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Old 04-30-2010, 12:59 AM
 
Location: On the dark side of the Moon
9,932 posts, read 11,658,551 times
Reputation: 9112

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Thank you Mr. Dolphin you're my friend!


YouTube - Mr. Dolphin by Rick Nelson and The Stone Canyon Band
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Old 04-30-2010, 01:10 AM
 
Location: On the dark side of the Moon
9,932 posts, read 11,658,551 times
Reputation: 9112
My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.-Jackie Mason


I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said. “No. I hate myself now.”-Rodney Dangerfield


On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude theyll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says “Dont forget the coffee!”
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Old 04-30-2010, 06:04 AM
 
6,368 posts, read 13,014,252 times
Reputation: 5849
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "'Anybody?'
"Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy.' Then she turned to Mary and continued. "And as for you, young lady, I have three things to say: one, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
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Old 04-30-2010, 12:49 PM
 
559 posts, read 3,003,199 times
Reputation: 758
I've discovered two more new oxymorons:

1. Customer Service

2. Accordion Music

Regards,
Streamer1212
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Old 04-30-2010, 12:57 PM
 
6,368 posts, read 13,014,252 times
Reputation: 5849
The Talking Clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends very late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. 'What's with the big brass gong?' one of the friends asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk slurred in response.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend. 'How's it work?'
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He stumbled across the room, picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood in silence, looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You idiot..it's three-fifteen in the morning!!'
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Old 04-30-2010, 04:14 PM
 
Location: Bradenton, Florida
27,236 posts, read 39,558,376 times
Reputation: 10886
^ I told someone about that!

I don't have a watch, but I do have a phone. All I have to do in case of a power outage is keep calling people locally. Eventually someone will say, "Do you know what time it is, you ***! It's three o'clock in the f***ing morning!" To which I'd reply, "I do now--thanks!" and hang up.
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Old 04-30-2010, 07:53 PM
 
Location: On the dark side of the Moon
9,932 posts, read 11,658,551 times
Reputation: 9112
George Jones and Johnny Paycheck. Two big ones!


YouTube - George Jones & Johnny Paycheck "You Better Move On"
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Old 04-30-2010, 07:59 PM
 
5,148 posts, read 4,088,492 times
Reputation: 2865
Holy crap that looks awfully painful.
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Old 04-30-2010, 08:09 PM
 
Location: On the dark side of the Moon
9,932 posts, read 11,658,551 times
Reputation: 9112
Yes it does! Those things probably have their own time zone.
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Old 04-30-2010, 08:53 PM
 
5,879 posts, read 7,517,496 times
Reputation: 2753
Here ya go Saucy! They don't call him the wild man for nothing! During a kick a** solo the crowd eggs him on and he strips down to his boxers shaking his booty and he might even moon them in this one!LMAO........
YouTube - Angus Young, Best Solo Ever!!!

YouTube - Angus Young, Best Solo Ever 2!!!

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