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Oh I do, quite a few friends and relatives in fact, that married between ages 18-23. They are all the most miserable in their relationships or just plain divorced.
Why? Well I think it comes down to neither party in all those cases had a chance to become their own person before getting married. I found myself it took me until around my late 20's to around 30 that I was comfortable and settled with myself with who I am and I have noticed the same with others as well. Also my relationships seem much better and comfortable as well and again I notice that with others that hook up at that age.
I've seen so many women at your age so convinced "he's the one" when they really can't see the woods from the trees. It just might be the case for you, but I wouldn't be so blinded and convinced yet, especially considering your problems, which by the way sex problems in relationships along with money issues are the biggest destructive forces with long lasting effects.
If someone has to become her own person before being in a LTR or getting married then what's the point of dating before then? Going out with random people and having sex? I'm not discrediting what you say, that actually makes a lot of sense to me. It's just kind of depressing. Especially because I really don't know what I'm supposed to do to "find" myself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GT28107
More issues that you need to work out with a professional.
It's one thing to not want to party all the time (most people don't), but to say, "I hate social functions," implies some more deep-seated issues that must be worked out.
Whatever answers you're looking for, you will not find here. I can guarantee you that.
Really? Being an introvert is a deep-seated issue?
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow
You asked what we could have done to 'fix' our sexless marriage.
Well, I tried any and everything I could think of. Nothing worked. I spent a lot of time researching this topic and I learned that the partner who doesn't want sex CAN be totally different in a subsequent relationship but they are unlikely to change if their current relationship continues.
You asked specifically whether I thought he could be part of the problem.
Granted, NO ONE is perfect and we DO only have your side of this to try and evaluate. However, if you're coming to dread sex that much with this man then it inevitably begs the question of WHY?
Perhaps you simply want to be free to explore your world now that you're old enough to get out there and start enjoying and discovering.
Perhaps he's droll and hum-drum in bed; on the flip-side of that perhaps he's amazing and your fuse is simply a slow- or no-fizzle (there's no way to tell so one has to give BOTH of you the benefit of the doubt).
Perhaps he's doing things which have begun to weigh on you, or perhaps you're being unrealistic and selfish and working yourself up while blaming him and only taking the blame on the surface (again, NO way of knowing, benefit of the doubt both ways).
There are a million and one "perhaps" scenarios here which could be explored but the bottom line about 99 percent of the time in flagging relationships it's not one party or the other, it's a rag-tag combination of bits and pieces, a little of this from him, a little of that from her, all of it blending and melding into trouble a-brewin'.
People have a tendency to look for ONE answer when it comes to relationships and that's seldom the case.
What don't you like about partying, and social situations? Does it make you feel anxious? It might be worth looking into Social Anxiety Disorder. Certainly doesn't make you a bad person if you have that, but it might be helpful in life to learn how to enjoy being with people, a little more.
If someone has to become her own person before being in a LTR or getting married then what's the point of dating before then? Going out with random people and having sex? I'm not discrediting what you say, that actually makes a lot of sense to me. It's just kind of depressing. Especially because I really don't know what I'm supposed to do to "find" myself.
Well I'm not talking about picking up random people and having one night stands.
But I do think having a lot of dating experience helps you realize a lot about yourself and what you want. I don't look at it as purposeful searching, more just gaining life experience which at 20, people lack in that area. I even had many bad dating experiences but they ended up good because I learned much from them.
Probably the best advice I can give people is to never force anything. It seems the sex is already a major problem and it isn't clicking. If it isn't clicking and feeling comfortable now, it sure as hell wont be at 30 years old, by 40 it will be a cold, barren, loveless place and by 50 absolute misery. I always look at my relationships as to whether I feel at ease or not.
I just don't buy the "he's the only man for me". I've heard so many women at your age say that with life long regret afterwords. They are so blinded by it they can't see anything else until it is too late. In this case, you have some major sex/intimacy problems and you mentioned money issues as well. Well those are two major deals that can absolutely shred couples to bits.
My advice moving forward is that you have identified some serious issues so I would be forthright and bring those to his attention. He needs to know what the deal is and be aware that he might not react the way you want or anticipate. I would give a period of time to try to resolve these issues to where both of you can be comfortable. If not then you should take a break from the relationship for a while.
What don't you like about partying, and social situations? Does it make you feel anxious? It might be worth looking into Social Anxiety Disorder. Certainly doesn't make you a bad person if you have that, but it might be helpful in life to learn how to enjoy being with people, a little more.
Yeah, I wasn't kidding when I said that I have more problems than I can keep track of. I've been diagnosed with severe depression, severe anxiety, moderate OCD, moderate agoraphobia. Can't afford the prescriptions and even if I could I'm not sure I'd want to try them
Well, I talked it over with him and he said that he's happy to work with me on fixing some of the issues. We're going to try to communicate better, which I think will help a lot. Things are looking up
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