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A well known cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he worked most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist.
You guys have some really good jokes going here. I hear tons of jokes and I can never remember any of them, let alone tell them in a funny way.
I'm not a real jokey person either and usually don't tell them. I'm more reactionary to something that is said or is happening and oh, props are a big thing with me. My aunt and I went to Goodwill to drop some stuff off and I meandered off into this aisle and found a box of eye glasses. I put each pair on and would jump out of the aisle and take on the persona of a person who looked like they'd wear the glasses. From a cranky old lady yelling at kids to get out of her yard, to Janis Joplin, to Gloria Stienem. It was a riot - so I'm a big fan of impromtu props.
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away; and the two blondes kept their promise.
They set off from New London , CT with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?'
Barbie slipped over the side; and finding the water only knee deep said, 'Nope, not yet, Bubbles.' So they rowed a little farther.... Again Bubbles asked Barbie, 'do you think were out far enough now?'
Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.' So on they rowed and rowed and rowed; and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles was really getting worried, when suddenly Barbie broke the surface. Gasping for breath she said, 'OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel.
Another...
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs and out the back door.
After a little while, the blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde answers, "I put the dog in OUR backyard, now let's just see how THEY like it."
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."
A mother hears a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom, so she opens the door and finds her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" the mom asks.
"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.
Later that same week the father hears the humming noise and finds his daughter with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.
A few days later the mother hears the humming noise coming from the den, so she bursts into the room (quite annoyed) and is surprised to see her husband sitting on the couch, watching TV with the vibrator buzzing away next to him.
"What in God's name are you doing?" she asks.
"Watching the game with my son-in-law!"
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He then takes her hand and says, "Now help me put all these Corn Flakes back in the Kellogs box."
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I hear tons of jokes and I can never remember any of them, let alone tell them in a funny way.
