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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local church. When the invitation was given at
the end of the service, she went forward wanting to become a member. The pastor listened as she told
him how she had accepted Jesus and wanted to be baptized and become a member of the church.
The pastor thought to himself, "oh my, she is so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails are
not clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets - what would the members think of her." He told her that
she needed to go home and pray about it and then decide.
The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor that she had prayed about it and still
wanted to be baptized. "I have passed this church for so long. It is so beautiful, and I truly want to
become a member."
Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more. A few weeks later while out eating at the
restaurant, the pastor saw the little old lady. He did not want her to think that he was ignoring her so he
approached her and said, "I have not seen you for a while. Is everything all right?"
"Oh, yes," she said. "I talked with Jesus, and he told me not to worry about becoming a member of
your church."
"He did?" said the pastor.
"Oh, yes" she replied. "He said even He hasn't been able to get into your church yet, and He's been
trying for years."
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to
Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same
question: "When you are in your casket, and friends
and family are mourning over you, what would you like
to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to
hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of
my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was
a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a
huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I guess
I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!"
An Evangelist preacher, a Jewish Rabbi and an athiest were on a boat in the middle of a lake fishing. It was getting close to the end of the day so they decided to go back to shore. The Evangelist steered the boat and parked it about 200 feet away from the shore, stepped out and walked on the water to the shore. The Jewish Rabbi also stepped out and did the same thing. The athiest saw this and was amazed and thought "Wow! There must be some truth to this Jesus walking on water bit!", so he stepped out of the boat and immediately sank into the lake. He managed to get back up to the surface and into the boat, and tried it again, and the same thing happened, he nearly drowned. Watching him try to walk on water several times from the shore and fail, the Jewish Rabbi looked at the Evangelist and aksed "Should we tell him where those rocks are?"
A young preacher in the backwoods of Kentucky gets his first funeral..He is given a few directioms to get there and is told that it will be a graveside service. The young man searches frantically for the location and finally finds it..Alas, he is late, the mourners have left and the four grave diggers are commencing to fill the grave with a small backhoe..The young preacher frantically runs to the edge of the grave and waves his bible at the grave diggers who stop their work..The preacher sees that concrete crypt has just been placed over the casket so he is inclined to go ahead with his sermon before the grave is filled in..Minutes into his sermon the gravediggers become excited and filled with the spirit and in their Old Reg.Baptist way commence to give amens, tell it like it is and occasionally shake hands and slap each other on the backs..The young preacher is spurred on with their enthusiasm and commences preaching from Genesis through Pauls jouurnies through revelations, as he continues to hear the enthusiastic outbreaks from his captive audience..Finally it is finished and as the young preacher leaves the gravesite, the four men look at each other, shake their heads and one says, "30 year I've been settin septic tanks, and never seen the likes of that!!"
In a 1st grade class room, it was Show and Tell day. The teacher picked 3 boys to stand up and present their objects to the class.
The first boy stood up and said "Hi, My name is Abram, I'm Jewish and this is a Matzaball!"
The second boy got up and said "Hi, my name is Johnny and I'm Catholic, this is a Crucifix!"
Finally the third boy got up and said "Hi, My name is Billy and I am Baptist, and this is a casserole!"
It was obvious the old pastor was having trouble keeping everything in order mentally. One Sunday he told the story of Jesus feeding 5 people with 2 loaves and 5000 fish. The next Sunday, forgetting what he had preached on the week before, he told the story of Jesus feeding 5000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish. Little Johnnie jumped up in the back of the church and proudly proclaimed, "That shouldn't be a problem. He had enough left over from last week."
Thanks for bringing this back, blue. It is nice to laugh...
THE IRISH BROTHEL
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly
across the street from a ***** house.
They witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about, then ducking into the
house.
"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those
Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!". They
both shook their heads and continued working.
A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously
and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking.
"Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing
holy to those Jewish Rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is
coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the
flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!".
Not much later a third man, a Catholic Priest, was lurking about the
house, looking around to see if any one was watching, then quietly
sneaking in.
"Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap, "One of the poor girls
musta died."
It's In The Bible
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS"
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
they drove a honda..according to acts..
its says they were all in one accord
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An Old Thread worth bringing up
