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Old 04-26-2010, 06:40 AM
 
6,368 posts, read 13,242,697 times
Reputation: 5856

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It is late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like...
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'
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Old 04-26-2010, 07:43 AM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
15,541 posts, read 22,533,194 times
Reputation: 17164

YouTube - Everybody Loves Raymond - Whoops!!



YouTube - Being Single in Everybody Loves Raymond
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Old 04-26-2010, 08:26 AM
 
6,368 posts, read 13,242,697 times
Reputation: 5856
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
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Old 04-26-2010, 01:06 PM
 
25,947 posts, read 25,703,560 times
Reputation: 26678
Saucy, look what I dug back out of the mothballs!!...... (she's already heard it)

Ladies, think back to the first crush you ever had on a guy and you'll really appreciate this quirky little number. One must pay close attention to the words of this, (hmm what shall we call it?)...okay, a song. It may take more than one listen to pick up on 'has a certain goat-like smell that all men posess," and "suddenly it hits you like ape-scent gloriola," and other well crafted lines.

The Sweater -Meryn Cadell


YouTube - Meryn Cadell, "The Sweater"
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Old 04-26-2010, 01:43 PM
 
Location: So Cal
13,911 posts, read 10,018,895 times
Reputation: 12205
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thursday007 View Post
Oh, then you'll appreciate this. While all of it is funny, you can skip ahead in the video to where he takes the pink scarf from the woman in the audience and watch the different things he does with it just off the top of his head. Pure comedic genious.


YouTube - Robin Williams - Inside the Actor's Studio (Part 6)
Haha, yes, I've seen that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thursday007 View Post
Saucy, look what I dug back out of the mothballs!!...... (she's already heard it)

Ladies, think back to the first crush you ever had on a guy and you'll really appreciate this quirky little number. One must pay close attention to the words of this, (hmm what shall we call it?)...okay, a song. It may take more than one listen to pick up on 'has a certain goat-like smell that all men posess," and "suddenly it hits you like ape-scent gloriola," and other well crafted lines.

The Sweater -Meryn Cadell


YouTube - Meryn Cadell, "The Sweater"
Hehe, I love that one, Thursday.

Gimme3, you have too many good ones to rep/quote.
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Old 04-26-2010, 01:53 PM
 
Location: So Cal
13,911 posts, read 10,018,895 times
Reputation: 12205
I just read this today by Denis Leary, referring to Dr. Oz from the Oprah show:

"Dr. Oz says having sex twice a week means you live three years longer. If masturbation counts, I'll be 18 by this August."
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Old 04-27-2010, 01:05 AM
 
Location: On the dark side of the Moon
9,932 posts, read 11,798,673 times
Reputation: 9122
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. “Father O'Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better.” “My good man,” says the priest, “I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?” And the guy says: “I'm telling everybody!”
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Old 04-27-2010, 04:03 AM
 
6,368 posts, read 13,242,697 times
Reputation: 5856
A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons!" Sure enough. The man looked around and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried. "This alligator is tame. It wouldn't hurt anyone."
The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!" he shouts. "Sit up." With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist. BANG. BANG. BANG. And the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth." BANG. BANG. BANG.And the alligator opened its huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his penis, and lays it in the alligator's mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but don't bite." BANG. BANG. BANG.As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops just short of biting the guy's penis off. The crowd sighs, and the man says, "Ralph, open your mouth." BANG. BANG. BANG. The alligator's mouth opens wide again.
"There," says the man to the crowd. "Now would anyone else like to try this?" A blonde in the back says, "Yeah, I'll try. But only if your promise not to hit me on the head so hard."
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Old 04-27-2010, 04:13 AM
 
25,947 posts, read 25,703,560 times
Reputation: 26678
^^^^^Dude's On a Role^^^^
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Old 04-27-2010, 05:38 AM
 
6,368 posts, read 13,242,697 times
Reputation: 5856
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment, 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase... In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded. 'This may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the Priest's' house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence... Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!'
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