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How do you think that has shaped your view on relationships/marriage today? Do you think it has had a negative impact on how you handle your relationships? No effect, or even positive?
For me personally, I feel that my parent's divorce has had an exceedingly negative impact on how I handle my relationships. I wish my parents would have had worked harder on their marriage to make it work, to set a good example, at least until my brother and I had grown up. Introduce stepparents, half-siblings, etc., this really put my brother and I in the middle of a very confusing place, feeling unsure of where we belonged in the world.
I am afraid of relationships and opening my heart to people, because I associate it with heartbreak and disappointment rather than something that can be beautiful and fulfilling. I am not an easy person to get to know, and I know that is a defense mechanism. I need to overcome this problem myself, however...I can't blame my parents for everything!
But anyway, I just wanted to hear some thoughts about what others think/feel about growing up in a divorced family...
I grew up in a broken home, several times, in the same houeshold, and I turned out alright.
I also grew up with a step brother and sister, and learned to accept it as "it is."
I can relate to not opening my heart to people, and also not an easy person to "get to know" but I don`t blame it on my parents. I am the type of person to not put blame on anyone, I deal with it, in my way.
You live, learn, accept, forgive, and move on!
Last edited by yankeegirl313; 05-29-2010 at 08:35 PM..
While I like Spinx and Lovesmountains, I think they're missing what the OP is trying to say, I don't think she's trying to use bad childhood as a crutch, I think she's merely trying to find out if it has affected others in a fashion similar to her.
I grew up in a broken home, several times, in the same houeshold, and I turned out alright.
I also grew up with a step brother and sister, and learned to accept it as "it is."
I can relate to not opening my heart to people, and also not an easy person to "get to know" but I don`t blame it on my parents. I am the type of person to not put blame on anyone, I deal with it, in my way.
You live, learn, accept, forgive, and move on!
I never think of myself as a kid from a "broken home". My home life actually got "fixed" after my parents divorced.
I went on to have 8 step-siblings and a new half brother and half sister - all of whom added richly to my life in one way or another. Now, were we happy like the Brady Bunch?? Absolutely not, lol. It was a process and an opportunity for growth for all of us however.
Of the whole bunch of us there is only one of my step-sisters who just refused to do anything but be a victim though. She was daddy's little girl and just would not allow herself to move on from her parents divorce. This lead to numerous personal problems and a generally unhappy adult life. I have always felt very sad for her, but playing the victim was her choice, one I'm sorry she chose to make.
I never think of myself as a kid from a "broken home". My home life actually got "fixed" after my parents divorced.
I went on to have 8 step-siblings and a new half brother and half sister - all of whom added richly to my life in one way or another. Now, were we happy like the Brady Bunch?? Absolutely not, lol. It was a process and an opportunity for growth for all of us however.
Of the whole bunch of us there is only one of my step-sisters who just refused to do anything but be a victim though. She was daddy's little girl and just would not allow herself to move on from her parents divorce. This lead to numerous personal problems and a generally unhappy adult life. I have always felt very sad for her, but playing the victim was her choice, one I'm sorry she chose to make.
Yep! This is a fine example of "what you make your life."
Yes, it absolutely does have an impact. An "intact" family is only as strong as the husband and wife's determination to create a peaceful loving home for their kids and each other. Intact families can be just as troubled as ones from a broken home, as far as I can see. Children are pressured to divide their loyalties, tension and hostility hang in the air like a fog. Verbal and even physical violence is present. Yes, it does foster a mistrust of the oppposite sex. Often there is hope for children in these situations because the parents have taught a "negative example" in other words, they have modeled for their children how NOT to have a relationship!
Parents stayed together, but it was like living in the middle of two warring armies. It never occurred to me to pray for them to get a divorce. My prayer was to be able to endure until I turned 18, and could move out.
How do you think that has shaped your view on relationships/marriage today? Do you think it has had a negative impact on how you handle your relationships? No effect, or even positive?
For me personally, I feel that my parent's divorce has had an exceedingly negative impact on how I handle my relationships. I wish my parents would have had worked harder on their marriage to make it work, to set a good example, at least until my brother and I had grown up. Introduce stepparents, half-siblings, etc., this really put my brother and I in the middle of a very confusing place, feeling unsure of where we belonged in the world.
I am afraid of relationships and opening my heart to people, because I associate it with heartbreak and disappointment rather than something that can be beautiful and fulfilling. I am not an easy person to get to know, and I know that is a defense mechanism. I need to overcome this problem myself, however...I can't blame my parents for everything!
But anyway, I just wanted to hear some thoughts about what others think/feel about growing up in a divorced family...
At first I held out hope they might get back together and desperately wanted a good example to follow. Then I slowly got to see each parent's flaws and saw why they should never have gotten together in the first place. Their divorce did not hinder my desire to create a great relationship. Their abusiveness certainly did though! I was very reluctant to get too emotionally involved and held my exes at arm's length or purposely picked people I couldn't fall for. I also didn't want to rely on a mate because in my family the moment you rely on someone is the moment they use you as an emotional crutch/whipping boy. So, I can see your point but there's hope! You can learn how to trust again and how to create a healthy loving relationship step by step. See a therapist or google "learn intimacy" and it will make a huge difference.
The worst part of it for me was being left at the mercy of abusive older female siblings. With 4 females in the house I heard a lot of man bashing and I was phisically and verbally abused. This was 1964 on. We didn't have the insights we do today as to what this can do to a child.
I certainly don't blame all of my problems on being from a broken home.
But the upbringing I had was most definitly an obstacle.
But I also think it made me stronger. I became a snowbird at age 46 and have been one since. So, financially I've done well.
The job I have (going into people's homes on a professional basis) has taught me there are a LOT of issues out there and a lot of unhappy unions. People who try to front outwardly are often the most unhappy. The ones who allow themselves to be unhappy and not try to mask it are more apt to overcome and get to the root of the problem.
I'm often overjoyed to go home to an empty house, empty of drama and problems. I don't envy married people in the least. But would like a companion. But it won't be the end of the world if that doesn't happen. I often meet prospects, but I'm old enough to know what will work and what never will (for me)...
I know very well what I DON'T want my relationship to be like. I think that's the best thing it did for me. I didn't have a "dad" until I was in 3rd grade and my mom got married to my horrible ex-stepdad (she divorced him when I was 17). I don't feel that my life or who I am would have been any better had I had a dad. I guess it would be good to have another good role model, but specifically a dad, for some reason, I just don't feel I need(ed).
My parents were divorced when I was 4, so I don't remember much from that time. But since the divorce, I've been caught in a whirlwind of their insults for one another that I really thought would have stopped 16 years later. Not a single day goes by that I don't hear a complaint from one about the other, for the past SIXTEEN YEARS. It's like they're trying to get back at each other by arguing to my brother and I, which has made both of us quite resentful.
My mom says that my father hid money from her, made her work a part-time job to pay for diapers/food/etc for my brother and I, and wouldn't ever watch us. If he was off of work and watching the game, my mom would have to hire a babysitter to watch us while she went to work.
That being said, my mom is extremely dramatic. I'm not sure how much of her story to believe, especially when she's had more than enough of a 'revenge'. She received child support from him and now, even though he's unemployed, he still gives her money and helps her around her house frequently.
She always placed a very high importance on having a man, which I feel has had a poor impact on my dating life. I have a boyfriend who I love very much, but I feel like I would be absolutely lost without him. I hate feeling that way, and am just now realizing that I need to work on MY life once in a while instead of only OURS. It bothers me that my mother starting talked with me about her dating problems when I was very young and drilled it into my head that being single = being miserable.
In addition, seeing her drift from relationship to relationship has made it difficult for me to trust people in my own relationships, because I'm used to people constantly coming and going in my life. Her own instablity also caused some of those feelings, though.
It's EASY to be cynical about love and marriage. Having faith is harder. Our lives are what we make of it. My mother has been married 3 times & divorced 3 times. I had two different abusive stepfathers and an absentee biological father. Do I want what my mother had? No. Never. I refuse to put my yet to be born children through anything like me and my 3 siblings were put through. I choose to learn from other peoples' mistakes. Pick the right partner and make sure they want the same things as you do out of life and everything will work out as long as you both try to make each other happy. For me divorce is not an option.
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I was very reluctant to get too emotionally involved and held my exes at arm's length or purposely picked people I couldn't fall for. I also didn't want to rely on a mate because in my family the moment you rely on someone is the moment they use you as an emotional crutch/whipping boy. So, I can see your point but there's hope! You can learn how to trust again and how to create a healthy loving relationship step by step. See a therapist or google "learn intimacy" and it will make a huge difference.
Not a single day goes by that I don't hear a complaint from one about the other, for the past SIXTEEN YEARS. 
It's like they're trying to get back at each other by arguing to my brother and I, which has made both of us quite resentful.
