Divorcees - how long should I stay after announcing I want t split up? (girlfriend, married)

[Vintage Sunlight]

It is my opinion that maybe the OP hasn't thought this through. Not divorcing is another possible option, is it not? I'll respond as I see fit.

I didn't realize you were moderating this forum.

[Redisca]

Originally Posted by Union Federal

It is my opinion that maybe the OP hasn't thought this through. Not divorcing is another possible option, is it not? I'll respond as I see fit.

I didn't realize you were moderating this forum.

*Shrug* I'm just curious what led you to believe the OP hasn't thought this through.

[Vintage Sunlight]

Haste, for one. "How long till I can get rid of this guy, 2 weeks, a month?"

Vows, for another. She said her vows, and I believe they state, " in good times and bad, for better or worse, till death do us part." He isn't abusing her or cheating on her, as she stated. Not divorcing, analyzing what the root of the problem is an option that no one wants to look at anymore.

[Redisca]

Originally Posted by Union Federal

Haste, for one. "How long till I can get rid of this guy, 2 weeks, a month?"

That wasn't actually her question. The question is whether you give notice once the decision is made. There is no indication how long it took her to make the decision. Most divorces I've come across are initiated at the end of a very long period of decline in the quality of the marriage. However, once the decision has been made, it makes sense to separate quickly.

Originally Posted by Union Federal

Vows, for another. She said her vows, and I believe they state, " in good times and bad, for better or worse, till death do us part." He isn't abusing her or cheating on her, as she stated. Not divorcing, analyzing what the root of the problem is an option that no one wants to look at anymore.

Ahh, the vows. Notice the vows don't say anything about abuse or cheating, either. So if we take them literally, then you can't divorce for any reason. Yet if you were married, you'd want to leave yourself an out -- right? Contrary to what you are saying, people usually do try to avoid divorce and make many efforts before finally throwing in the towel.

Besides, abuse and cheating aren't the only ways to be a total douche to your spouse. I don't want to speculate about the OP's marriage, but let's talk some hypotheticals here. Imagine you are married and your wife doesn't have sex with you. At all. No physical or psychological reason, just -- not into it. And she doesn't think this is a problem that requires the intervention of a professional and she won't change her mind and she expects you not to have any interest in sex, either. Now, she's not abusing you (at least, not according to the most commonly understood, legal definition of abuse), and she isn't cheating on you. But your marriage sucks. Or, she siphons all the money into the pockets of her children from a previous marriage. Again, no abuse, no cheating -- but there is clearly a breach of marital obligations that furnishes a perfectly good grounds for a divorce. Or, she has a nasty, controlling temper and constantly puts you down. Again, no abuse, no cheating. So, no problem, right? It's curious how other people's marriages always seem so easy, a no-brainer. Just embrace your husband for what he is and stop being so demanding! One's own marriage, however, is always a bit more complicated than that.

[Thursday007]

If either of you actually read the OP's first post it said 'SO' not husband or wife. An SO is not a husband or wife with marriage vows. Maybe we need some clarification of this from the OP.

[Yzette]

Originally Posted by genx

For those who have been through divorce, how far in advance should I tell my SO that I want to leave? 2 weeks? 1 month?

How much time would you have liked to have had before someone left?

Reason for splitting is I'm just out of love - there is no abuse or infidelity. No kids involved.

I want to do it as gently as possible to minimize SO's pain.

You should already have another place to stay, even if it's a hotel. If you're planning on leaving, be prepared to actually leave. There is nothing worse than someone who wants to go and then drags it out by hanging around or taking forever to get his or her crap and go.

[Redisca]

The profile says "female". Also the thread title addresses divorcees.

[Vintage Sunlight]

Originally Posted by Redisca

That wasn't actually her question. The question is whether you give notice once the decision is made. There is no indication how long it took her to make the decision. Most divorces I've come across are initiated at the end of a very long period of decline in the quality of the marriage. However, once the decision has been made, it makes sense to separate quickly.

Ahh, the vows. Notice the vows don't say anything about abuse or cheating, either. So if we take them literally, then you can't divorce for any reason. Yet if you were married, you'd want to leave yourself an out -- right? Contrary to what you are saying, people usually do try to avoid divorce and make many efforts before finally throwing in the towel.

Besides, abuse and cheating aren't the only ways to be a total douche to your spouse. I don't want to speculate about the OP's marriage, but let's talk some hypotheticals here. Imagine you are married and your wife doesn't have sex with you. At all. No physical or psychological reason, just -- not into it. And she doesn't think this is a problem that requires the intervention of a professional and she won't change her mind and she expects you not to have any interest in sex, either. Now, she's not abusing you (at least, not according to the most commonly understood, legal definition of abuse), and she isn't cheating on you. But your marriage sucks. Or, she siphons all the money into the pockets of her children from a previous marriage. Again, no abuse, no cheating -- but there is clearly a breach of marital obligations that furnishes a perfectly good grounds for a divorce. Or, she has a nasty, controlling temper and constantly puts you down. Again, no abuse, no cheating. So, no problem, right? It's curious how other people's marriages always seem so easy, a no-brainer. Just embrace your husband for what he is and stop being so demanding! One's own marriage, however, is always a bit more complicated than that.

Depends on your definition of abuse. Not the clinical definition, but whether or not you feel that you are being abused. Withholding sex, in my opinion, is definitely emotional abuse. Living in a completely sexless marriage, even most religious people would agree, is abusive to the other party (religious people would say this probably because there would be no chance of procreation). Also, someone with a nasty, controlling temper is also abusive, at least by my definition of it.

[Vintage Sunlight]

Originally Posted by Thursday007

If either of you actually read the OP's first post it said 'SO' not husband or wife. An SO is not a husband or wife with marriage vows. Maybe we need some clarification of this from the OP.

That's a good point. You can't divorce a boyfriend.

[Redisca]

Originally Posted by Union Federal

Depends on your definition of abuse. Not the clinical definition, but whether or not you feel that you are being abused. Withholding sex, in my opinion, is definitely emotional abuse. Living in a completely sexless marriage, even most religious people would agree, is abusive to the other party (religious people would say this probably because there would be no chance of procreation). Also, someone with a nasty, controlling temper is also abusive, at least by my definition of it.

Now you are broadening the definition. How do you know that's how the OP used the term? When someone is referred to as an "abusive husband", most people think "violent", not "asexual".