The Outlaws - I need to vent. (dating, wife, father-in-law)

[mrsengle]

Last week, my husband's grandfather passed away. We went out of state for the funeral, and I met my brother-in-law for the first time. I was excited to finally get to meet him, but the whole thing turned into 4 days of high drama.

A little background: My BIL and his parents haven't spoken to each other for about 4 or 5 years. Why, I don't know exactly - neither does my DH. For those 4 or 5 years, my DH was the 'go-between' in their 'silence.' Then, out of the blue, the BIL called his parents and they started chatting again. He invited them over for Thanksgiving (we all live in different states), and wanted us come, too. DH and I were very pleased and excited that they were overcoming their differences and building their relationship, especially since BIL and his wife had two children during the Blackout, and had only included us in the announcements. So, things were looking much better and I was glad to see it.

My expectations were completely blown out of the water, and not in a good way. I don't think my BIL could have been more belligerent if he tried. He was downright condescending to my husband and managed a couple of little snide remarks towards me, out of earshot of my DH. Frankly, I was shocked. When DH and BIL talk on the phone, it goes on for 2+ hours, and they talk like they're best friends. My in-laws just wanted to talk with him and hear all about the grandchildren. DH and I were the 4th and 5th wheels, and couldn't get a word in edge-wise. For the most part, I kept my mouth shut. My BIL is a lieutenant commander in the Navy, had graduated from the Naval Academy, and I was very interested to hear what he had to say about politics, the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, and other world events. I interjected with a story of my own, and he cut me off midway through to inform me that 'Islam is a religion, not a country.' Now, the story that I had to tell was based on a personal experience and it didn't contradict anything he was saying - I just wanted to share. My instinct (or my ego) wanted to go tete-a-tete with him on that. It was very insulting, but we were there for a funeral, and I wasn't going to make waves. My DH had gone to use the restroom, so he didn't witness any of it. I resented the comment, but I also resented being put in the position of not being able to stand up and put the smack down, without it reflecting negatively on my husband.

My in-laws are another animal. I met them shortly after we were engaged, and we got along great. I was so excited that I would have in-laws that liked me, and we would not get into any stereotypical in-law drama. Things were great, until we got married. We were married in Hawaii, and had booked a lu'au for our reception. We got rained out, and had to make last-minute arrangements. For whatever reason, my new in-laws were upset with their son over a misunderstanding over the new arrangements, and couldn't set it aside long enough to break bread with us on our wedding day. I've never really let that go, and I'll never forget the look on my DH's face during the whole meal. My dad talked to them, and they still wouldn't budge. For Christmas of that year, we invited them down (they're a 6-hour drive away). It was stressful, but not altogether unpleasant. Still, this funeral was the first time we have seen them in a year and a half. Oh - and we forgot my MIL's birthday. I remembered the day after her b-day and had some flowers sent and a birthday card overnighted. DH called her, but they didn't return our call for almost 2 months because they were just 'too busy.' My patience for this type of thing has worn really thin. I don't really care what my in-laws think of me, but I do care how all of this affects my husband. He's a good man who treats me like a queen, and I just want to fight for him. I'm no longer a passive observer in this drama, but I don't know how to deal with it without letting it get to me. My frustration inevitably leaves me saying something snarky about his family, and I know that's not right. Of course, the longer it goes on, he gets just as snarky about them. We snark among ourselves, but still. I would feel terrible if he had something ugly to say about my family. It's a hard position to be in, for both of us. My DH made a comment while we were there that kind of got me thinking. He said, 'Have you ever noticed that we're happy until we're around my family?'

So, after this exciting trip, my in-laws want to do a big Christmas get-together, which would also include the SIL and grandchildren. My DH says that if I think his brother is bad, just wait until I meet the SIL. She lived with my DH for 6 months while BIL was at sea. She ran up a $400 phone bill (DH has never been paid back) and didn't help out with so much as cleaning up around the house. After that 6 months, he was ready to wring her neck. I do NOT want to go do this for Christmas. I do NOT want to get snarky about my in-laws, and I don't want to watch my husband be brushed aside (we don't have children - yet). DH doesn't really want to go either. He says if it gets bad, we can just pack up and leave. But even doing that puts us in an awkward position, and I don't want that either. IMHO, there does come a time when you have to stand up and say, enough is enough. But I'm not sure when that time is. When do you say, enough is enough? And how do you do it without getting ugly? How would you deal with this?

Thank you for reading this ridiculously long post. Normally, I wouldn't post anything so personal, but I've been having a recurring nightmare that my husband is going to leave me for his family. How crazy is that?? I was mad at him this morning over that stupid dream, and he didn't even do anything! We laughed about it, but the whole thing has bothered me to the point of actually having dreams about it. Like my psyche is trying to work this out. I think I just need to vent and hear some good advice to churn in my brain.

[Marlow]

If I were you, I'd politely decline the Christmas invitation, especially since your DH doesn't want to go. From what you're saying, there's no reason to believe it will be any different from the last visit and might be worse with the addition of your SIL. And thinking that if it's bad you can just pack up and go isn't really the attitude you want to have on a vacation or during the holidays.

Can you and your DH plan a trip somewhere, call it a second honeymoon and explain it to your in-laws with a smile in your voice? Given their tackiness at your wedding, they'll probably get in a snit about it, but so what? There's really not much you can do about it. You can also send a nice gift basket for when everyone is there with a gushy note wishing them a wonderful holiday. The nicer the basket and gushier the note, the better.

I have a very toxic SIL and during two of the last 4 visits she has made the encounters miserable. I won't go into it here, but ugh, it's ridiculous. I have no problem saying that I doubt we'll ever see her in person again and that's fine with me and my DH. We stay in contact by e-mail and that's close enough.

You all are grown-ups now and you don't have to spend your free time with people who treat you badly.

[MsB23]

OK...I may not be the best one to give you advice on how to deal with family...but maybe I can help somehow.

Why it is that we allow people who are "family" get away with being hurtful, rude & disrespectful? IMO, just because someone is "blood" doesn't mean that they get the right to treat me like crap. How would you deal with this situation if it was a friend, coworker, or neighbor treating you &/or your husband this way?

If you guys do end up having to spend more occasions with his family...

Don't allow them to treat you this way. I think you should call them on their BS. If you can do that without being angry or hostile, that is better...altho, it may be difficult. Stick to objective facts at hand. Try not to be sucked into other people's drama. If someone starts talking crap behind someone's back, politely tell them you're not going to participate & walk away. If someone makes a snide passive-aggressive comment, call them on it. Politely ask them exactly what they meant by that & don't let them off the hook until you're satisfied. Ask them what gave them the idea that they could speak to you in such a disrespectful manner. You may p*ss them off, but I bet after you do that a couple of times, they won't do it so much anymore.

Essentially, be direct, be honest, & don't let these people walk on you because they're "family". If BIL is a rude jerk & cuts you off when you're trying to talk, say "Excuse me, I was still speaking..." & continue on your way.

You may be put in an awkward situation, but aren't you already? Just because y'all haven't said anything about the giant purple gorilla in the room doesn't mean you're not all aware that it's there.

Holding in your anger/resentment is not going to help, all it's going to do is give you ulcers & nightmares. A word of caution, tho, by standing up to them, you may be labeled "high maintenance" or a "b*tch". People usually don't like being called on their BS. But, IMHO, it is better to have people consider me a b*tch for commanding respect than to take crap I don't deserve & end up sick over it. For some tho, it is equally stressful, if not even more so, to be considered a "demanding b*tch"...so that's kinda your call as to what would be preferable.

Always remember...a little common DNA somewhere does NOT give someone the right to treat you or your family like crap, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with insisting that you and your family are treated with respect...especially by family!

This is a tough situation to be in & I really do feel for you! I wish you the very best of luck and I hope you guys can find some peace in your family!!

[MsB23]

Originally Posted by Marlow

You all are grown-ups now and you don't have to spend your free time with people who treat you badly.

This is really a better way to say it... I like the 2nd honeymoon idea, too.

[McGowdog]

Outlaws! That's pretty funny.

It's great when you can get along with the in-laws right off the bat. This is probably a sore spot for most relationships. I think the most important thing for you is to take care of number one always, your relationship with your husband. You do that, then the in-laws should always be on your side. If that's not the case, then that's their problem. What can you really offer them besides being a good wife to your husband, taking care of yourself of course, and offering your friendship to them. If they can't accept that, that's on them, not you.

When I had struggled with friendships with my family or the in-laws, I was given the advice to just show up, be polite, and let them be themselves. If there are jerks in the room, let them do their thing. Don't engage these people because what good is that? At the same time, don't carry the resentment of that because it does you no good. Don't play their game, so to speak. Instead, pray for them or wish them well. They may change in time.

My wife and I got together when we were dating and it was apparent that she had a close and healthy relationship with her folks. I told her-warned her about my family but also let her know that I would always stand by her side. She bashed heads pretty hard with my mom as she saw that my mom can be pretty controlling and co-dependant. Alcohol and late night calls didn't help anything either. My parents have since gotten off the booze and a near death lung-cancer surgery really changed my mom quite a bit. Since then, my wife was able to empathize with her and they have a new relationship now. It's pretty cool. I had a pretty bad bout with drinking early in our marriage and her sister and dad really let me have it. I was able to see my part in that and make ammends and they are some of my best friends.

In any case, I think it takes time.

Good luck with that.

[Rance]

I'd go to the Christmas gathering. Bring homemade chocolate candy. Make it out of exlax. The minute they start any BS, break out the candy and pass it around. Then politely excuse yourself and go home! Make sure you snag all the toilet paper before you leave. Have a nice day!

[nomoresnow]

Rance, I just love you! LOL

mrsengle, believe me, I empathize. Hang in there.

[7th generation]

I "once" had a father-in-law who would belittle me in front of my wife. It infuriated her to the point that she had a long discussion with him and basically said that we would NOT be attending any functions unless he smartened up. That seemed to "ease" his attitude toward me and from then on our relationship was better. Might be time to do something similar or don't go.

[mrsengle]

Thanks for the replies and hearing me out! I really appreciate it.

Marlow - I would LOVE to go on a second honeymoon! I've been bugging my DH about at least taking a nice vacation before we have kids, and we keep putting it off. But I have that feeling we're headed to the in-laws anyway. I'll definitely keep this in mind though - it's a good idea.

MsB23 - your response is my gut reaction to the whole thing. If my family were pulling this crap, I wouldn't hesitate to unleash the smack - even if I thought it would hurt my relationship with them. My marriage comes first. And, we're responsible grown-ups, which means we can do whatever we want! Isn't that what we all looked forward to in our childhood?

McGowdog - your story is inspirational. Makes me feel better! I am the one with the close relationship with my family. As a matter of fact, I had not even unpacked from a trip to see them when we had to head out for the funeral. I couldn't go longer than a year without seeing my family, if I could possibly help it. DH had a more 'Leave It to Beaver' upbringing than I did, and I know that he was (and still is) loved, and I guess that's why I have a hard time understanding all this. It will be interesting to see if the tune changes after we have kids.

Rance - it would have to be pretty bad for me to do something like that. I like to plot revenge myself , but I've never gone through with it. Besides that, my MIL had colon cancer - doing something like that would be really bad for her. My grandmother, on the other hand, has not hesitated to use the Ex-Lax trick. When my mother was in high school, someone kept stealing her lunch, so my grandmother baked a delicious batch of chocolate chip cookies. Her lunch stopped being stolen. Turns out the thief was my dad - before they met. They put two and two together after they got married .

[Town&Country]

Your DH should be standing up for you first, and then everybody else comes after in whatever concending order that is in your family, no matter who it is. MHO