids would look like and he has pointed out certain features he hopes "our kids" get from him and me. How we would be great parents together...
you may be reading this and asking yourself, what the hell is my problem b/c this sounds pretty clear like he likes me right? Nope. I have good reason.
1. He is single but he was dating this other girl off and on for about four months...I listened to how perfect she was. How he thinks about her. How pretty she is. How perfect her body is. How he still wanted her even though he found out that she had a very longterm bf. Even though she would stand him up and never call. Even though she would see him and walk away. He still wanted her. He tells me about all dates and potential dates...im not the jealous type, I keep my kool, instead at this point it kinda hurts my feelins. Like I said, he is my friend and I want him to be happy even if it is not with me, he is a good person, hence why I feel this way, and he deserves to be with someone he is passionate about.
2. we were going to go to a lil after work thing at a local bar with coworkers, we started joking about getting drunk. I told him, I'm not an angry drunk but a very happy drunk, he says to me,"eww, well, dont flirt with me bc that would be weird" and makes a fing face. And then follows up with, ima be looking at girls.
3. he has another female friend who he did have a romantic crush on and was never able to tell her. every nice thing I have said above about how he treats me, double it for her. There is nothing he has done for me or feeling he has shared with me ,except for anger...we have had lil spats, that he has not shared with her. That is always in my mind. Now he says he in very over her in that way but they remain the same type of close friends. His friends also think that he will end up with her. He has meet her parents. She has meet his friends. I have not. She told him a while ago that she doesn't see him as more than afriend but more recently told hm that she gets a lil jealous when he hangs out with other girls and he confessed the same to her. Mind you I know all this stuff cuz he tells me. Also, about the graduation thing, he doesn't have to invite her, b/c she is graduating that same day and will be spedning that time with her family.
4. He has told me what he is attracted to and well, I'm not it. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't think I am ugly, he has told me on several occassion that I look nice and complimented me on my body and even my face and features...(he thinks we would have beautiful kids remember...lol arg.) Its the color of my eyes and hair. He likes blondes and blue eyes and I have very green eyes and dark rbrown reddish hair.
5. when he was 5 his older sister died. he has told me he thinks that i kinda fill that void. (wouldn't this explain any good stuff above, like the i mean a lot to him stuff, and the eye contact?)
6. I know there are othr body signs that a guy can throw however, he knows I am weird about being touched so he never tries. We have hugged though. Usually he is comforting me from a bad day or something.
I have feelings for him than more than I friend. I tell myself if we are really friends and this is supposed to last as a friendship, then i should have no fear. he accepts me for me and nothing wil change that. It will be odd at first but our friendship will endure.
easiler said than done. I have tried to tell him.
I damn near thinks he knows. The problem is this, as my feelings grow for him, Imess up our friendship. I deliberatley push him away in anyway I can. honeslt I am surprised he is still friends with me cuzI havebeen an emotional rollercoaster recently towards him. Im happy thn Im pissed but it is not intentional, I just don't know how to deal. So I feel stuck between this frustration/anger/feeling of rejection and being over looked and missing the man and wanting just our friendship. Ipray at night now for my feelings to go away so I can have my friend back. SOmetimes I tell myself about how things will never work out and I would be ruining a great life long friendship. What the hell is wqrong with me? My feelings right now are not all worth that.I tell myself what a ****ty friend I am for putting him through my outward ups and downs when all he is doing is exactly what friends do...
My feelings have grown over time. I do not want them to get deeper and the only way know is to cut him off. He has taken another job in the city and is leaving in July. I have never gone through this before.
I want him to be happy so I never talk bad about any of him dates though some are ****ty to him. I encourage him to get out there and date. I encourage him to ask women he meets out. I want him to be happy een though it will make me sad. I have faith that time and some good karma back at me will heal me as a reward for not being hater.
Another reason I don't want to tell him. I feel like it may ruin anything that may happen naturally in the future if he does like me. Iwould like things just to happen, not cuz I bring it up. In the moment it sounds ok but the days fter would be odd, like a where do we go from here feelig now that all this is on the table. he has made it clear he wants a wife some day. i told him that i was not sure about marriage, i went hrough a bad break up of a 4yr relationship/engagement.
I don't want to make him feel weird about our friendship if I tell him. I don't want him to always wonder if I am only there cz I like him. I don't want the opennature of our conversation, hishonesty to be inhibted by what he thinks feel. I don't want him to hold back, one of the things I love about him is his candid-ness.
I dont want to tell him and then b/c he does care for me, not want to hurt my feelings nd out of pity try to date me...not only owuld that ruin any potential romance but it would probably end our friendship. I don't want his pity and yeah, I could see him doing that.
yes, he is kinda shy. umm, I thin that is it. I know this was long as all hell. But I am soo tired of these feelings for him and as time goes on and I know him more, I like him more. Never a dull moment it only gets better for me at least.
When he leaves, just let it go, don't try to maintain a relationship with him, you'll only hurt more. Time will heal your wounds and he'll find someone else to "bleed" all over. If he wanted to "be" with you, he'd "be" with you. Just stay positive, keep yourself busy and a good man who is romantically interested in you will come along.
This scenario reminds me of many that I had as a young woman, in college and in my 20s. But the posters are correct - if he liked you, he would make it very plain. Sure, there's the possibility that he could have hidden feelings, but the greater likelihood is that he knows you like him, he enjoys the friendship and the *ego feed* of spending time with someone whom he knows has a crush on him, and he wants to keep it in the "friend zone".
I would suggest moving on to someone else - even in your thoughts - that will help a lot!
The signs and symptoms of a "Yes" (he wants to see you exclusively and become your man): He asks you out. He makes plans with you. He is not dating anybody else.
The signs and symptoms of a "No" (he does not want to be your exclusive boyfriend):
Mixed Signals
Hesitancy
Lack of commitment
Silence
No dates
Seeing other women
He is giving you mixed signals, so the answer to your question is he is NOT interested in pursuing an exclusive relationship with you. Therefore the conclusion is: He is a friend.
Please stick with this conclusion, IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING HE SAYS and HOWEVER HE BEHAVES. Otherwise you will continue to feel hurt.
Be determined. Don't allow yourself to fantasize, because the fantasy is what is making you confused and hurt. Every day you go to the office, remind yourself of a big fat NO. Because that is what it is. It's a NO because he gives you MIXED SIGNALS.
I had a co-worker who always came to me to talk on his free time. Always always. He'd look for me wherever I was and talk to me. He was cute and I could see going out with him. But because he never made DEFINITE PLANS and ask me out for a date, it was a NO. Therefore, I didn't permit myself to feel any deeper feelings for him so I didn't fall in love with him. There was nothing to fall in love with, because I didn't build a fantasy.
You are playing games! GROW UP. Since you obviously are interested in this man for a romnantic relationship you need to stop self sabotaging and just go with it. Stop making childish jokes and start acting like a mature, responsible adult and address the situation head-on.
You do not have the right to keep playing games with this man and you really deserve to lose him and have to start all over.
You do not have the right to keep playing games with this man and you really deserve to lose him and have to start all over.
Calm down. The OP might really be confused or unsure on how to act. Which is why she's here asking for help on how to settle that confusion. So please drop the negativity unless she deserves it from us.
Last edited by Le Lune; 04-21-2010 at 06:36 PM..
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