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for instance the people i know who work in law enforcement, before they start dating anyone new, they routinely run a background check on the person.
if a person has nothing to hide, it is not a problem
if a person gets mad at the idea of someone they are dating running a background check on them....THAT is the red flag
Very true...I think people that hide anything is for a bad reason. I try to tell it how it is. And its not so hard to remember your lies.
Anyone who feels compelled to launch background investigations on someone they are getting to know probably has trust issues, and that is just the beginning of what is to come. Plan on a lifetime of inquisitions, accusations, prying, and repeated privacy violations if you plan on dating someone who runs checks on you without your knowledge.
I had to give this some thought. I guess if it was me doing the background checks on people without them knowing, I would think it was normal enough - just some of that trust but verify thing but it would sure be creepy if it was someone else running one on me without my knowledge.
I suppose in a relationship that has any chance of working it's "do onto others as you would have them do onto you".
It's a public forum open to everyone to ponder, not just you. That's why I presented the question after my initial response to your post. I should have asked it in a separate post knowing what I was dealing with.
Yes, but the world revolves around me and you should know that by now.
for instance the people i know who work in law enforcement, before they start dating anyone new, they routinely run a background check on the person.
if a person has nothing to hide, it is not a problem
if a person gets mad at the idea of someone they are dating running a background check on them....THAT is the red flag
That is just plain wrong and a lie. I work with and TRAIN lots of law enforcement officers (city, county and FEDS) and NONE of them would stoop so low as to run a background check on people they may date. Why are you hanging out with corrupt cops? They would need SSN to do background check or check the nationwide court system for any criminal background. This stuff is tracked so they would get in trouble with their superiors for doing so.
So you would have no problem with someone who runs a criminal, credit and educational verification on you before dating you? This entire thread is just flat out ridiculous. Have all of you people been so hurt and/are you such a bad judge of character that you end up with people with shady pasts?
OMG!! I so glad I dont have people like this in my circle of friends. If anyone I know told me they want to do background checks on people they dont even really know to find out if they are being truthful with them, they would then become ex-friends.
A lot of people lie about their marital status. Just asking doesn't always work. I'd rather know and get rid of someone dishonest at the beginning, rather than finding out much later after I've invested myself in something that's doomed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LaoTzuMindFu
How about just asking them? Dont be all creepy and sneaky about it. Just ask to find out. If they are the kind of people who you think may not be truthful about such a simple question then they are not worth having in one's life now arent they?
A lot of people lie about their marital status. Just asking doesn't always work. I'd rather know and get rid of someone dishonest at the beginning, rather than finding out much later after I've invested myself in something that's doomed.
This should not be your primary focus in looking for a relationship. It's just a weird road block you are throwing up for yourself, you are just trying to be difficult. Give yourself a break.
These acquaintances are people I recently met who seem very nice. I just want to know their status before getting my hopes up. I've had the experience before of dating someone I thought was divorced a couple of times before finding out that their "marriage is on the rocks."
I thought they were divorced, but they were only just thinking about it. I don't want to do that again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avienne
Unless you're interested in dating someone and want to find out if he or she is married, that kind of information is none of your business.
...rare is the bird who has never gotten burned after letting her heart overrule her head. And all too often, women (especially younger ones) doubt themselves. So, when the gut steps in on the side of the head, it only serves to empower when you find out the gut is right. It's a great way of learning to trust your intuition if you've struggled with that in the past.
This is my situation. On a couple of occasions in the past, I've wound up developing feelings for someone, only to find out later that they were still married, after telling me that they were single.
Here is the thing. We've gone from finding out whether someone is married or divorced to doing a "background check". I don't claim to be a specialist in this, but from what I know of the various means to get background information on people, you would need to do a general background check in order to ascertain marital status and the person's past. And a background check would reveal A LOT of information about you from just your name and your (approximate) date of birth -- like the address of every place you've lived at for the past 15 years, every landline phone number at every one of those addresses, names and ages of all people who have lived with you at any of those addresses, names and ages of your neighbors if you've ever lived in an apartment building, year, make, model and license plate number of every car you've had registered to your name over that 15-year period, along with information as to whether it was financed, and if it was a lease, and every lawsuit you've ever been involved in. I'm sorry, but in my opinion, that's way too much information for an "acquaintance" to be digging into behind my back. I, personally, would consider it an invasion of privacy and an indication of obsessive and possessive behavior. Just because you are considering a long-term relationship with someone doesn't mean you are entitled to a full accounting of that person's past life. Sorry.
I understand what you are saying Mentat, but you have to realize that there are two sides to this problem. On the one hand, there is you, a person who has been lied to, and who wants solid facts before "investing" yourself into a possible relationship. On the other hand, there are your "acquaintances", who may have been stalked, threatened and harassed by psycho ex-lovers in the past, or who have, at the very least, heard horrible stories of stalkings and violence. And they might have an objection or two about you doing a background check. You may want to protect yourself "just in case" by researching their past; and they might want to protect themselves "just in case" by telling you to take a hike.
There is a simple way out of this: tell your acquaintances that you want to do a background check on them. What's the point of keeping it a secret? It's not like they can go and alter public records about their marital history and status. You understand, the ONLY reason you would balk at this suggestion and want to keep this a secret, is because you know full well there is something very wrong with this idea.
Here is the thing. We've gone from finding out whether someone is married or divorced to doing a "background check". I don't claim to be a specialist in this, but from what I know of the various means to get background information on people, you would need to do a general background check in order to ascertain marital status and the person's past. And a background check would reveal A LOT of information about you from just your name and your (approximate) date of birth -- like the address of every place you've lived at for the past 15 years, every landline phone number at every one of those addresses, names and ages of all people who have lived with you at any of those addresses, names and ages of your neighbors if you've ever lived in an apartment building, year, make, model and license plate number of every car you've had registered to your name over that 15-year period, along with information as to whether it was financed, and if it was a lease, and every lawsuit you've ever been involved in. I'm sorry, but in my opinion, that's way too much information for an "acquaintance" to be digging into behind my back. I, personally, would consider it an invasion of privacy and an indication of obsessive and possessive behavior. Just because you are considering a long-term relationship with someone doesn't mean you are entitled to a full accounting of that person's past life. Sorry.
I understand what you are saying Mentat, but you have to realize that there are two sides to this problem. On the one hand, there is you, a person who has been lied to, and who wants solid facts before "investing" yourself into a possible relationship. On the other hand, there are your "acquaintances", who may have been stalked, threatened and harassed by psycho ex-lovers in the past, or who have, at the very least, heard horrible stories of stalkings and violence. And they might have an objection or two about you doing a background check. You may want to protect yourself "just in case" by researching their past; and they might want to protect themselves "just in case" by telling you to take a hike.
There is a simple way out of this: tell your acquaintances that you want to do a background check on them. What's the point of keeping it a secret? It's not like they can go and alter public records about their marital history and status. You understand, the ONLY reason you would balk at this suggestion and want to keep this a secret, is because you know full well there is something very wrong with this idea.
You must be joking. I don't know of anyone, whether they have a sordid past or not, who would shrug off someone telling them they were going to do a background check on them as if it's no big deal. Even someone with a squeaky clean record and not so much as a parking ticket would be offended and put off if someone said that to them. Having something very wrong with them is not the ONLY reason a person would balk at this and it certainly wouldn't be a good way to judge a person either.
I know I have no past I wouldn't discuss or talk about and I would find it ridicuously offensive if someone said that to me. I'd dump that person in a minute and my thinking would be, 'just ask me and take the time to get to know me.' If it's a dating situation, discovering things about each other through conversation and activities is the reason you date. This world has just become so focused on speed they are missing out on living.
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