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I understand how you feel OP. I get disappointed a lot, especially when it comes to friendships. I think our problem IS the fact that we hold certain expectations, instead of just accepting people for who they are, flaws and all. Although I do have to say that my disappointments don't last too long. I don't dwell on the past friendships. Once they are done, they are done.
Learning how not to expect anything in return and accepting people for who they are is something I'm learning to do right now. I think you should jump on my bandwagon, but for now surround yourself with people who make you happy and get rid off the rest.
Excellent advice. I've learned a lot about myself when it comes to friendships and expectations in recent time. I've cut off a few people, become more distant with others, and made new friends. These new friends, I'm tentatively getting closer to and so far, so good, so we'll see.
@ Funnyman, when I say I expect things, I do not mean material things, it is more along the lines of just be there for me the way I am there for you. The disappointment mostly comes from knowing that people come to me every single day with something new on their plates and I will always be there with words of advice or a shoulder to lean on, but heaven forbid I need a ear or a helping hand, I am left to stand alone. How can I expect nothing from people I am always there for?
You will continue to be disappointed until you change your expectations. Very few people believe in giving what they expect from others - so just because you give of yourself, your time/ear/shoulder/compassion, don't expect it of anyone else. People just don't. And when you find the one who does, you will be so pleased and pleasantly surprised. I live by that - while I am willing to go out of my way a few times for someone, I don't expect a payback. I give of myself because that's who and what I am. I am usually not disappointed because I don't expect anything.
I don't expect others to share my morality, I don't expect others to put themselves out to donate or to even help me with my donating, I don't expect others to appreciate when I donate to their favorite charity/project. I do it because it's what *I* do. When I have a favorite charity, I give it all I've got and every now and then one of those people I did a favor for comes along and helps me with MY project - Wow! So unexpected and therefore so totally appreciated!
I sometimes have a hard time with these 2 opposing concepts by which I live:
1. Expect nothing from others
2. People live up to your expectations so raise the bar.
There's a third one that falls in there and perhaps that's how I don't make myself crazy with the first 2 - the third is: Lead/teach by example.
So if you're feeling disappointed in/with people, let them off the hook. It's really your problem. They didn't promise you anything, you expected more than they have to give is all.
After reading all these respones I feel like I am not so alone in how I have been feeling. I will not change my giving nature or purposely make myself unavailable when someone needs me, because if I did any of these things I feel like I would be taking away the essence of me. I think that my biggest feat right now is to say NO and not care. Like so many of you have said my expectations are a little to high and maybe it is better for me to let a person know when they are asking for something (any thing at all) the reason I am choosing to say no, that way maybe I will not feel like I am handing them a premediatated no.
Having no expectations is hard, but feeling like ish has got to be worse.
After reading all these respones I feel like I am not so alone in how I have been feeling. I will not change my giving nature or purposely make myself unavailable when someone needs me, because if I did any of these things I feel like I would be taking away the essence of me. I think that my biggest feat right now is to say NO and not care. Like so many of you have said my expectations are a little to high and maybe it is better for me to let a person know when they are asking for something (any thing at all) the reason I am choosing to say no, that way maybe I will not feel like I am handing them a premediatated no.
Having no expectations is hard, but feeling like ish has got to be worse.
Well, I wanted to respond to the "@ funnyman" a few pages back but it seems it has been answered a few times.
Listen, I am quite a bit like you. I am willing to help out. If something falls I bend over to pick it up for someone. It's my nature. The other day I dropped something and a guy was right there next to me and I continued for a few seconds with what I was doing to see if he would pick it up for me....na da. So, the majority of people really don't care to help anyone else out.
I have been catering to people's needs and am sick of it. Picking up things and helping get things for them. I don't now. Get it yourself. I have changed. It helps to get them to realize I'm not a slave or anything. They come to realize it's selfish for them to demand someone else to get something for them.
You can still be you but take control. Watch the movie 27 dresses. It's kinda on those lines. The boss says something like, "I like you cause you never say no." Sometimes in life we must say no.
When it comes to personal relationships (friends, family, S/O) is it so bad that I have certain expectations for people? Not high over the top expectations, but certain standards. I tend to find myself disappointed time and time again by people and my feelings end up being hurt, but is it really my fault? I live my life and treat people the way I want to be treated, so what is so wrong with me expecting people to do the same? Maybe I should just start telling people a firm NO and not feel bad when I do.
Sorry, guess I am just thinking/typing out loud
No, I totally understand where you're coming from. There's nothing worse than putting in way more than you end up getting back. I personally hold my friends to a much higher standard than anyone I would ever date because as you know relationships come and go but TRUE friends are priceless. I definitely hold grudges, but I do tend to forgive friends as long as the infraction doesn't fall under the "betrayal" umbrella. In that case, I have no problem cutting ties no matter how tenured the friendship. Keep treating people the way you prefer to be treated, if you don't get it back- move on!
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