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Old 05-28-2010, 09:43 AM
 
23 posts, read 77,984 times
Reputation: 15

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So here I am a man at 44 never married, no children. I was in a long term relationship for way too long with a woman who couldn't physically or emotionally have children. At the time I started dating her I had no thoughts of children. By age 32 I started having feelings about wanting a family yet stuck with her a few more years. So a late bloomer on even thoughts of children to begin with. I eventually had to end it for many reasons.

At age 39 I met another woman that did want to have kids and we had the same values on raising kids, religion, same sense of humor and similar love of movies, music etc. That went on and off for 5 years until it ended 6 months ago. I won't bore you with the details but it had nothing to do with me. She needed to be active in the bdsm community to the extreme and by all accounts cheated on me doing it when we were a couple after telling me continuously over the years this was part of her past. It had to be a lifestyle for her not just a few fun and games in the bedroom and no way I could give her that. So that was a really hard breakup.

I guess I am really torn about this. At 44 I can still have kids but it has always been hard to meet people and I am feeling really old right now and regretting past decisions. I have decided to try online dating. Eharmony and just joined okcupid to see what happens.

I do get views from women in their 40's and part of me thinks to myself, are kids so important when I could meet someone that I can hopefully have a good relationship with? I am really torn right now. Should I change my profile to be open to women my age and forget about kids? Should I still spend time trying to contact women 33-40 who could still have kids?

I can do both but I will always have the "what if" if I never have children. I had thought about the Big Brother program as a way to mentor boys and at least experience doing something positive/for kids. But worried about that nowadays. I have never really been around kids too. My sister and uncle the only ones with young kids in my family moved far away so I never grew up with them and my friends had kids long after we stopped being friends.

So I do think some sort of programs where I could be involved with kids would bring some satisfaction to me but I am really at a loss of how to find them plus my total lack of experience with children is pretty daunting.

Any advice? Hopefully more positive than "give it up dude".
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Old 05-28-2010, 09:48 AM
 
Location: Cumberland Co., TN
23,260 posts, read 22,517,799 times
Reputation: 22625
What about adoption?
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Old 05-28-2010, 09:52 AM
 
Location: the good ol' USA where freedom rings
213 posts, read 376,827 times
Reputation: 275
You're still young enough that you can have kids. Just find a 20-30 something fertile lady. Men marry younger all the time. I think its possible for you to find a compatible young lady as long as you have something to offer them - stability, financial security, housing, etc. If you don't mind not having your own biological children, then you can date older women 30-44 who already have children or you can consider adoption. But if you want your own biological kids then focus your efforts on meeting under 35 for the best chances of procreation.
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Old 05-28-2010, 09:54 AM
 
23 posts, read 77,984 times
Reputation: 15
While I certainly would prefer biological children I guess if my reason for children is more to make a difference in their lives, teach them right from wrong, show them new hobbies and enjoy life...then why would biological matter to me?

So I guess it is a real good point that if we were in our 40's and both never had children but wanted to we could adopt. Never really gave this too much thought really but a real possibility. Can't imagine how to come up with what I assume is $20k up front to adopt though.
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Old 05-28-2010, 09:55 AM
 
Location: the good ol' USA where freedom rings
213 posts, read 376,827 times
Reputation: 275
If you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to make it happen. There are some places that offer loans for that kind of thing.
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Old 05-28-2010, 09:59 AM
 
Location: Cumberland Co., TN
23,260 posts, read 22,517,799 times
Reputation: 22625
You have a point about the cost. I have never look into adoptions but perhaps setting something up with a pregnant individual or using a surrogate would be cheaper. I dont know. You are still young enough that finding someone in their 30's wouldnt be too difficult. But then many women mid 30's already have kids or dont want them or cant have them.
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Old 05-28-2010, 10:08 AM
 
2,707 posts, read 5,486,925 times
Reputation: 5559
Quote:
Originally Posted by Around The Dial View Post
While I certainly would prefer biological children I guess if my reason for children is more to make a difference in their lives, teach them right from wrong, show them new hobbies and enjoy life...then why would biological matter to me?
Become a Big Brother. Volunteer at your local school.
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Old 05-28-2010, 10:13 AM
 
1,785 posts, read 3,074,129 times
Reputation: 3078
I agree with Genx. The beauty of being a man is that you can father children way past a woman's "sell by date". You have come through a hard break-up. It's time to get back in the dating pool, and to target your search on a young woman who wants to be a mother as badly as you want to be a father.

Seriously, my friend. It's not too late for you - and adoption does not have to be your only option.
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Old 05-28-2010, 10:15 AM
 
4,899 posts, read 16,829,944 times
Reputation: 3826
you are only 44! and maybe you should mention in your dating profile that you would really love to have children. there are PLENTY of women out there in their 30's just waiting for someone who can make a commitment and wants kids!
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Old 05-28-2010, 10:16 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
6,778 posts, read 12,070,764 times
Reputation: 6531
My husband is older than you and I'm 31.
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