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Old 04-21-2010, 08:15 PM
 
Location: Indiana
324 posts, read 321,314 times
Reputation: 343
I see, the OP stopped debating. And I don't blame her. All she is getting (first 7 pages) is an indirect advice of confronting her husband, while the posters know nothing about her husband and her daughter.
From those few OP's posts, it's clear, that she has enough IQ and common sense to know the best how to handle her daughter's request. Yes, she thinks, she made a mistake to be totally honest with her daughter about the circumstances of the denial, but I don't believe it is better to keep conveniently silent, and play games. That often doesn't work. Being honest is never wrong. There may be some consequences, but so be it!
I believe, that in the OP's first post there are possible inaccuracies, that caused all the outrage, when almost everyone perceives her daughter as a victim, and her husband as a devil.
The most prevailant inaccuracy is: Calling "emergency" what was probably pretty ordinary situation. When the OP described the situation (daughter's request and the circumstances) to her husband, he possibly just rolled his eyes and thought/responded something like: "My goodness, she (daughter) knows, that this happens/could happen, and she should have been prepared for it better than using her mother (again!) as a back up!" I mentioned "again" because the OP talked about her daughter being prone to take advantage of her in the past.
Also, I think, her husband has treated the OP fairly during the time they have been married. And the OP simply knows that, and that's why she is also willing to leave America with him. If he was a jerk, while her daughter was awsome, I don't believe she would move with him. He gained her trust! And that could happen only one way: Treating her right during their marriage.

Last edited by paulpan; 04-21-2010 at 08:45 PM..
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Old 04-21-2010, 08:54 PM
 
47,586 posts, read 34,426,613 times
Reputation: 21539
Quote:
Originally Posted by paulpan View Post
I see, the OP stopped debating. And I don't blame her. All she is getting (first 7 pages) is an indirect advice of confronting her husband, while the posters know nothing about her husband and her daughter.
From those few OP's posts, it's clear, that she has enough IQ and common sense to know the best how to handle her daughter's request. Yes, she thinks, she made a mistake to be totally honest with her daughter about the circumstances of the denial, but I don't believe it is better to keep conveniently silent, and play games. That often doesn't work, sometimes. Being honest is never wrong. There may be some consequences, but so be it!
I believe, that in the OP's first post there are possible inaccuracies, that caused all the outrage, when almost everyone perceives her daughter as a victim, and her husband as a devil.
The most prevailant inaccuracy is: Calling "emergency" what was probably pretty ordinary situation. When the OP described the situation (daughter's request and the circumstances) to her husband, he possibly just rolled his eyes and thought/responded something like: My goodness, she (daughter) knows, that this happens/could happen, and she should have been prepared for it better than using her mother (again!) as a back up! I mentioned "again" because the OP talked aboud her daughter being prone to take advantage of her in the past.
Also, I think, her husband has treated the OP fairly during the time they have been married. And the OP simply knows that, and that's why she is also willing to leave America with him. If he was a jerk, while her daughter was awsome, I don't believe she would move with him. He gained her trust! And that could happen only one way: Treating her right during their marriage.
To me the daughter seemed controlling. She wanted mom to babysit (I suspect free services) and mom couldn't for whatever reason, that should have been that - but the daughter became angry with the mother. So angry she couldn't accept the compromise solution which was for mom to come to her house -- so angry she called off work to teach mom a good lesson, put the guilt trip on her. And also because this "favor" (more like a demand) was not met the daughter punished the mom's husband.

That's way beyond asking a relative for a favor. When you ask a favor, like another poster said, you go down the list. Maybe try mom first, if mom can't do it for whatever reason, try the daughter's own husband, try mother-in-law, then maybe the daughter's father, her brother, a neighbor or friend. But you don't beat up mom when for whatever reason, she can't or won't.

I think what happened is the daughter got accustomed to mom always being there. Especially after mom was divorced and mom had no life, no plans of her own. Mom was dependable and now some man has come along and stolen ole' reliable-always-there mom. That would explain the dislike for him all along. He's even taking dependable ole' mom to England so even more reason to dislike him.

But really it was mom who decided to go ahead and try to have a life, another marriage. It's hard for mom to say no however after being counted on for all this time so mom's husband has to be the bad guy, take the blame.

The daughter's anger at her mom and at the mom's husband is controlling. She didn't get her way and she became angry. A demand wasn't met -- because her reaction shows this wasn't about asking nicely for a favor.
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Old 04-21-2010, 09:12 PM
 
Location: Indiana
324 posts, read 321,314 times
Reputation: 343
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
To me the daughter seemed controlling. She wanted mom to babysit (I suspect free services) and mom couldn't for whatever reason, that should have been that - but the daughter became angry with the mother. So angry she couldn't accept the compromise solution which was for mom to come to her house -- so angry she called off work to teach mom a good lesson, put the guilt trip on her. And also because this "favor" (more like a demand) was not met the daughter punished the mom's husband.

That's way beyond asking a relative for a favor. When you ask a favor, like another poster said, you go down the list. Maybe try mom first, if mom can't do it for whatever reason, try the daughter's own husband, try mother-in-law, then maybe the daughter's father, her brother, a neighbor or friend. But you don't beat up mom when for whatever reason, she can't or won't.

I think what happened is the daughter got accustomed to mom always being there. Especially after mom was divorced and mom had no life, no plans of her own. Mom was dependable and now some man has come along and stolen ole' reliable-always-there mom. That would explain the dislike for him all along. He's even taking dependable ole' mom to England so even more reason to dislike him.

But really it was mom who decided to go ahead and try to have a life, another marriage. It's hard for mom to say no however after being counted on for all this time so mom's husband has to be the bad guy, take the blame.

The daughter's anger at her mom and at the mom's husband is controlling. She didn't get her way and she became angry. A demand wasn't met -- because her reaction shows this wasn't about asking nicely for a favor.
Yeah, I suspect too, that the daughter could have been somewhat manipulating. Kids are prone to do that. One of mine certainly is.
Another thing is the work emergency: Every employer knows very clearly, that if the employee has a children (8-10 year old), then the priority is the children, and not working some extra hours, or hours outside of regular working time. I think, the daughter simply wanted to be at work during this extra time (for whatever reason), and her only resource was mom. I happened to believe, that mom would be willing to babysit, but there was probably a new aproach taking place, after her husband pointed out previously, that some of the daughter's demands had been unreasonable, so he tried to be consistent, which was too much for the daughter to take. That's a possibility, at least.
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Old 04-21-2010, 09:19 PM
 
439 posts, read 457,568 times
Reputation: 540
I think the only one being manipulative is the OP. She is an adult and capable of making her own decisions. She is playing her husband and her daughter against each other and playing the victim.

By the way, I hope ALL of the family members realize what all of this drama is doing to the kids. The last thing in the world they should want is to make those boys feel like a burden. And that's exactly what situations like this are doing.
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Old 04-21-2010, 09:59 PM
 
Location: Somewhere on Earth
1,052 posts, read 920,215 times
Reputation: 702
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
To me the daughter seemed controlling. She wanted mom to babysit (I suspect free services) and mom couldn't for whatever reason, that should have been that - but the daughter became angry with the mother. So angry she couldn't accept the compromise solution which was for mom to come to her house -- so angry she called off work to teach mom a good lesson, put the guilt trip on her. And also because this "favor" (more like a demand) was not met the daughter punished the mom's husband.

She didn't get her way and she became angry. A demand wasn't met -- because her reaction shows this wasn't about asking nicely for a favor.
From what it seems like, the daughter prohibited the HUSBAND from entering her home and not her mom. So she's angry at the stepfather and not the mom.

Which is reasonable since the mom most likely didn't had anything else to do as she asked her husband if the kids can come over rather than telling the daughter that she was out or something. If the OP was busy and told the daughter that and she made a stink about it, then yes, the daughter is totally wrong. But the OP asked the husband, indicating that she wasn't really busy enough to not watch the kids.

It could really be your example, where the daughter is really a spoiled brat and the man is totally innocent, like you stated above.

However, it still doesn't really justify preventing the children from coming over and giving a half @ss excuse on why they couldn't. If the husband was really irritated by it, he should've allowed the kids come over first and then told the OP to set boundaries after that happened. It leads me to think that the husband is intentionally trying to cause drama between the mother and daughter.

But that's just me though. It's all a guessing game here until the OP truly clarifies everything
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Old 04-21-2010, 10:38 PM
 
70 posts, read 230,707 times
Reputation: 104
I am sure this has been said by the others here but...

when it comes to choosing your husband or your children...

your children's welfare should come first...you were responsible for putting them in this world in the first place. Make sure they have their feet on the ground.
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Old 04-21-2010, 11:28 PM
 
872 posts, read 1,611,992 times
Reputation: 555
Quote:
Originally Posted by RJay123 View Post
I am sure this has been said by the others here but...

when it comes to choosing your husband or your children...

your children's welfare should come first...you were responsible for putting them in this world in the first place. Make sure they have their feet on the ground.
When children are past the age of 18, they are supposed to be on their own. Their parents/guardians aren't supposed to do anything for them.
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Old 04-21-2010, 11:38 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
44,336 posts, read 54,810,346 times
Reputation: 37104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brian View Post
When children are past the age of 18, they are supposed to be on their own. Their parents/guardians aren't supposed to do anything for them.
Oh PULEASE
I get so sick of hearing this idiotic comment.

Unless an 18 year old is rich and famous (like Taylor Swift or Paris Hilton was 18) or they have joined the military, it is not likely they are able to be COMPLETELY on their own and self-supporting.

18 year-olds still have years to go before they are finished maturing (most male brains don't finish growing until around the age of 25) and they definitely still need plenty of mentoring and guidance from their parents.

Please do enlighten us, how did you reach the brilliant conclusion that past the age of 18 "parents aren't supposed to do anything for them"?? Also please tell me you don't have kids yet, and hopefully that you don't plan to.
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Old 04-22-2010, 12:30 AM
 
1,896 posts, read 2,199,341 times
Reputation: 1110
Quote:
Originally Posted by LivingInTheSouth View Post
I am 55 yrs old and have been married to my husband (who is 51) for almost 7 years. We have been living in “my” hometown (where my grown children/grandchildren live) for about 4 years and will soon be relocating to England, where he is from.

Up until about 6 months ago, there were never any real “issues” between my husband and my children, although I know they are not particularly fond of him. He is totally different from their father, and quite an opinionated person. My ex was a very non-confrontational person and we basically all either lived in denial or swept things under the carpet whenever “issues” would arise.

My oldest daughter is 33 and married with 3 children. One day, she rang me in tears. There was an emergency situation at work, it was a school holiday, etc etc and she wanted me to keep all 3 boys for the day. I rang my husband at work to “run it by him” because one of the things he is very opinionated about is his quiet time (i.e., downtime) after work. He raised 6 children in another life and he seems to have somewhat of a short fuse when all 3 boys are around (ages 8-10). He said he would rather I not keep them at my house that day. I felt put “in the middle” and instead of thinking of options (i.e., keeping the kids are my daughter’s house instead) I rang her to say that I could not keep them.

I was in tears. She was in tears. And my husband felt well within his rights with his decision.

At that point, my daughter informed me that she did not even like my husband and never did. She also said she never wanted the boys to be around him, and she also said he was not ever welcome at her house.

When I told my husband this (which I probably shouldn’t have), it INFURIATED him and his response was that my DAUGHTER was now not ever allowed in our yard or our house. He said the boys have nothing to do with it. He loves the boys. (Edited to add: The boys occasionally stay with us on week-ends, we take them to the movies, etc.)

So we’ve had this stalemate now and I hate it. On one hand, the house is half mine, too, and she IS my daughter … on the other hand, I do think my husband has a right to say when he does not particularly feel like having the boys around.

It’s created a very awkward situation and of course the boys know what’s going on. I have pleaded with both my husband and my daughter to please come together and discuss the situation because we will soon be moving overseas and I don’t want to leave this hanging, but it’s one of those situations where each one of them thinks they are right and have done nothing wrong.


At my son's wedding last October, my daughter did make an effort so speak to my husband. He briefly acknowledged her, but that was it. When I told him that I thought that was my daughter's way of trying to patch things up, his viewpoint was that he was not going to act as though everything was okay and just forget about it.


My daughter just remarried two weeks ago and although both me and my husband were officially invited to the wedding, he refused to go so there I was sitting on the front pew next to my EX husband instead of sitting with my current husband. It was embarrassing for me and there were loads of, “Where’s Tony?” questions.

I don’t know what to do (as if there’s anything I even CAN do) and I don’t know who is right and who is wrong. What I DO know is that I am stuck in the middle and neither my daughter NOR my husband seem to care. Or at least that’s my perspective on the whole thing.

I’d really love some outside feedback, suggestions, etc. Thanks so much.
Would your current husband treat his own grandkids that way? If the answer is no, then I would say that he doesn't really respect you or appreciate you.

On the other hand it seems as if your daughter resents that fact that your current husband is not like her daddy and she doesn't have that safety net. Tell her to get a babysitter. You've already raised your kids.

In the end, you shouldn't let your kids run your life but do you really want to be with a guy who is as rigid and uncaring?
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Old 04-22-2010, 05:50 AM
 
Location: Whiteville Tennessee
8,257 posts, read 11,009,610 times
Reputation: 9731
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brian View Post
When children are past the age of 18, they are supposed to be on their own. Their parents/guardians aren't supposed to do anything for them.
Brian. Do you have children?
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