Tolerance of cheating? My story included... (call, spouse, divorced, affair)

[2goldens]

Ohhhh Shocks!! I thought DCNative was back in town! I realized the date
of this thread is dated back to June.

[Granny Sue]

I was one of the zero tolerance people up until 5 years ago....and no it didn't involve me or hubby.

My very best friend and her hubby had always had the most amazing marriage. Until he developed Type I diabetes. They went thru intitial adjustments just fine both learning what they could together.
One day she shared with me that they hadn't had sex in a longggggggggg time and he wouldn't talk to her about it. He made her feel that it was her, that she had let herself go (she didn't, she looked great). This went on for 2 years. All this time he would belittle her and make her feel dowdy.
In the mean time, she was friends with a guy at work and he made her feel like a queen. He complimented her and treated her great. One thing led to another and they started an affair. She never once stopped loving her husband but the other guy filled in what was missing.
We were looking thru a magazine one day at lunch and there was an article about the A-Z of diabetes. Guess what letter "I" was. Impotance. She then went home and discussed it with her husband. After a real long talk they both realized that they didn't know it was an issue for diabetics.
She ended the affair right then and there. Now that she knew what the problem was, she could deal with it. They fixed it together.
Was she right??? No. Do I condone her affair?? No.
But I understand it.

Communication is so very important.

So since then, if hubby cheated once, I would want to discuss it and try to rebuild the trust. There wouldn't be a 2nd chance.

[Huckleberry3911948]

cheating, living with girlfriends ex or current. it all gets way out of the realm of clarity pretty quick huh?
it has so much to do with boundaries and self care.
are you able to have your own place $$. man wouldn't that be nice. i mean without all
that confusion. even a lil place but your own?
jusk asking. sounds like you some space.
ps
its one thing to have to break up with a girlfriend. its another to have to live with somebody you got problems with.

[bluegrassgirl]

Originally Posted by Rance

DCNative I feel your pain. I had a very similar experience with a woman I was married to.
I had been working a 2 and 2 schedule out of town in a remote location for a few years. Then when I returned home on occasion...the house would be a mess, same food in the fridge as when I left 2 weeks prior, or she was no where to be found...and I would have to search babysitters for my kids.
There were some weird things like vehicles pulling up in th edriveway at 2:00 AM sitting there a few minutes then leaving. Phone calls from guys asking for my wife etc. I swear I even heard her say "I love you" on the phone one time but I thought maybe I was hearing things.
So one night...during a rare intimate moment...she yells out another guys name. This was the guy that kept pulling into the driveway at wee hours of the AM.
I frickin lost it. Demanded to know wtf and I mean right now...no BS. Well she fessed up, and said she had been cheating on me for nearly a year. I told her to get dressed and get ready to go...she was leaving. I escorted her to the front door said goodbye and locked the door behind her. I packed every bit of her belongings and tossed it into a pile in the driveway. The next day she called an d I told her to clear the drive before her stuff got run over. She never showed any remorse or ever tried to reconcile. I was left to raise my 2 boys (4 and 2) and she moved out of state, basically forgetting they ever existed. It was a pain I had never experienced and I really had no one to talk to about it. I never was into suicide so that was not an option. I just sulked for a week or 2 and contemplated life in general. Finally I packed up, moved to my current rural location, and decided I did not need a woman and the BS that comes with em in my life and basically became a hermit. For a long and lonely 16 years! Fortunately I had my job and my boys to occupy my time. My boys are now living on their own and doing well. So my job with them is done...and I'm ready to start livin again. I've missed alot over the years I'm afraid, and recommend you do not do the same! Move on yes...but don't isloate yourself from the world and another potential mate. Life is way to short. Get out there and live life. I salute you for your morals, and your strength to show that cheating wench the door.

Rance, I can relate to and understand so much of what you shared. I, however, was pathetic at times in that I was willing to take my husband back and wanted to desperately to believe in him. He did stay in our kid's lives - when it suited his schedule IMO. I can remember when I was confronted for the first time with "them" being a couple. I had kicked him out of the house, but found him at her apartment. I have never been so full of rage. While I'm the most non violent person on the face of the earth, I think I would have harmed them at that moment if I'd had the chance. It was such a feeling of loss that I could not allow myself to even come close to being in that kind of pain again. People that cheat and betray the trust of the person they supposedly cherish can have such long lasting effects that it really is a form of a crime.

Your story makes me extra happy to have read your and Sweden's love story. A happy ending makes a painful past worth it in many ways.

[mhellick]

I found out on Sunday that my girlfriend of nearly eight years had cheated on me with an ex-co worker that I despise . I threw her out of our apartment and went on a drunken self destructive binge that has ended up hurting the both of us more than I would have wanted. I cannot turn off every feeling that I have had for this person for this long, however my heart is broken. This is the toughest thing I have ever done. Cheating is something that I don't ever want to have any part in ever again.

[Travelling fella]

Originally Posted by DCNative

Men and women - if your partner cheats on you, would you tolerate it? Would you hesitate to leave your partner, and stay in a relationship thinking that trust can be repaired? Have you been in that situation before, and how did you handle it? I'm curious.

I'm asking because I've been cheated on a few years ago. I have zero tolerance for cheating, and when I say that, I mean ZERO tolerance - once I found out what she had done, I flicked her out of my life. Just like that.

Here's what happened:

I was living with my (ex)girlfriend of 1.5 years in a nice apartment downtown, and I was paying 3/4 of the monthly rent and she chips in 1/4 of it. I took her out on dates and was pretty generous towards her, and one night she went out with "the girls". No problem, we all need some space.

I was chilling at a bookstore, when a trusted buddy of mine texted me and said he saw my gf at a club. I texted back, and said "hey thats cool, go tell her hi and talk to her". My buddy responds with: "umm. there's one little problem. she's with some other guy."

As soon as I saw those words, I felt a stabbing pain in my chest and my face felt hot. I struggled to breathe. Then I calmed myself down and texted back "what do you mean?" Well, my 2 other friends, who were hanging out with my buddy, texted me saying the same thing... and that she's making out with this guy on the dance floor. So that confirms it.

Half an hour later, I went home, and I sat on my couch thinking, "how could this happen? What went wrong?" I texted my buddy saying, "are you sure it's the right girl?" He responds by saying "check your email, I snapped a pic on my cell phone... she left the club with that guy"

I log onto my email, and sure enough, there was a picture of my girl leaving with this lanky guy with blonde hair. Same dress, same shoes, and her face was to the side, but I could instantly recognize her. It was her. It really burned me up. After shedding some (or more accurately, a LOT of) tears, I decided to end the relationship. Then I calmed down, took a shower, freshened up, and I waited until she came back home (at 6 am).

She was surprised to see me awake... and the conversation went like this - I was calm and grim the entire time:

Her: Why are you still up?
Me: Can't sleep. Why did you come home so late?
Her: Well, I went to a friends party, and I missed the last train home.
Me: *no response - just stared at her*
Her: *gets uncomfortable, starts filling in the silence with all sorts of excuses and explanations while avoiding admitting what she had done*
Me: Well, I heard you had a really good time at the club.
Her: huh?
Me: Come on. Stop lying to me.
Her: WHAT!!!! I'm NOT lying! How could you say that to me? *getting defensive*
Me: I'm no fool. Look at the computer screen *flicked it on, incriminating picture comes up*
Her:
Me: You violated our trust that binds our relationship. I will not tolerate this. Strike one, and I'm gone. This is something I cannot forgive. You have 48 hours to pack your stuff, hand me over the apartment key, and get out of here.
Her: *starts arguing, saying she won't leave*
Me: *trying my best to stay calm* If you do not pack up and get out by then, then I will pack your stuff and throw you and your stuff out.
Her: *storms out of the apartment in a huff*

I don't know where she slept that night, but it was no longer my concern. She came back and begged me to forgive her, and I ignored her pleas. This went on for 2 days. At the end of the 48 hours, she hadn't done any packing. So I waited until she had to go to work, I took the day off and packed her things into her bags. Then I had the resident manager change the lock on my apartment door and gave a new key. I dropped off her bags outside the door. No note, no email, no nothing.

Heard some pounding on the door, and I slipped a post-it note under the door... saying that if she didn't stop pounding the door, I would call the police and have them haul her away.

Never saw her again and/or contacted her after that. I did get a few emails from her months later, but I didn't bother replying.

So that's how I don't tolerate cheating in my relationships with women.

I'm curious to see if anybody has been in a situation where their partner cheated on them and how did they handle it? I'm also even more curious to hear from people who have cheated on their partners, and what led them to cheat, and why did they act on their urges. I know everyone has their urges (we're all humans here), but the fact that they act on them while in a relationship with someone leads me to believe that something was lacking in a relationship.

In hindsight, I realized that although I was generous, I wasn't the best boyfriend. I could've listened more, made more effort to understand her, and refrained from trying to solve her problems as she explained them to me. I can tolerate and forgive a lot, but I draw the line at cheating (as well as stealing).

Well, I've always believed in compassion and forgiveness, but obviously it has it's limits, you know I used to have a gf a long time ago that cheated on me several times, I forgave her but I let her know that my patience wasn't infinite, she did it again and I left her.

Only you know her and your relationship friend, use your intuition, feel her energy and check her eyes, what do you feel? does she deserve a second chance? only you know.

anyway, my best wishes and vibes for you brother, peace of mind to you!

[Rance]

Originally Posted by bluegrassgirl

Rance, I can relate to and understand so much of what you shared. I, however, was pathetic at times in that I was willing to take my husband back and wanted to desperately to believe in him. He did stay in our kid's lives - when it suited his schedule IMO. I can remember when I was confronted for the first time with "them" being a couple. I had kicked him out of the house, but found him at her apartment. I have never been so full of rage. While I'm the most non violent person on the face of the earth, I think I would have harmed them at that moment if I'd had the chance. It was such a feeling of loss that I could not allow myself to even come close to being in that kind of pain again. People that cheat and betray the trust of the person they supposedly cherish can have such long lasting effects that it really is a form of a crime.

Your story makes me extra happy to have read your and Sweden's love story. A happy ending makes a painful past worth it in many ways.

I know that violent feeling you speek of. Us "silent" types can become ruthless killers. Especially when holding in feelings for any length of time, and then snapping and unloading. I would have loved to strangle both parties. Fortunatley I kept my wits about me and had those kids to care for. So me being in jail would have been no good. It's all good. I got over it soon enough. And revenge has been sweet. She has been with 8 or 10 guys over the years. Cheated on most if not all...just replaying the same scene over and over again. I even had a couple of her ex's call me complaining. I just told them all they had to do was ask...I could have clued them in as to what they were getting into! I now thank God the event took place. How would I ever have met Sweden otherwise!

[beowulf7]

Wow, that's a heck of a story (I just read it). Sorry to hear that you were cheated on, but you handled it very well and maturely, considering that it was such an emotional roller coaster. Hope things are going better now.

One of my friends was cheated on by his then-g/f. He treated very well and bought her stuff. He then caught her MySpace page that mentioned her criticizing him and mentioning her going out with other guys. He then ended the relationship. Since then, every once in a while, she texts him (almost like throwing a fishing line out there), but he doesn't bite. He said while it sucked to be cheated on and anonymously made fun of on her MySpace, he learned a lot.

[skatealoneskatetogether]

woman are like stray dogs. If you give them food they keep comming back feeling entitled, but they will still bite the hand that feeds them, they will still run away, and will be unloyal.

[Rance]

Yes there are some like that. But then some guys are no better.