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I was on line last night and contacted her to give her a heads up about what I was feeling prior to lunch. We chatted for about an hour. It felt odd to chat about it but we have been chatting quite a bit as we both travel so I went with it. I tried in vain to talk about how feelings are really important between two people. As I suspected she became argumentative not seriously but disputing my perceptions. A real death knell. I want to meet in person but I am flying out Saturday and have obligations to take care of and when I do sit face to face with her want to not be pressured to be somewhere else.....
It is not a good sign that she cannot validate the more personal feelings which I have. Though she did understand "when you put it that way", it seems like foreign territory to her. One thing really bothered me. I said when I am with you there is this pressure towards me and talked with her about the difference between saying "you are a diversion from my busy life" to "it is really great to be with you". She said well the wind has really been blowing at my house but I don't think that is what you mean. It sounded cavalier about something important to me.
I can be wrong or miss things. So I am going to take acouple weeks until she and I meet. It is not promising. Why would someone avoid getting sensitive and real with someone they say they enjoy being with? I hate to say it but I think that I already know the answer.
She's not ready to let her guard down, infact may never.
Admirable, your still willing to sit down and talk inspite of the conversation, although,
I'm not certain why. At her age she's beyond having her flaws pointed out by a date, she is who she is.
She's not ready to let her guard down, infact may never.
Admirable, your still willing to sit down and talk inspite of the conversation, although,
I'm not certain why. At her age she's beyond having her flaws pointed out by a date, she is who she is.
I agree. The reason I ambivalent is that when we have done day trips and activities we have a great time....and the efficient dragon appears. I see potential if she will allow a personal exchange may be may be not.
So I called her to make sure that she had gotten my email postponing our meeting and tried to open the conversation over the phone. She was having none of it. Again she said that she was surprised that I feeling this way. I stayed on the phone and was hoping that she would open up a little .......in my imagination it would have been something like........hey we are having a good time if there is something I missed or i am sorry that you are feeling this way, I like you and really want to talk this through......instead she was very cool. I said so many nice things and you know what I got.........."later".
I could not believe she said that. wow. no investment. cold and aloof. guess she is doing me a favor...........bummed I am. silly me, twas again to good to be true.
I recently began dating again. I am seeing a very bright woman. When we are together we have great times but frequently she makes comments which are designed to prompt me to say something or agree with her on an issue. Though I find her attractive she presses me to comment on her looks. She also tries to control activities and seems pressed or under pressure to get things done and I am just there as an activity. That is different from a friend who cares about me as an individual something I find easy to do for her.
I have had relationships where a woman tries to make the man fit into the spot she has defined and found that I am unhappy as being liked is the first step not fitting her expectations.
She keeps me at arms length in the rest of her life and I am growing weary of this as well. I go back and forth but when we do activities they are really great times.
Any advice appreciated =)
I can understand your frustration; I dated someone exactly like this for nearly three years.
Her pressure to get your comment on things (and as you noted, always in a positive light regarding agreement with her) is indicative of low self-esteem on her part -- despite that she's intelligent and vivacious.
Her need to control activities and force you into a peg-hole IS about control. At some point in her life she's felt very OUT of control and/or used/abused (likely in some emotional way involving sex, plus social standing with other women).
Keeping you at arm's length the rest of the time is another form of control. Most unfortunately what you'll discover is that the times when you will find yourself invited in will typically involve some form of advantage for her, some thing which she wants and which you can help provide a means toward accomplishing. That is, admittedly, guesswork on my part but it's a pattern I've noted time and again.
She doesn't necessarily MEAN to be this way, it's just how she is.
Have you noticed a predisposition toward inconsideration on her part, finding your desires and/or casual wants brushed aside while she frequently chafes under the yoke if you refuse to go along with some of her stuff?
(By the way I've read nothing else in the thread so forgive me if I repeated something; I'm now going back and reading)
EDIT: After going back and reading the rest of the thread I see I was right.
Dude, STOP looking for romance and a relationship from this woman and just enjoy it for friendship WHEN you go out together. This woman is probably a great person to go out and have fun with but she is NOT looking for the same thing you are.
Last edited by Urban Sasquatch; 05-13-2010 at 12:21 PM..
Reason: Re-read the thread
Thanks for the insightful post. Some things are quite accurate some are not. She can be very giving but after this mornings conversation where she once again could not understand my reasonable concerns there is not much chance of this going anywhere at this time..........
I agree. The reason I ambivalent is that when we have done day trips and activities we have a great time....and the efficient dragon appears. I see potential if she will allow a personal exchange may be may be not.
Thank you for your responses.
I don't believe ppl become vulnerable until theres an emotional investment, she's hard as nails, it seems to some degree you see her as a challenge though.
I don't believe ppl become vulnerable until theres an emotional investment, she's hard as nails, it seems to some degree you see her as a challenge though.
I think that deep down she is lovely. if her selfishness has taken over her conduct there is no hope of more than just an activity friend in my mind...........right now she is drama queen so I am out of there with a courteous encouragement to her to stay present and not be all that. we all choose to move towards people we trust or look for them at least if we have had a trusting relationship. I don't think that she has so as a friend I can help her out a little on that road so no rejection to her on my part.........just saying what it is and what it is not.
I have also told her she has to play nice if she is going to play at all.
Sounds like you two do not want the same things. She's looking for fun, casual encounters and you want a deeper relationship. It's probably time to move on.
I think that deep down she is lovely. if her selfishness has taken over her conduct there is no hope of more than just an activity friend in my mind...........right now she is drama queen so I am out of there with a courteous encouragement to her to stay present and not be all that. we all choose to move towards people we trust or look for them at least if we have had a trusting relationship. I don't think that she has so as a friend I can help her out a little on that road so no rejection to her on my part.........just saying what it is and what it is not.
I have also told her she has to play nice if she is going to play at all.
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