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Old 05-12-2010, 12:29 PM
 
6 posts, read 7,729 times
Reputation: 16
Unhappy Should I give my husband a second chance?

Helpppp
I am 27 Ive been with my husband 9 yrs and i have a 4 yr old son
I finally left him 2 days ago . I had a mentally abusive relationship . He was very jealous ! I had to walk with my head down and deal with fighting all the time ( what im wearing , where im looking ect ect ) He has made my life miserable ! Now on the up side He loves me unconditionally , he was an amazing supporter ( i was a stay at home mom ) i had a house and all my bills paid . He was an okay father . Now that I left hes begging for one more chance He claims if I wouldve sat him down and discussed this (that im gonna leave before i left) he wouldve changed before it was too late. Obviously when we fought id threaten him i was taking my son and leaving but now it really happened. I also dont know if i put enough thought about what i am doing to my son . Now he is promising the world . I do love him I just dont know what I should do Right now i can survive with 1 child but what if i go back and find out hes the same 3 yrs later when i have another child.
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Old 05-12-2010, 12:36 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
15,366 posts, read 14,254,600 times
Reputation: 21718
You need to stay away. Stay with friends, or relatives until you can get on your feet. If you are having thoughts about going back to him, please, DO NOT go back right now! Give yourself time to heal, and realize that you are a person too, and most definetly give him time to realize that you are not going to go right back in the same situation that you just left. I think deep down, you know that things "will not change."
I have been in your shoes, and I lost count how many times I went back for that "second chance." Good luck!!

Thats another thing I should add on here...do think about your son. Do you honestly want him raised to see how Mom has to be "ashamed" all of the time, because of your husband? I know I would want more for him, if it was me..
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Old 05-12-2010, 12:36 PM
 
2,893 posts, read 3,475,265 times
Reputation: 1922
Did he know there was a genuine problem, or did he think it was "just another fight"?

How much communication, real communication, was going on?

I would suggest if he wants another chance, he go to marriage counseling with you. I would also suggest making sure you are on BC. You don't want make-up sex to generate another child that may lock you into a place where you cannot leave and he is free to return to his old ways.
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Old 05-12-2010, 12:38 PM
 
Location: Cumberland Co., TN
11,071 posts, read 10,910,255 times
Reputation: 11142
Sounds like you need some time away from your marriage for serious thought.
A spouse will promise you the moon to get you back. If this isnt the first time you been in this situation, it wont be the last until both of you make some real changes. Sounds like he has major control issues that need to be addressed.
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Old 05-12-2010, 12:43 PM
 
Location: NYC area
3,486 posts, read 3,311,813 times
Reputation: 3744
Anybody can promise anything. Words are cheap. You shouldn't put much stock in promises. Instead, realize that a person's past conduct is the most reliable predictor of how he will treat you in the future.

Whatever you do, don't stay in the marriage simply because you have your bills paid. You are not a child, you are a grown person. And you are still young. Get out there, acquire some marketable skills and get a job, for crying out loud. The longer you live with a man simply because he supports you, the more and more financially dependent you'll become.

As for "mental abuse" -- you'll find that in any unhappy family, although your husband's attempts to control you signals a danger ahead. However, if you decide to come back to him and give it another go, make sure you leave immediately if he ever lays a finger on you or on the kid.

And DO NOT get pregnant again. It's an extremely bad idea to have a kid when your marriage is on the rocks.
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Old 05-12-2010, 12:43 PM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,511 posts, read 11,680,169 times
Reputation: 9099
Take a cue from the countless abused wives, compare their stories to yours. Most of all, be honest with yourself, trust your 'instincts'...intuition...gut feeling....hunches...whatever you want to call it. They won't steer you wrong--if you know how to recognize them.
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Old 05-12-2010, 12:49 PM
 
Location: Nashville, Tn
7,917 posts, read 11,370,902 times
Reputation: 5294
I have to agree with what's been said, it must be very difficult now but if you go back to him you're just going to have more misery. Abusive people just can't suddenly change their personalities.
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Old 05-12-2010, 01:06 PM
 
Location: New Milford, NJ
1,448 posts, read 1,962,318 times
Reputation: 964
This may sound trite, corny, and even cliche, but I am a fan of Dr. Phil's philosophies, I believed in many of the things he says before he said them, but he has a show and I don't.

He has said two things consistently...
1) The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

and

2) Kids would rather be from a broken home than IN one.

Hope this helps, and no I don't think you should go back and for God's sake don't have another child with him!!
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Old 05-12-2010, 01:08 PM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
8,860 posts, read 10,847,636 times
Reputation: 16368
Quote:
Originally Posted by per143 View Post
Helpppp
I am 27 Ive been with my husband 9 yrs and i have a 4 yr old son
I finally left him 2 days ago . I had a mentally abusive relationship . He was very jealous ! I had to walk with my head down and deal with fighting all the time ( what im wearing , where im looking ect ect ) He has made my life miserable ! Now on the up side He loves me unconditionally , he was an amazing supporter ( i was a stay at home mom ) i had a house and all my bills paid . He was an okay father . Now that I left hes begging for one more chance He claims if I wouldve sat him down and discussed this (that im gonna leave before i left) he wouldve changed before it was too late. Obviously when we fought id threaten him i was taking my son and leaving but now it really happened. I also dont know if i put enough thought about what i am doing to my son . Now he is promising the world . I do love him I just dont know what I should do Right now i can survive with 1 child but what if i go back and find out hes the same 3 yrs later when i have another child.
He obviously didn't love you unconditionally seeing the demands he placed upon you because of his jealousy and insecurity. That part of him will not change overnight, if ever. If you go back anticipate more of the same behavior down the road.
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Old 05-12-2010, 01:09 PM
 
Location: Incognito
6,987 posts, read 12,706,945 times
Reputation: 5278
Those promises will be nothing in a few weeks if not days. You and your little one are better off without him. Don't believe me? Take him back and just watch.
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