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Old 04-28-2010, 10:19 AM
 
24,548 posts, read 14,978,913 times
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I'm a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house - Zza Zza Gabor
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Old 04-28-2010, 01:46 PM
 
6,349 posts, read 7,435,156 times
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"The old man replied, "Sure did, and none of us could get that danged jar open."
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Old 04-28-2010, 02:15 PM
 
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He's the kind of man a woman has to marry to get rid of - Mae West


Happiness is having a large, loving, caring family - in another city - George Burns


Nobody forgets where they bury the hatchet - Unknown


Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse - Arthur Baer


The happiest time in a man's life in right after his first divorce -


Marriage is the only war where you have to sleep with the enemy - Unknown
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Old 04-28-2010, 04:01 PM
 
6,349 posts, read 7,435,156 times
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Blind Cowboy

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat, the bouncer is a blonde girl, I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter, and the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Old 04-28-2010, 10:46 PM
 
Location: On the dark side of the Moon
9,932 posts, read 7,950,083 times
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I like Paul Lynde's response to the "man overboard" question.


YouTube - Stupid Game Show Answers - Say What?!
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Old 04-28-2010, 10:49 PM
 
Location: Austin, Texas
2,756 posts, read 3,319,356 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saucywench View Post
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Or how about a potpie?
Well, sure. It's like the old joke about the definition of the perfect women:

She screws your brains out for hours and then when you're done she turns into a meatloaf sandwich.
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Old 04-28-2010, 11:00 PM
 
Location: On the dark side of the Moon
9,932 posts, read 7,950,083 times
Reputation: 8992

YouTube - Stupid Game Show Answers - Jam-Packed


YouTube - Stupid Game Show Answers - Open Mouth, Insert Foot
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Old 04-29-2010, 12:22 AM
 
Location: silver springs
791 posts, read 782,779 times
Reputation: 579
Quote:
Originally Posted by saucywench View Post
I like Paul Lynde's response to the "man overboard" question.


YouTube - Stupid Game Show Answers - Say What?!
what does a person from Philly dunk his pretzel in? Jersey girls! Love Jersey Girls!
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Old 04-29-2010, 10:00 AM
 
6,349 posts, read 7,435,156 times
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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after mass. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
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Old 04-29-2010, 03:41 PM
 
6,349 posts, read 7,435,156 times
Reputation: 5556
A 2fer

The Chicken Surprise


A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I brought you Peeking Duck'.



The Banana Split

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis..."
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