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Woman and man live together. She has limitations when it comes to work due to health reasons, and he knows this, he knew this when they met and he pushed quickly for them to move in together and live like a married couple (wanting to share passwords, take "family" photos, things like that).
Over time, he became abusive, but one thing he did consistently was call her a mooch whenever she had a complaint about him or brought something to his attention that hurt her. He would say how he puts a roof over her head and she does nothing, even though she contributes when she can, when she is able to get work. He has kicked her out or locked her out on numerous occasions during these arguments, because it was his apartment and her name was not on the lease. She stays because she really can't afford a place on her own and she no longer complains about anything for fear of being put out again.
Now, this is not about the abuse. It's obvious she needs to leave. The question is, do you feel making more money entitles you to more say, more ownership of a residence you share, more overall?
Of course not, but there are people who do. It's an age old story, there are many women who would leave relationships that are either abusive or just not working for them but cannot for economic reasons. A lot of men feel that if they are the breadwinner and supporting you that you have no right to complain about anything.
I would have been divorced a lot sooner if my job had been going as well as it is now years ago, and my son didn't have issues with his ADHD that required me to work less. The reality is I need my ex-husband's income. He wasn't abusive in an overt way, but in subtle ways...I guess what people would refer to as the classic passive-aggressive behavior, although he never lorded money over my head in any way, but there are many who feel entitled if they are supporting someone. I did have a decent income to contribute and it was actually equal to him over time, but I had to work odd hours to do it so I also needed him to stay with my son. Childcare would have been a nightmare for shiftwork.
I wish I had been able to leave earlier and get on with my life sooner, but alas, this was not to be.
Maybe she can find someone else who would put her up temporarily or someone she can share a residence with? Even a shelter? Does she get any disability? I hope she can get out of this situation.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate
Now, this is not about the abuse. It's obvious she needs to leave. The question is, do you feel making more money entitles you to more say, more ownership of a residence you share, more overall?
Of course not. Absolutely not. But it's astounding how many people think this way. And some of the same people who complain about those they suspect marry for money act like their money-or the fact that they make more than their partner--gives them certain entitlements in the relationship. Moronic.
I don't feel that contributing more money gives one person more ownership or rights, but I make less than my husband. I made more than he did a few years back and didn't feel that way then, and I hope I would never feel like that. My husband doesn't make me feel like it's his money, his house or his stuff.
Of course not, but there are people who do. It's an age old story, there are many women who would leave relationships that are either abusive or just not working for them but cannot for economic reasons. A lot of men feel that if they are the breadwinner and supporting you that you have no right to complain about anything.
I would have been divorced a lot sooner if my job had been going as well as it is now years ago, and my son didn't have issues with his ADHD that required me to work less. The reality is I need my ex-husband's income. He wasn't abusive in an overt way, but in subtle ways...I guess what people would refer to as the classic passive-aggressive behavior, although he never lorded money over my head in any way, but there are many who feel entitled if they are supporting someone. I did have a decent income to contribute and it was actually equal to him over time, but I had to work odd hours to do it so I also needed him to stay with my son. Childcare would have been a nightmare for shiftwork.
I wish I had been able to leave earlier and get on with my life sooner, but alas, this was not to be.
Even though he didn't lord money over your head, did you ever feel like you owed him or did he try to make you feel that way in other ways?
Quote:
Maybe she can find someone else who would put her up temporarily or someone she can share a residence with? Even a shelter? Does she get any disability? I hope she can get out of this situation.
I don't know if she gets disability, doesn't sound like it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd
Of course not. Absolutely not. But it's astounding how many people think this way. And some of the same people who complain about those they suspect marry for money act like their money-or the fact that they make more than their partner--gives them certain entitlements in the relationship. Moronic.
He didn't make me feel like I owed him, he just didn't pay attention to anything that was going on at home but himself. Actually, he hated every job he had and made sure I knew it all the time with his constant complaining which caused anxiety for me, and changed jobs several times and eventually I was the one supporting us, but for a while, he was working steadily and I needed his income and benefits in order to be able to take care of my son properly.
I think if I had to do it over, I would have taken my chances and stayed with my parents instead of moving out with him and buying a house, since we were already living there temporarily. I could have just sent him on his way to get his own place and moved on much earlier with my life but I wasn't sure I was going to be able to keep my job at the time and didn't want to get stuck living with my parents and my son with nothing but child support, unemployed. I just couldn't do it.
Well, PTC, you have put your finger on the chief problem with the "My money/Your money" way of running a marriage. Even if one partner earns $500,000 and the other earns $5,000, it is always "Our Money."
In fact, I hate keeping score on everything about a marriage. When you start saying, "Well, I took the kids to the soccer game," "Oh, yeah? I cleaned out the garage!" then things will start going downhill quickly.
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