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Old 05-13-2010, 08:55 AM
 
6,046 posts, read 6,980,249 times
Reputation: 1860
Default Older man w/ baggage

Sooo...how do I approach this situation?

Hi all- I'm a 28 year old, single gal. Recently an older man, 45 years old, has taken interest in me. I do like him and it isn't really the age that is the factor...it's more his living situation and the fact that he has A LOT of baggage.

He is divorced with a 10 year old son. He wasn't married to his ex-wife very long. He got her pregnant and she said if he didn't marry she would have an abortion. Shortly after the kid was born, they filed for divorce. This was about 10 years ago. In between he has had some relationships. His last relationship ended approx. around new years time. She had 2 kids (not with him) and she and the kids were living with him...and still are! Even though he is not with this ex, I, as someone who he is trying to court...can't even fathom this situation. He told me I cannot come over his place b/c his ex is living there and she would be furious. I don't understand why he can't just get the balls and kick her out...or speak up to to her and say no and invite me over.

I don't want to have to inconvenience anything to have a relationship with him...just to keep HER happy. I want to be able to have a boyfriend and visit him freely and not have to worry about an ex or her kids or any other drama. Not only that, but I googled him and I found out that they were engaged- NOT just boyf/girlf...but he hasn't admitted it to me.

So I guess I'm a little stuck. He is a very nice guy, so that's the part that is telling me it's worth it...but the baggage is just too much for me to handle. Plus, I feel if he indeed WAS engaged to this woman, then he isn't being honest with me.

Thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks
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Old 05-13-2010, 08:58 AM
 
Location: southern california
48,913 posts, read 45,129,582 times
Reputation: 39864
long term lease if it is a generous lease may be the way to go.
when you get in other peoples biz and space things get messy.
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Old 05-13-2010, 09:01 AM
 
29,489 posts, read 17,721,288 times
Reputation: 14425
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
Sooo...how do I approach this situation?

Hi all- I'm a 28 year old, single gal. Recently an older man, 45 years old, has taken interest in me. I do like him and it isn't really the age that is the factor...it's more his living situation and the fact that he has A LOT of baggage.

He is divorced with a 10 year old son. He wasn't married to his ex-wife very long. He got her pregnant and she said if he didn't marry she would have an abortion. Shortly after the kid was born, they filed for divorce. This was about 10 years ago. In between he has had some relationships. His last relationship ended approx. around new years time. She had 2 kids (not with him) and she and the kids were living with him...and still are! Even though he is not with this ex, I, as someone who he is trying to court...can't even fathom this situation. He told me I cannot come over his place b/c his ex is living there and she would be furious. I don't understand why he can't just get the balls and kick her out...or speak up to to her and say no and invite me over.

I don't want to have to inconvenience anything to have a relationship with him...just to keep HER happy. I want to be able to have a boyfriend and visit him freely and not have to worry about an ex or her kids or any other drama. Not only that, but I googled him and I found out that they were engaged- NOT just boyf/girlf...but he hasn't admitted it to me.

So I guess I'm a little stuck. He is a very nice guy, so that's the part that is telling me it's worth it...but the baggage is just too much for me to handle. Plus, I feel if he indeed WAS engaged to this woman, then he isn't being honest with me.

Thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks
Um, something smells about the ex gf still living with him AND being irate if she found out about you.

Part of the story could be reasonable in that they might be sharing expenses in this economy or he is being a nice guy since she might not have a place to go etc....but in those cases he should be able to have a gf etc.

I think he is still occasionally having sex with her or is otherwise not giving you the full story. Not telling you they were engaged is another flag.

I think he's playing you.
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Old 05-13-2010, 09:02 AM
 
2,028 posts, read 5,414,360 times
Reputation: 2770
I see red flags everywhere. I can't imagine what part of this interests you?
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Old 05-13-2010, 09:06 AM
 
3,538 posts, read 4,260,612 times
Reputation: 2400
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
Sooo...how do I approach this situation?

Hi all- I'm a 28 year old, single gal. Recently an older man, 45 years old, has taken interest in me. I do like him and it isn't really the age that is the factor...it's more his living situation and the fact that he has A LOT of baggage.

He is divorced with a 10 year old son. He wasn't married to his ex-wife very long. He got her pregnant and she said if he didn't marry she would have an abortion. Shortly after the kid was born, they filed for divorce. This was about 10 years ago. In between he has had some relationships. His last relationship ended approx. around new years time. She had 2 kids (not with him) and she and the kids were living with him...and still are! Even though he is not with this ex, I, as someone who he is trying to court...can't even fathom this situation. He told me I cannot come over his place b/c his ex is living there and she would be furious. I don't understand why he can't just get the balls and kick her out...or speak up to to her and say no and invite me over.

I don't want to have to inconvenience anything to have a relationship with him...just to keep HER happy. I want to be able to have a boyfriend and visit him freely and not have to worry about an ex or her kids or any other drama. Not only that, but I googled him and I found out that they were engaged- NOT just boyf/girlf...but he hasn't admitted it to me.

So I guess I'm a little stuck. He is a very nice guy, so that's the part that is telling me it's worth it...but the baggage is just too much for me to handle. Plus, I feel if he indeed WAS engaged to this woman, then he isn't being honest with me.

Thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks
The parts I put in bold are major red flags. First I think there is more to this story than what he says. In order to get a divorce in NY, you must be separated (i.e. not living with each other) for 1 year and then get divorced. Something doesn't jive here.

The second part, "just to keep her happy" sounds like thats what she's going to pull.

The third part, finding out some info that he hasn't said to you is not a good sign either.

If I were to divorce, I most certainly would move out and not move back in. He's getting something (sex or free place or discount on place to live). If he says he's doing it to see his kid, then something is not right in the divorce settlement, or they're not divorced at all. If the wife wouldn't allow me to see the kid, i'd be in court fighting for the kid.

You would be taking on a kid in this relationship as well as a possible trouble making mother.

Regardless of how nice he is, you need to look at the overall situation and have an adult talk with him to find out why he's not in a separate place from his wife.

I agree with the others, this doesn't smell good at all.
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Old 05-13-2010, 09:08 AM
 
Location: NYC
7,373 posts, read 6,947,069 times
Reputation: 10048
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
Sooo...how do I approach this situation?

Hi all- I'm a 28 year old, single gal. Recently an older man, 45 years old, has taken interest in me. I do like him and it isn't really the age that is the factor...it's more his living situation and the fact that he has A LOT of baggage.

He is divorced with a 10 year old son. He wasn't married to his ex-wife very long. He got her pregnant and she said if he didn't marry she would have an abortion. Shortly after the kid was born, they filed for divorce. This was about 10 years ago. In between he has had some relationships. His last relationship ended approx. around new years time. She had 2 kids (not with him) and she and the kids were living with him...and still are! Even though he is not with this ex, I, as someone who he is trying to court...can't even fathom this situation. He told me I cannot come over his place b/c his ex is living there and she would be furious. I don't understand why he can't just get the balls and kick her out...or speak up to to her and say no and invite me over.

I don't want to have to inconvenience anything to have a relationship with him...just to keep HER happy. I want to be able to have a boyfriend and visit him freely and not have to worry about an ex or her kids or any other drama. Not only that, but I googled him and I found out that they were engaged- NOT just boyf/girlf...but he hasn't admitted it to me.

So I guess I'm a little stuck. He is a very nice guy, so that's the part that is telling me it's worth it...but the baggage is just too much for me to handle. Plus, I feel if he indeed WAS engaged to this woman, then he isn't being honest with me.

Thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks
He's not a nice guy, he's a liar who knows he could not run this game on a woman close to his age.

He's living with a fiancee, which means all he has to offer you is table scraps. Maybe she's an ex, maybe not. Man + woman + romance + kids all living under the same roof = relationship!

If you suspect he is worth it, tell him you absolutely will not date him until his personal life is 100% clear and you can (and will) be invited to his home.

Do not, I repeat do NOT hand your youth over to this player. You will be sorry in the end.

(PS, the way he described his marriage and last relationship sounds like BS to me too -- he's heavily spinning things to sound like nothing is his fault. I don't buy it.)
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Old 05-13-2010, 09:12 AM
 
5,852 posts, read 4,695,104 times
Reputation: 8901
Just tell him to look you up when he's single again.

Then start dating others.
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Old 05-13-2010, 09:14 AM
 
Location: Living near our Nation's Capitol since 2010
1,473 posts, read 1,484,006 times
Reputation: 2724
BS meter is sounding an alert! The guy doesn't have baggage. He has another relationship.

As someone above said, do NOT waste your best years with someone who is playing. (As the book He's Just Not That Into You says, "don't waste the pretty". And really, don't you think 45 is a bit old for someone 28? It might be fine now, but fast forward 20 years..you will still be relatively young and he will be collecting SSI. No, I am not ageist, just realistic.
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Old 05-13-2010, 09:15 AM
 
6,046 posts, read 6,980,249 times
Reputation: 1860
Quote:
Originally Posted by thebobs View Post
The parts I put in bold are major red flags. First I think there is more to this story than what he says. In order to get a divorce in NY, you must be separated (i.e. not living with each other) for 1 year and then get divorced. Something doesn't jive here.

The second part, "just to keep her happy" sounds like thats what she's going to pull.

The third part, finding out some info that he hasn't said to you is not a good sign either.

If I were to divorce, I most certainly would move out and not move back in. He's getting something (sex or free place or discount on place to live). If he says he's doing it to see his kid, then something is not right in the divorce settlement, or they're not divorced at all. If the wife wouldn't allow me to see the kid, i'd be in court fighting for the kid.

You would be taking on a kid in this relationship as well as a possible trouble making mother.

Regardless of how nice he is, you need to look at the overall situation and have an adult talk with him to find out why he's not in a separate place from his wife.

I agree with the others, this doesn't smell good at all.
Nooo the women he is living with isn't the women he is divorced from. She's a former gf/fiance...after the fact. 2 seperate women- sorry if I confused you.
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Old 05-13-2010, 09:21 AM
 
6,046 posts, read 6,980,249 times
Reputation: 1860
Quote:
Originally Posted by FlightAttendant View Post
BS meter is sounding an alert! The guy doesn't have baggage. He has another relationship.

As someone above said, do NOT waste your best years with someone who is playing. (As the book He's Just Not That Into You says, "don't waste the pretty". And really, don't you think 45 is a bit old for someone 28? It might be fine now, but fast forward 20 years..you will still be relatively young and he will be collecting SSI. No, I am not ageist, just realistic.
I realise that but the guys my age are awful. I am not saying this guy is anything great either but I;d rather be with an older guy who respects me than some guy my age who doesn't. (I'm not saying this guy does or would...just a general statement).
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