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Old 04-25-2010, 06:21 PM
 
Location: silver springs
791 posts, read 1,179,571 times
Reputation: 593

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what do you call a blonde with stuff oozing out of the side of her mouth?............................................ ............ full
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Old 04-25-2010, 06:54 PM
 
Location: So Cal
13,623 posts, read 9,758,393 times
Reputation: 11485
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thursday007 View Post
I'm not a real jokey person either and usually don't tell them. I'm more reactionary to something that is said or is happening and oh, props are a big thing with me. My aunt and I went to Goodwill to drop some stuff off and I meandered off into this aisle and found a box of eye glasses. I put each pair on and would jump out of the aisle and take on the persona of a person who looked like they'd wear the glasses. From a cranky old lady yelling at kids to get out of her yard, to Janis Joplin, to Gloria Stienem. It was a riot - so I'm a big fan of impromtu props.
Haha, sometimes we'll be watching a movie or something and Chow will step out to do something really quickly -- let the cat out, use the bathroom, whatever -- and then, when he walks back in the room, it's with this completely different walk/persona. I can't do it justice in describing it, but it's so funny. He doesn't have to say anything, I can just see he's "turned into" this completely different person. I LMAO.

I like your quotes, too, Thursday. I always find quotes interesting.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gimme3steps View Post
A blonde joke


Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away; and the two blondes kept their promise.
They set off from New London , CT with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?'
Barbie slipped over the side; and finding the water only knee deep said, 'Nope, not yet, Bubbles.' So they rowed a little farther.... Again Bubbles asked Barbie, 'do you think were out far enough now?'
Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.' So on they rowed and rowed and rowed; and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles was really getting worried, when suddenly Barbie broke the surface. Gasping for breath she said, 'OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel.

Another...

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs and out the back door.
After a little while, the blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde answers, "I put the dog in OUR backyard, now let's just see how THEY like it."
It took me a minute to get the first one. Does that mean I'm brunette?

Quote:
Originally Posted by saucywench View Post
This thread is great!!! Hilarious stuff everyone.

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

~Jerry Seinfeld
LMAO, I remember seeing him do that one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by robee70 View Post
A mother hears a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom, so she opens the door and finds her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" the mom asks.
"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.

Later that same week the father hears the humming noise and finds his daughter with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.

A few days later the mother hears the humming noise coming from the den, so she bursts into the room (quite annoyed) and is surprised to see her husband sitting on the couch, watching TV with the vibrator buzzing away next to him.
"What in God's name are you doing?" she asks.
"Watching the game with my son-in-law!"
Is it wrong for me to feel a little sad for the father?
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Old 04-25-2010, 07:15 PM
 
25,947 posts, read 25,344,525 times
Reputation: 26653
Two men discussing one of their divorces. The guy says to the other, "You never really know a woman until you meet her in court. She cried and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook."
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Old 04-25-2010, 08:04 PM
 
6,368 posts, read 13,026,026 times
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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
"Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."
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Old 04-25-2010, 11:21 PM
 
Location: On the dark side of the Moon
9,932 posts, read 11,665,975 times
Reputation: 9112
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough…
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Old 04-26-2010, 04:04 AM
 
25,947 posts, read 25,344,525 times
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Telemarketers call so much they are like family. Here's a way to handle them.


YouTube - Telemarketer Prank
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Old 04-26-2010, 05:17 AM
 
6,368 posts, read 13,026,026 times
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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
 

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
 

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”


Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”


With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”


Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”.
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Old 04-26-2010, 05:25 AM
 
25,947 posts, read 25,344,525 times
Reputation: 26653
Quote:
Originally Posted by SeaOfGrass View Post
Haha, sometimes we'll be watching a movie or something and Chow will step out to do something really quickly -- let the cat out, use the bathroom, whatever -- and then, when he walks back in the room, it's with this completely different walk/persona. I can't do it justice in describing it, but it's so funny. He doesn't have to say anything, I can just see he's "turned into" this completely different person. I LMAO.

I like your quotes, too, Thursday. I always find quotes interesting.

Oh, then you'll appreciate this. While all of it is funny, you can skip ahead in the video to where he takes the pink scarf from the woman in the audience and watch the different things he does with it just off the top of his head. Pure comedic genious.


YouTube - Robin Williams - Inside the Actor's Studio (Part 6)
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Old 04-26-2010, 05:42 AM
 
6,368 posts, read 13,026,026 times
Reputation: 5849
A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."
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Old 04-26-2010, 06:14 AM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
15,355 posts, read 22,101,419 times
Reputation: 16889
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. ~Author Unknown


Was wactching an episode of Everybody loves Raymond... they crack me up..he wanted to have sex..she was mad and said "you don't want me to fake it do ya" he repied "I'm easy to fool"
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