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Old 06-23-2007, 05:52 PM
 
Location: Between Here and There
3,684 posts, read 8,326,363 times
Reputation: 1602
Quote:
Originally Posted by MontanaGuy View Post
irishmom wrote:

That seems to be what you and Alpha are saying but I really don't agree with that. It's actually very common for a husband to cheat on a wife who's doing everything she can to be a good wife and who often doesn't have a clue that he's cheating on her and is just a low life who's just interested in his own sexual adventures. It's wrong to blame her in those circumstances. Why should she be taking half the blame when she's been living her life for her husband?
I'm not saying there aren't the occaisional "dogs" out there...but in my own instance I have had a great marriage for 15 years, and I think this is the case for many out there, that for one of us to cheat there would have to have been some change or breakdown in communication for the change to occur. Once you are married you will see that you can not live your life in a vacuum, you may choose denial but you will know when things aren't right. If you ignore the early signs then you are destined for bigger troubles, and both people have that responsibility not just the one who stepped out.
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Old 06-23-2007, 05:58 PM
 
743 posts, read 1,529,741 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by irishmom View Post
I'm not saying there aren't the occaisional "dogs" out there...but in my own instance I have had a great marriage for 15 years, and I think this is the case for many out there, that for one of us to cheat there would have to have been some change or breakdown in communication for the change to occur. Once you are married you will see that you can not live your life in a vacuum, you may choose denial but you will know when things aren't right. If you ignore the early signs then you are destined for bigger troubles, and both people have that responsibility not just the one who stepped out.
Well said....exactly what I was going to say (and I can't even give rep points to you yet.....geez...)
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Old 06-23-2007, 06:10 PM
 
Location: Somewhere along the path to where I'd like to be.
2,181 posts, read 3,729,680 times
Reputation: 789
Boy, I don't know who to side with. [img]http://******************/confused-smiley-17430.gif[/img]

I totally understand what Montana is saying, and I also agree with Alpha and others who say there must be some reason why one or the other is cheating and that the problem needs to be addressed so that healing and forgiveness can take place.

I just know that for me, personally, there is a certain "something" there that makes your heart go pitter-patter when you're with the one you're in love with. It is that special essence which bonds you to them, and an affair would be something so emotionally crushing, that it would probably shatter that essence for me, to the point that I would never be able to be close them again.

I mean, that person's private parts and secret part of their heart and inner being are for YOU only, and if they shared them with someone else, that would be like a hot knife right through your heart. It would, essentially, sever the deep inner connection you had with that person.
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Old 06-23-2007, 06:52 PM
 
Location: NJ
279 posts, read 942,551 times
Reputation: 124
For me it's not based on my religious beliefs, but more about how society would view me if I got divorced. It's not really acceptable in our culture. That being said, I always said that I would never forgive my husband if he ever cheated me. However, now that I have a child, I feel like I would need to look at the whole picture rather than just looking at one incident. I like to think that I would forgive him and attempt to save my marriage. I think the previous posts were right in that you need to go into marriage with the mindset that divorce isn't an option. There have been too many people I have spoken to who have said to me "oh, if you guys don't get along, then just get a divorce..that's what it's there for." For me, MG, it's people like that who really should think twice before getting married.
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Old 06-23-2007, 06:53 PM
 
Location: Atlanta
218 posts, read 400,400 times
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I know this is addressed to the Christians on this forum, but I'm very interested in this thread. No one who has cheated or been cheated on has posted as yet. Much of what you say is right on target - taking divorce off the table, something was inherently wrong, shouldn't have gotten married in the first place, try to work it out at all costs, betrayal. I will say you just can't know a situation until you're put into it. I'm really interested in hearing from Christians married to Christians who cheated. I hope someone comes forward and shares his or her experiences. BTW, I was married to a self-proclaimed Christian, wasn't young when I married, wasn't married for a short period of time, and wasn't the one who cheated. You may be thinking fool, what did you do wrong, but I say, walk in my shoes first.
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Old 06-23-2007, 06:57 PM
 
Location: Plano, Texas
8,640 posts, read 14,438,729 times
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Yes, but don't tell my husband I said this!

I have to go out to eat now but I'll say more later!
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Old 06-23-2007, 07:15 PM
 
12,382 posts, read 14,682,194 times
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I have been cheated on, and yes, I took him back. Blue forgives a lot but has a problem with forgetting. Yes he was and still is a christian..Mental abuse is just as horrible as physical abuse, except the scars are on the inside where you can't see them. I was afraid he was headed to his hell, because he was living with a married woman. He walked out on me with everything except the house . I was 58 years old, lived 25 miles from town, no car, no money ,and was taking care of five grandchildren Our children were starting to hate him. To me ,family is the most important thing God ever gave me and I wanted to try to make everything right. I did...Pssst... he is so grateful for me now that I get anything I want, and the children have come to love their Dad.
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Old 06-23-2007, 07:16 PM
 
Location: Florida
7,250 posts, read 6,538,876 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jazzedforhim View Post
Yes, I could forgive. How could I not after all Jesus has forgiven me? Would it be easy? NO! It would be a process, but I could forgive.
I could not have said it better. Good post, Jazzed.
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Old 06-23-2007, 09:07 PM
 
Location: Plano, Texas
8,640 posts, read 14,438,729 times
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[quote=MontanaGuy;938949]irishmom wrote:

That seems to be what you and Alpha are saying but I really don't agree with that. It's actually very common for a husband to cheat on a wife who's doing everything she can to be a good wife and who often doesn't have a clue that he's cheating on her and is just a low life who's just interested in his own sexual adventures. It's wrong to blame her in those circumstances. Why should she be taking half the blame when she's been living her life for her husband?[/QUOTE




There's a lot of facets to this topic. You started a "hot potato" thread this time, Montana! You guys have already posted a lot of wisdom here.

First of all, as I posted briefly earlier, yes, I would indeed forgive my husband if this occurred. However, as dreameyes said it also depends on repentance. Obviously, if someone is unrepentant, there's not much you can do to save the marriage. Sure, you can still forgive them in the sense of releasing anger and bitterness. But if they refuse to repent and work on the marriage, it 's pretty much over IMO. I would also say someone that repeats this pattern over and over may fall in this category too. After awhile what can you do?

I quoted MG here because he and I are actually in agreement here in the respect that I DON'T always believe that both parties are at fault when adultery is involved. I think often there is some lack that has contributed to the situation, sure. And as someone pointed out, with some people it's just a character flaw or a lack of integrity.

I think there is indeed, though a third scenario and I think this is what happens sometimes in the body of Christ-I think sometimes people "fall" into situations (sometimes even through ministry situations) in which they become emotionally involved with someone else and things progress from there... to places they never intended the relationship to go. That's why it is prudent even if you are very committed to your marriage and to the Lord and think you could never be tempted in this way, to guard your heart and observe fairly tight boundaries in your friendships with the opposite sex.

Again, personally, though, MG, it goes beyond my ability to forgive or not. I've been married a long, long time and I really love my husband. Frankly, I just wouldn't be willing to give up on our love and our relationship that easily.
And his committing adultery wouldn't make me stop loving him.

BTW, irishmom, I loved your "phonebook directory opened to attorneys trick!"
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Old 06-24-2007, 10:50 AM
 
Location: Plano, Texas
8,640 posts, read 14,438,729 times
Reputation: 21128
Quote:
Originally Posted by blue62 View Post
I have been cheated on, and yes, I took him back. Blue forgives a lot but has a problem with forgetting. Yes he was and still is a christian..Mental abuse is just as horrible as physical abuse, except the scars are on the inside where you can't see them. I was afraid he was headed to his hell, because he was living with a married woman. He walked out on me with everything except the house . I was 58 years old, lived 25 miles from town, no car, no money ,and was taking care of five grandchildren Our children were starting to hate him. To me ,family is the most important thing God ever gave me and I wanted to try to make everything right. I did...Pssst... he is so grateful for me now that I get anything I want, and the children have come to love their Dad.
Sounds like you made the right choice, Blue. Even though Jesus did "allow" divorce in the case of adultery, my personal opinion is that His first choice would be reconciliation and restoration when it's possible. Thanks for sharing your story.
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