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Wow what a headache this girl is. Does she sound like someone you'd ever go into business with? Does she sound "flexible" to you? What kind of way is it to live by spending time with people who are like this?
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,005,830 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner
A person's character is most visible in stressful, difficult, or tense situations. Whether one keeps one's composure, or whether one breaks; whether one remains honest and keeps one's honor and dignity or chooses to cheat for personal gain in the belief no one will know; when one fights, how one attempts to solve the impasse, etc.
Your girlfriend's anger is justifiable to a big extent, but she's insecure. And this is a fair warning - if she find it acceptable to corner you into begging for her mercy and forgiveness after you've attempted to explain yourself (and I think your explanation is honest and reasonable), you can expect her to do this when there is a future fight.
One of my ex-girlfriends did just this. It hadn't been too long when we had our first and biggest fight, just as in your case. Didn't involve videos - I lost my composure and raised my voice at her in public. "Jane" was livid and wouldn't take my calls for 2 days. When she finally did she would only speak to me at ELEVEN PM, on a weeknight. When we spoke, she was furious and irrational, and would not accept my apologies. She raised her voice, claimed she was embarrassed by my behavior, and used previous incidents regarding my temper as more ammunition (even though those incidents were trivial).
Physically, mentally, and emotionally drained, I finally capitulated, and said, "OK Jane. So you said tonight you don't wanna talk to me again, and you don't want to see me again. Which means, you're dumping me, right?"
Had she said yes, I would've gone to bed in pain, but at least it would've been over, settled, done. But no, Jane said "I don't know" and said she'd call me in a few days.
In other words, after two days of repeated (and ignored) voicemails including groveling apologies and MORE apologies by phone, Jane nonetheless felt entitled to keep me in limbo for AN ENTIRE WEEK.
Jane called me one week later, demanded to know why I'd done what I'd done (I mean - I had lost my composure; a mistake, yes, but what else did she want?), demanded a promise I'd never yell again, and then broke in tears after giving me another chance.
Never mind that when we met again for the first time after the fight she was all lovey-dovey, hugged me, etc. The damage was done. I realized during that one-week separation that if Jane reacted like this to a relatively minor fight, how would she have reacted to a serious fight 6 or 12 months later, or when we were engaged, or worse, married?
I apologize for going off topic (op) but, I see she's your ex so did you break up as a result of this? That was abusive on her part, worse than what she's over-reacting about, imo.
I apologize for going off topic (op) but, I see she's your ex so did you break up as a result of this? That was abusive on her part, worse than what she's over-reacting about, imo.
It was a reason I later broke up with her.
"worse than what she's over-reacting about, imo." do you mean my ex was worse than the current GF of the OP?
Buh-bye to her. At least you were only dating for a few months. If alarms aren't going off in your head about this, then they should be. She is bad news.
Unless, of course, she doesn't mind handing over her laptop, cell phone, and personal records to you immediately upon your request, with no warning, so that you can comb through everything to find something you're equally shocked about. What's fair, is fair. To that point, a snoop, snoops to either validate their suspicions, or to get some additional relationship leverage points. It's a control thing either way, and you don't need that. Trust me.
Now she's texting you about how shocked she is. You reply, she gains control because you keep replying. I think it's time to walk away. You have to be the one to walk away, because she is stringing you along and playing you.
One parting piece of advice: make sure you lock your computer every time you leave it. There are shortcuts to do this, but it's up to you, to do it. A computer is like a wallet. It's not anybody else's, unless it was set up as a shared machine from day one. Even then, a personal account on a computer is just that: Personal.
If she snooped on your computer, what else would she snoop into around your place? I'd be PO'ed that she got on my computer without asking for my permission and I don't see where you owed her any explanation to start with. Next time it could be your wallet, or mail she snoops into.
Ever see that scene in "Top Gun" where all the warning alarms are blaring and the cockpit looks like a christmas tree because of all the blinking caution lights? The pilots then yell "Eject!! Eject!! Eject!!" and get out of the plane as soon as they can.
It's just really frustrating that all of this was so unnecessary and baseless from my point of view. If we end up calling it quits, it will be due to nothing I have done while with her, but entirely due to things that predate her ever entering my life.
Nope, it'll be due to her trust issues and need to use the results of her snooping to play mind games with you. Those happened during the relationship and are ongoing. If she didn't find the video she'd have found another excuse, have no doubt.
Quote:
The gf responded that she had "checked" my text messages after finding the video and confirmed that the last time I had actually texted her was the first week of February.
This isn't the first time she has done things a long these lines. A few weeks ago a facebook post she had made on my wall saying she <3 me disappeared. I told her I didn't erase it, that all her other similarly cutesy posts where still clearly there and perhaps while I was updating a status I may have accidentally deleted something (i use iphone facebook app). Anyways, she had none of it and held it up as a sign that I was somehow embarrassed by her or trying to hide her from "someone" who might be watching my facebook. Again, nevermind that every other similar post she had made was still right there for everyone to see.
She sounds like an emotionally high-maintenance female. She also seems to be very insecure, controlling and nosy.
After only 4 months, she's snooping through your computer and who knows what else - she could have at least waited 6-8 months to start that crap.
She seems like the type who will always be looking for some "betrayal" or "clue" that you are not faithful.
I agree with the poster who said she is looking for you to grovel and beg - but for what exactly?
If I were you, no way would I lower myself to appease her insecurities.
Quote:
One parting piece of advice: make sure you lock your computer every time you leave it. There are shortcuts to do this, but it's up to you, to do it. A computer is like a wallet. It's not anybody else's, unless it was set up as a shared machine from day one. Even then, a personal account on a computer is just that: Personal.
I can guarantee he will get even more grief if he does that. She will immediately want to know what he is "hiding" from her.
Yeh..because you like to film yourselves doing it and I think its gross, trashy and creepy.
I am the one that needs meds. Thats a joke. Actually people who go to extremes to satisfy themselves sexually are the ones who should be on meds. Its a sign of a deeper rooted disturbance. They also tend to not be loyal to partners & choose ones that are not very loyal either.
So how many times have you all dealt with cheating?
What the hell does a couple in a long term relationship who enjoy videoing each other have to do with "cheating"??? Oh yeah, NOTHING
If you want to work things out with her, show up at her house with flowers and take her on a romantic night out. Tell her how sorry you are, how you don't care for your ex, how you deleted the video, etc, etc. That's probably what she wants.
But the fact that she's been this sensitive to everything after 4 months strikes me as her being extremely insecure I think that if you really want to work things out, wait a few days or a week after this romantic/apologetic night out and let her know that while you understand where she's coming from and you want to understand her feelings, she needs to try to understand YOURS as well.
You should let her know that you didn't appreciate her looking through your computer and getting upset over a video from a long time ago - especially one with a person who you very clearly don't have feelings for. Don't be confrontational (although I can understand how you might want to be), just be calm and collected. Make eye contact with her and give her no reason to doubt your sincerity.
And if she keeps doing $hit like this, ditch her.
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I think that if you really want to work things out, wait a few days or a week after this romantic/apologetic night out and let her know that while you understand where she's coming from and you want to understand her feelings, she needs to try to understand YOURS as well.
