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It occurs to me that the OP is enmeshed with this man and is avoiding the decisions that should in most situations like this be made. This is a potentially legal situation in an on line chat forum and for that reason I have alerted the moderators. I hope that they will intervene in the OP's situation and notify the authorities. In some states, that is a legal requirement.
OP.. I agree with the throwing out of your old stuff.. make your home as boring as possible. Give him nothing to do. Sell your stuff. Have someone hold on to your TV, your computer(s)... disconnect the cable, phone, internet.
and where did he get this money from that he just offered you?? I wish you the best.. this is a tough situation to be in.. It's going to be hard to be 'delicate' and 'firm' at the same time... Please be careful. Is there ANYONE you can call??? Old friends, co workers... ANYONE, really.
Its going to be tough to be alone after you go through with this.. You're going to need some support. I'd suggest looking for a support group that deals with these kinds of things.. I know he's not physically abusive, but perhaps some sort of domestic abuse support group? Being alone at home after all this happens is going to put you in a bad position.
OP, if you want him gone, stop referring to him as your bf - he's just your freeloader. Next, please listen - he is abusing you. You are emotionally broken down. Get some help. Find a shelter for abused women and ask for counselling. Get some help for you.
Get it through your head that your freeloader doesn't care what you eat or when you eat or IF you eat. He's all about him. Stop trying to plan on meals together, he's a loner. He has made that absolutely clear to you.
You CAN handle this situation. You have info from a retired state trooper on how to handle this. You just need someone in person for moral support. Find that women's shelter asap.
I met my boyfriend a year ago. He moved into my home 8 months ago due to job loss and I thought we were in love. He has said he wants to marry me, etc, but now I think he's just blowing smoke. He is an ex-alcoholic, three years sober, and is trying to get visitation rights with his two year old son which makes him very angry. He has a temper and often assumes things me, such as my mood..he says hateful things to me. I ask him why if he says he cares about me so much how can he act the way he does? He says and I quote: I am the way I am and I ain't changing, take it or leave it". Mkay...
In the last few months things have gotten downright awful. He makes no attempt at getting a job. Why should he, I have a good job and a home so I realize this. He plays World of Warcraft for 12 hr stretches. He is not affectionate period. He wants back rubs, neck rubs, from sitting at that stupid computer for hours. He wants sex only when he wants it and he never touches me or gives any foreplay, just three minutes and done.
Now. My problem is I am afraid of him. He has never hit me but has thrown things and has said things that make me afraid. Such as the neighbor's dog barks a lot. He has said that one day I'll come home from work and if the dog is dead I'm not to say a word to anybody. He's told me stories from his past of things he did while drunk...an uncle wouldn't let him drive his truck for some reason or other so he told some nasty friends where his uncle's safe was in his house and they broke in and stole a lot of money and guns. He has also keyed cars, has multiple DUI's, has spent a year and a half in jail because of them...How the hell do I get this man out of my house? I cannot get the courage up to even speak to him about it. I've thought of a million ways to say it..I've written letters but can't get the courage up to actually give them to him..
He takes and takes and gives nothing. He is always in a hateful mood and says mean things. I deserve better than this. Would someone please help me? I am on pins and needles around him, never knowing what his mood will be. I'm taking Xanax because of this man. I can't leave because I own my home and I'll be damned if I have to leave! But I am so afraid of him I don't know what to do. Thanks in advance.
First things first, you need to go to the sheriff's department/police department and take out a restraing order, immediately.
Then, call your nearest battered women's shelter. They are experts at dealing with manipulative, angry bullies like this and will give you the support you need.
Next you call a locksmith to change all your locks.
After that, spend the time it takes to place ALL of his things on your front porch or in your front yard.
Then you have to be brave enough to call the police when he shows up. He will be angry and bang on the doors, but don't let that intimidate you. The police will take one look at your restraining order and order him to take his stuff and leave your property.
Best of luck, and learn your lesson well - NEVER bring another man into your home like this again until enough time as passed for you to truly know his character and intentions.
Poor little googy egg ((big hugs)) I was once in your situation, I know how awful it is.
I didn't know what to do either - and I was married to him and I was so embarrassed no one knew I was having problems and wanted a divorce.
I was scared too - with good reason because I was suffering domestic violence, emotional and financial abuse and he was not about to give me any control back.
Once I made the decision that I just had to get rid of him I started to withdraw and stopped giving him all the things he demanded, he actually quite quickly got sick of my behaviour and he left me in order to punish me and show me who was boss.
After a few weeks of living with his mum he decided I'd learned my lesson and he tried to move back, so I had the locks changed.
Made him sooo angry, he kept attacking me and I eventually got a restraining order - but then I was rid of him. YAY!
I wish you all the best.
I was also wondering if you might find an ally in his mother? No joy in my situation my MIL was nastier than her own son.
Could you approach his friends in AA for advice or help?
thanks everyone for the advice. I'm listening, truly I am.
He got the money play poker with his AA buddies with $10 I gave him. He won the pot. His mother has washed her hands of him and I don't blame her.
The reason I got with this guy in the first place is because I was stupid. I had been married for 24 years and caught my ex cheating. This guy was the first guy I met after the divorce. At first he was everything he should be, caring, sweet...and I wasn't used to it and I ate it up. Believe me, I know not to fall for this again. I'm 40 years old. I am mad as hell at myself for letting it get so far out of my control.
Also, to whomever alerted the moderator. I understand why you did and I thank you for your concern to do so. However, I think I have this somewhat handled. I'm just waiting for him to come back tonight and I am going to try my best to tell him what I must tell him. KC police won't do anything, I swear. If they came to my house then I REALLY would be terrified of his reaction. He HATES the police. He would be beyond angry if the police were here and I would be in an even more crummy situation. My next door neighbor works for them (female civilian) and I called her and she said the same thing anyway.
thanks everyone for the advice. I'm listening, truly I am.
He got the money play poker with his AA buddies with $10 I gave him. He won the pot. His mother has washed her hands of him and I don't blame her.
The reason I got with this guy in the first place is because I was stupid. I had been married for 24 years and caught my ex cheating. This guy was the first guy I met after the divorce. At first he was everything he should be, caring, sweet...and I wasn't used to it and I ate it up. Believe me, I know not to fall for this again. I'm 40 years old. I am mad as hell at myself for letting it get so far out of my control.
Ah gotcha.. and wow.. how old were you when you first got married?? How long have you been separated from your ex?? The math doesnt add up correctly.
I met my boyfriend a year ago. He moved into my home 8 months ago due to job loss and I thought we were in love. He has said he wants to marry me, etc, but now I think he's just blowing smoke. He is an ex-alcoholic, three years sober, and is trying to get visitation rights with his two year old son which makes him very angry. He has a temper and often assumes things me, such as my mood..he says hateful things to me. I ask him why if he says he cares about me so much how can he act the way he does? He says and I quote: I am the way I am and I ain't changing, take it or leave it". Mkay...
In the last few months things have gotten downright awful. He makes no attempt at getting a job. Why should he, I have a good job and a home so I realize this. He plays World of Warcraft for 12 hr stretches. He is not affectionate period. He wants back rubs, neck rubs, from sitting at that stupid computer for hours. He wants sex only when he wants it and he never touches me or gives any foreplay, just three minutes and done.
Now. My problem is I am afraid of him. He has never hit me but has thrown things and has said things that make me afraid. Such as the neighbor's dog barks a lot. He has said that one day I'll come home from work and if the dog is dead I'm not to say a word to anybody. He's told me stories from his past of things he did while drunk...an uncle wouldn't let him drive his truck for some reason or other so he told some nasty friends where his uncle's safe was in his house and they broke in and stole a lot of money and guns. He has also keyed cars, has multiple DUI's, has spent a year and a half in jail because of them...How the hell do I get this man out of my house? I cannot get the courage up to even speak to him about it. I've thought of a million ways to say it..I've written letters but can't get the courage up to actually give them to him..
He takes and takes and gives nothing. He is always in a hateful mood and says mean things. I deserve better than this. Would someone please help me? I am on pins and needles around him, never knowing what his mood will be. I'm taking Xanax because of this man. I can't leave because I own my home and I'll be damned if I have to leave! But I am so afraid of him I don't know what to do. Thanks in advance.
When you tell him to leave maybe call the police and explain to whomever you speak to that you're scared of your b/f and would they send out a peace officer while your b/f moves out his belongings.That way if your b/f starts anything the officer will already be there.
thanks for the ideas..I just know I'm going to blindside him with this as I've been too afraid to speak my mind during this whole "relationship". I am 40 and he is 36. I do have my ex-husband, we parted on good terms and still speak daily, who could come over..he is the big burly biker type...he's come over to visit in the past and bf hates him because we used to be married.
Have your ex and a few of his buddies over while you pack his s*** and put it in storage. Change the locks and have someone stay with you for a few days. Where he goes and what he does is HIS problem not yours.
And by all means get a restraining order. That'll keep you from having to evict him.
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