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Old 05-06-2010, 11:14 PM
 
4,482 posts, read 5,320,059 times
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Probably not since the vast majority if not all of you either lived alone or with roommates or with the person you married by the time you got engaged, but...

... my best friend in the world is going to get engaged soon, and "Regina" is amazing. She's classy, highly educated and extremely intelligent (trilingual), makes a six-figure salary, is very elegant and presentable, and is a lady in very sense of the word. A very humble person and very sweet - given her "resume" she could well be a conceited b/tch but she is not. WHich makes me admire her

I am not sure that if I marry, that I'll end up with a woman of this level.

Now here's the thing. "Benjamin" still lives at home. Before you tag him as a loser, understand that his mother became a widower almost 20 years ago. She's very needy, doesn't drive, doesn't speak English, and doesn't make an income. For many years, they lived off of Benjamin's late father's earnings.

Benjamin has a brother in his early 40s who also lived at home but he married 11 years ago, moved out, and now has 2 kids. For a few years he and his wife and the kids moved in to save money but they moved out again after a short time.

Benjamin's mother has met Regina and she approves of her. Both sides' parents have "blessed" the engagement.

But the strange thing is that Benjamin's mother is negative and fails to give him any verbal encouragement. Rather than pumping him up, saying "My son I am so proud/happy/etc" she berates him and keeps whining and warning to him that he better be a good husband, etc, that he can't mess things up, and such comments. He told me this week that it's been this way since it became serious with Regina and since Regina met his family very recently.

Benjamin loves his mother and has always been a good son, but he's become resentful, and almost wants to "prove his mother wrong" just so she can see that he was indeed worthy of a woman like Regina and that Regina is choosing wisely in marrying Benjamin.

Benjamin then told me that deep down he thinks the problem is that his mother, while of course loving him and being happy for him, is being outwardly critical and even negative because she is "losing" Benjamin. Benjamin's mother has been possessive for a long time; she is not as bad as she was, but I remember times 10, 9, 8 years ago when she resented me - his best friend who has known him for almost 20 years - for simply calling him when he happened to be having dinner.

I told him that his mother may well derive her meaning in life and identity from being a mother since she stopped being a wife after his father passed away a long time ago. She was of course a mother to Benjamin's brother, but he's lived outside on his own (with his wife and now with his own children) for a very long time. And now that Benjamin is on the cusp of leaving and beginning his own married life and later, his own family, she feels "left out" and "left alone" and she doesn't like it, and this is why she reacts this way.

Benjamin thinks my analysis is right.

I find this strange because my own parents would never do this. In fact, my own mother told me not too long ago that as much as she wants to live many more years, in part to see my kids be born and grow up, that her life has reached its final stages. THat it's the way life is - the elderly move on, children become adults and have their own kids, and so forth. My mother would never act to me the way Benjamin's mother is acting to Benjamin. In fact, my mother would do the opposite.

Any of you ever face anything like what Benjamin is facing with his own mother - criticism and a difficult attitude at a time he approaches one of the most beautiful and joyful moments of his life, and from the person he thought would be most supportive?
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Old 05-06-2010, 11:22 PM
 
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It may also be cultural. Maybe she thinks as the mother of the groom, she has to emphasize what he must do, that he must be a good husband etc, preparing herself to let go of him.
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Old 05-06-2010, 11:25 PM
 
4,482 posts, read 5,320,059 times
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Originally Posted by malamute View Post
It may also be cultural. Maybe she thinks as the mother of the groom, she has to emphasize what he must do, that he must be a good husband etc, preparing herself to let go of him.
Point taken, but Benjamin's mother did not do this when Benjamin's older brother got married.

Yet Benjamin's mother picks on Benjamin. It's as if she is almost mad at him for leaving her to be with the woman he will marry. Does she expect him to nurse her into her dying days while forgetting about his own life? sheesh.
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Old 05-07-2010, 12:46 AM
 
Location: Brisbane
5,059 posts, read 7,468,758 times
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Funnily enough my brother in law is almost exactly the same situitation. He's non english speaking (lives in asia) father died of cancer many years ago and both his older brother and sister (my wife) have married and moved out.
He wanted to come and join us in Australia for a year and learn some english.
Mother said no he could not go, and he had to stay with her!
I feel so sorry for the poor guy, especially as she did not have too many worries about my wife moving hear before we were married.
This kind of thing could be very common in some cultures?

Last edited by danielsa1775; 05-07-2010 at 01:12 AM..
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Old 05-07-2010, 12:59 AM
 
272 posts, read 639,149 times
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sounds like she's obsessed with him. He's become the "man" in her life. She's using reverse psychology w/ the comments such as "be a good husband..." It's a sick relationship, I'm all too familiar with from my MIL. It will lead to problems if he doesn't put a stop to it himself. I now hate my MIL with a passion.
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Old 05-07-2010, 02:54 AM
 
Location: Somewhere out there...
3,663 posts, read 8,650,378 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner View Post
Probably not since the vast majority if not all of you either lived alone or with roommates or with the person you married by the time you got engaged, but...

... my best friend in the world is going to get engaged soon, and "Regina" is amazing. She's classy, highly educated and extremely intelligent (trilingual), makes a six-figure salary, is very elegant and presentable, and is a lady in very sense of the word. A very humble person and very sweet - given her "resume" she could well be a conceited b/tch but she is not. WHich makes me admire her

I am not sure that if I marry, that I'll end up with a woman of this level.

Now here's the thing. "Benjamin" still lives at home. Before you tag him as a loser, understand that his mother became a widower almost 20 years ago. She's very needy, doesn't drive, doesn't speak English, and doesn't make an income. For many years, they lived off of Benjamin's late father's earnings.

Benjamin has a brother in his early 40s who also lived at home but he married 11 years ago, moved out, and now has 2 kids. For a few years he and his wife and the kids moved in to save money but they moved out again after a short time.

Benjamin's mother has met Regina and she approves of her. Both sides' parents have "blessed" the engagement.

But the strange thing is that Benjamin's mother is negative and fails to give him any verbal encouragement. Rather than pumping him up, saying "My son I am so proud/happy/etc" she berates him and keeps whining and warning to him that he better be a good husband, etc, that he can't mess things up, and such comments. He told me this week that it's been this way since it became serious with Regina and since Regina met his family very recently.

Benjamin loves his mother and has always been a good son, but he's become resentful, and almost wants to "prove his mother wrong" just so she can see that he was indeed worthy of a woman like Regina and that Regina is choosing wisely in marrying Benjamin.

Benjamin then told me that deep down he thinks the problem is that his mother, while of course loving him and being happy for him, is being outwardly critical and even negative because she is "losing" Benjamin. Benjamin's mother has been possessive for a long time; she is not as bad as she was, but I remember times 10, 9, 8 years ago when she resented me - his best friend who has known him for almost 20 years - for simply calling him when he happened to be having dinner.

I told him that his mother may well derive her meaning in life and identity from being a mother since she stopped being a wife after his father passed away a long time ago. She was of course a mother to Benjamin's brother, but he's lived outside on his own (with his wife and now with his own children) for a very long time. And now that Benjamin is on the cusp of leaving and beginning his own married life and later, his own family, she feels "left out" and "left alone" and she doesn't like it, and this is why she reacts this way.

Benjamin thinks my analysis is right.

I find this strange because my own parents would never do this. In fact, my own mother told me not too long ago that as much as she wants to live many more years, in part to see my kids be born and grow up, that her life has reached its final stages. THat it's the way life is - the elderly move on, children become adults and have their own kids, and so forth. My mother would never act to me the way Benjamin's mother is acting to Benjamin. In fact, my mother would do the opposite.

Any of you ever face anything like what Benjamin is facing with his own mother - criticism and a difficult attitude at a time he approaches one of the most beautiful and joyful moments of his life, and from the person he thought would be most supportive?
Are you Benjamin?
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Old 05-07-2010, 04:55 AM
 
28,896 posts, read 54,049,794 times
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The person I feel sorry for in this arrangement isn't Benjamin, because it's his own damned fault that he's allowed himself to be manipulated in this fashion. No, he isn't a complete loser, but he ain't exactly a winner either. Grown-up men, as opposed to mere biological adults, don't allow themselves to be pushed around by their parents.

Nope. The person I feel sorry for is Regina, the bride-to-be. Because she's signing on for a controlling harpy of a mother-in-law who is going to criticize everything she does, all because the mother has been supplanted by the wife.

I guarantee that, unless the mother is hit by a bus, Regina will bravely put up with it for two or three years, grow tired of the MIL's backbiting ways, and then start chafing at the situation. Divorce or affairs are bound to result.
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Old 05-07-2010, 07:03 AM
 
4,482 posts, read 5,320,059 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by asitshouldbe View Post
Are you Benjamin?
no.
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Old 05-07-2010, 07:37 AM
 
628 posts, read 2,041,070 times
Reputation: 524
I would have Benjamin sit down with his mother and talk to her about how he still loves her and that he will still help her with certain things (list them out specifically) and that they can set up a visit schedule. For instance--I will bring you groceries on Wednesday and every other weekend we can spend the morning together doing banking, other errands lunch together. It's much like 'leaving' a child. My grandmother does not drive, does not write hre own checks or anything--her husband did this, then when he passed away my mother did this and now that my mother is in a skilled nursing facility I do this.
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Old 05-07-2010, 07:51 AM
 
4,482 posts, read 5,320,059 times
Reputation: 2966
Quote:
Originally Posted by girlbuffalo1 View Post
I would have Benjamin sit down with his mother and talk to her about how he still loves her and that he will still help her with certain things (list them out specifically) and that they can set up a visit schedule. For instance--I will bring you groceries on Wednesday and every other weekend we can spend the morning together doing banking, other errands lunch together. It's much like 'leaving' a child. My grandmother does not drive, does not write hre own checks or anything--her husband did this, then when he passed away my mother did this and now that my mother is in a skilled nursing facility I do this.
You see, Girlbuffalo1, Benjamin would do this. He's a very reasonable man. The problem is that Benjamin's mother is not. She's stubborn, irrational, has a strong personality, thinks she's always right, is narrow-minded, and interprets disagreement as a personal affront. She's blown up on Benjamin more than a few times and frankly he lacks the strong personality to really talk back to her. In that way, the dynamics between him and his mother and exactly like the dynamics between me and my father. My father won't change so I just let him be (and keep him at a healthy but loving distance) just as Benjamin's mother won't change.

The ironic thing is that Benjamin's older brother very recently moved to the same neighborhood where Benjamin's current household lives. Benjamin's mother can literally walk to see her older son, daughter-in-law, and the grandchildren. Benjamin says that she's been delighted to have this other segment of her family come live so close to her. Which means: after Benjamin is married and moves out, yes, she'll be "lonely," but she'll also have her other son and her beloved grandkids very close by. And it's not as if Benjamin is leaving her never to see her again.

If anything I kind of blame Benjamin's mother for having failed to develop certain basic skills such as driving a car. It's ironic that a person with such a bossy and strong-minded personality can be so needy in other ways. Did she expect him to be her personal butler until she passed away? And as much as Benjamin loves his mother and has helped her out in many ways, it's time for him to proceed to the next stage of life. It's not his fault she is in a way being caught "unprepared" on how to deal with this new situation.
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