Question for gay men married to straight women (worship, faith, Christian)

[satanoid]

Ok, I guess I missed that.
There is also no shortage of 'emotionally crippled' heterosexuals out there who seem out validation in relationships.

[_redbird_]

I have a friend who is gay. He was happily married for 40 years and rasied two daughters, before his wife passed away from illness.

He has told me that he NEVER once cheated on his wife. That is commitment. I believe there are a great many men who may harbor some gay/bi attractions. But each man is an individual and you cannot predict the outcome.

I also believe most men fall somewhere on the gay/straight continuum. It IS possible to be gay and love a woman and have a successful marriage. Isn't hoosier a good example?

I think you are really stressing about this. I agree with other posters who state you and your husband need to hightail it to a counselor. A GOOD marriage counselor, not just some well-meaning church friend. And hopefully not some homophobic counselor.

Good luck with your marriage.

[akm4]

Here's my 2 cents' worth- don't you deserve a husband who desires you with his whole heart? Not just one who manages to resist his true attractions?

Wouldn't you love to wake up next to a man who can't get enough of you?

I guess I just want you to want something better for yourself. I have no doubt that he loves you, but that's not everything, is it?

Let me ask you this- is there any way you could force yourself to be sexually attracted to a woman? For the rest of your life? Solely to conform to your religion and "fit in"?

I truly wish you both well. This can't be easy for you.

[antredd]

Originally Posted by akm4

Here's my 2 cents' worth- don't you deserve a husband who desires you with his whole heart? Not just one who manages to resist his true attractions?

Wouldn't you love to wake up next to a man who can't get enough of you?

I guess I just want you to want something better for yourself. I have no doubt that he loves you, but that's not everything, is it?

Let me ask you this- is there any way you could force yourself to be sexually attracted to a woman? For the rest of your life? Solely to conform to your religion and "fit in"?

I truly wish you both well. This can't be easy for you.

If the gay man is conforming to his religion (but I rather say God) to fit in and is struggling with his attraction to men, but wants to serve his God by doing right by getting married to a women, then I have respect for him for several reasons:

1.He knows that fornication is wrong and that any sex outside of a heterosexual marriage means that he is commiting sin.

2. Instead of him being carnal by giving in the the lust of his flesh and his sexual urge to be with a man, he has denied himself, taking up his cross to serve God by being a living sacrifice.

3. Because if he is a fornicator, idolater, adulterer, thief, covetor, drunkard, revilers, or extortioner, he understands that he no longer can engage in those sins if he wants to inherit the kingdom of God.

Marriage is no fairy tale. It would be nice to have a mate that ONLY lusts after you and ONLY desires to be with you. But unfortunately with sex thrown at many men on billboards and throuth the media, for some men the temptation to stray will and does happen. Marriage takes hard work, and when someone picks a mate out of selfishness to hide or mask his or her sexuality because that person doesn't want to be outed, then that person is deceiving him or herself. Just as much as a person marrying someone for money or security over truely loving that person is equally selfish and wrong.

[grew-up-3rd-culture]

Originally Posted by satanoid

Are you saying all gay men are emotionally crippled? That seems like a grossly misinformed view.

Here's the first part of my sentence you intentionally left out, and instead you only used the second half of my sentence: "In some cases not all, and this isn't directed specifically at your husband,..."

Cheers!

[happyhappyjoyjoy]

Surfer girl, I am gay and was involved in relationships with women. They questioned me constantly because I would'nt do guy things like perform oral sex on these women. Basically, through my "fem" actions and disinterest in women, they dropped me when I either fessed up or didn't make straight answers. I too, like your husband, was never a cheater or didn't pursue men when involved with these ladies. However, they made me realize who I am and not to torture myself in these unwanted relationships. Only your husband knows if he can continue this and I believe he is the exception and can remain happily married to you. GODSPEED AND MANY MORE HAPPY YEARS TOGETHER!

[Tzaphkiel]

The men I've known who tried to go straight after being gay were either uncomfortable with their own sexuality and felt much shame so tried to deny it; or were pressured into it by a religion or their own spiritual beliefs and it was a way for them to reconcile it; or were trying to please someone else, their family or wife or society. One gay man I knew got into a marriage of convenience for appearnaces at business, he was in a very conservative profession. He choose to marry a gay woman who sought a similar situation for appearances.

The men I've know who enjoy sex with men don't "get over it" ever. They may deny it or run from it or lie about it. But it doesn't "go away" and they don't get "cured" and it's not about finding "the woman who is womanly enough" to satisfy him. It could be he is bisexual and not ready to confront that or deal with it. At some level he is not wanting to deal with this part of himself.

[Tzaphkiel]

Originally Posted by satanoid

In the vast majority of cases, there is no such thing as 'formerly gay'.

People can force themselves to do all kinds of things, but it never changes who they truly are.

No amount of praying can overcome biology.

Please understand, I have no doubts that you love each other, but his desire for love and sex with men will never disappear.

This is a great post. Whether someone is straight, gay or bi, a person doesn't get to "pick" their orientation. And man or woman, a person is not happy in relationship and in life unless and until they are at home with who they are and able to live an authentic life.

I have watched my son struggle with this, it's been apparent to me since he was small that he is gay, my gaydar is intact and many people over the decades have agreed with me. But he is not willing to accept that yet or face it. It's his life, his path. As a mom I just want him to know that I love him no matter who he chooses to be with and I just want for him his own happiness. I also tell him that to be genuine and authentic with his feelings and his desires is a great gift of happiness to himself and to the world.

[Tzaphkiel]

As far as the religion thing goes, in my experience it is far harder for someone to come to terms with their gay or bi orientation if they are also deeply committed to a religion such as Christianity that is condemning about homsexuality. I self-identified as a gay person for 10 years and was deeply attracted to a woman in her late 30s. She shared openly about her love of Jesus, and how tortured she was about her sexuality since being a young girl she was aware she was attracted to women. Her first and foremost commitment was to her Southern Baptist upbringing, and she went through 15 years of self-hatred and self-loathing, agreeing to let the church "cure" her, all sorts of programs. It didn't go away and she hated herself. She had a strong enough personal relationship with her lord to finally reach a place that god loves her no matter what, and she went on to make peace with her sexual orientation, and also found a church home for gay Christians.

Ironically after we dated for awhile (and I was head over heels for this woman) she rejected me that I wasn't Christian, she would only date a devout CHristian like herself.

[Kerby W-R]

Originally Posted by surfergirl2007

My hubby and I have been married for about 4 years. He was gay for most of his life before he met me. He was never happy being gay and always wanted to convert so that he could be seen as "normal," "worthy of love," etc. Also, being gay flew in the face of his deep Christian beliefs. He tells me he never really obscesses about gay sex anymore because he has me to take care of his needs. (I'm sorry if this is TMI!) I posted on the relationships board about my concerns with him and his BFF and most people said that I should be more concerned about his homosexuality than his BFF. My question to formerly gay men married to straight women--do you ever really get over being gay or is it something you continue to repress?? Oh, and how many years have you been/were you married for? And do you really enjoy sex with your wife, or are you always pretending she is some male that you are attracted to? Okay, that was 3 questions. But I just really need to know...am I wasting my time on this marriage and has he been lying to me (AND TO HIMSELF!) all along?

The gender to which a person is attracted is not as important as the way he or she treats that person.