U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 04-25-2010, 01:34 PM
 
Location: So Cal
12,985 posts, read 8,404,242 times
Reputation: 10163

Advertisements

You guys have some really good jokes going here. I hear tons of jokes and I can never remember any of them, let alone tell them in a funny way.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 04-25-2010, 02:00 PM
 
6,368 posts, read 11,962,589 times
Reputation: 5793
Cardiologist's Funeral

A well known cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he worked most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist.

About that time the proctologist fainted.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-25-2010, 02:01 PM
 
25,884 posts, read 23,331,158 times
Reputation: 26435
Quote:
Originally Posted by SeaOfGrass View Post
You guys have some really good jokes going here. I hear tons of jokes and I can never remember any of them, let alone tell them in a funny way.
I'm not a real jokey person either and usually don't tell them. I'm more reactionary to something that is said or is happening and oh, props are a big thing with me. My aunt and I went to Goodwill to drop some stuff off and I meandered off into this aisle and found a box of eye glasses. I put each pair on and would jump out of the aisle and take on the persona of a person who looked like they'd wear the glasses. From a cranky old lady yelling at kids to get out of her yard, to Janis Joplin, to Gloria Stienem. It was a riot - so I'm a big fan of impromtu props.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-25-2010, 02:08 PM
 
6,368 posts, read 11,962,589 times
Reputation: 5793
A blonde joke


Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away; and the two blondes kept their promise.
They set off from New London , CT with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?'
Barbie slipped over the side; and finding the water only knee deep said, 'Nope, not yet, Bubbles.' So they rowed a little farther.... Again Bubbles asked Barbie, 'do you think were out far enough now?'
Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.' So on they rowed and rowed and rowed; and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles was really getting worried, when suddenly Barbie broke the surface. Gasping for breath she said, 'OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel.

Another...

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs and out the back door.
After a little while, the blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde answers, "I put the dog in OUR backyard, now let's just see how THEY like it."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-25-2010, 02:56 PM
 
Location: On the dark side of the Moon
9,932 posts, read 10,884,135 times
Reputation: 9069
This thread is great!!! Hilarious stuff everyone.

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

~Jerry Seinfeld
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-25-2010, 03:04 PM
 
Location: On the dark side of the Moon
9,932 posts, read 10,884,135 times
Reputation: 9069
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-25-2010, 03:05 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
14,928 posts, read 20,022,245 times
Reputation: 16302
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-25-2010, 03:09 PM
 
3,261 posts, read 4,112,806 times
Reputation: 3947
A mother hears a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom, so she opens the door and finds her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" the mom asks.
"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.

Later that same week the father hears the humming noise and finds his daughter with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.

A few days later the mother hears the humming noise coming from the den, so she bursts into the room (quite annoyed) and is surprised to see her husband sitting on the couch, watching TV with the vibrator buzzing away next to him.
"What in God's name are you doing?" she asks.
"Watching the game with my son-in-law!"
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-25-2010, 03:09 PM
 
25,884 posts, read 23,331,158 times
Reputation: 26435
A relationship happens to two people who are waiting for something better to come along - Unknown


If you want to read about Love and Marriage you need to buy two seperate books -Alan King


The happiest liasons are based on mutual misunderstanding - La Rockefoucauld


A good man is always a beginniner - Marital


There are only two kinds of men, the dead and the deadly - Helen Rowland


My advice to Women's Clubs of America is to raise more hell than dahlias - William Allen Wright
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-25-2010, 06:13 PM
 
6,368 posts, read 11,962,589 times
Reputation: 5793
The Hard Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He then takes her hand and says, "Now help me put all these Corn Flakes back in the Kellogs box."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $99,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2017, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 - Top