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Old 12-05-2014, 10:39 PM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,154 posts, read 84,024,464 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Adi from the Brunswicks View Post
The problem is, my mind thinks in one way, my heart feels that way, and then makes a complete 180, hence the reason I feel conflicted. I'm confused, as my heart keeps oscillating from one side to another in terms of feelings.

Who can help me deal with this problem. Psychologists deal with the mind, but its not my mind that's the issue. My heart is the big culprit here.
Psychologists deal with emotions.
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Old 12-06-2014, 02:35 AM
 
6,324 posts, read 4,301,604 times
Reputation: 4333
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adi from the Brunswicks View Post
Yes, for the most part, they don't want me with anyone outside my brahmin caste. I want to open up a bit more. I want to spend my life with strong, sexy, independent ladies, who respect me as a partner, not damsels in distress. Someone who has the guts to fight back when needed.
The caste system is SUPPOSED to be illegal now - so why you would even entertain the notion of staying within your caste is beyond me. Are you still in India? Because if you're not, there is even less of a reason to hold on to that unfair tradition that lacks any sort of liberty. The caste system has done India a massive disservice over the centuries given that even an Einstein or Beethoven born into the wrong caste would be doomed to do little else but be a pandit or merchant, or whatever. Instead of allowing a person to pursue their strongest talents, the caste decided for the individual what he/she would be regardless of talent or aptitude.

I'm not "pure" Indian - I'm half Filippino - but I never gave race a second thought. I just find the whole idea of marriage racism almost as bad as any other type of racism. Marry for love, not for caste and not for race. That's my advice.

As for the other, more traditional practices such as food, style of dress, music - those sorts of things should be carried on. I certainly wouldn't want to see our culture die (not that it will), but if you're living in the West, it's a good idea to adopt some Western traditions, as well. Otherwise you'll just come across as stuck-up to the non-Indians around you. It was a bit easier for me since I'm a half-breed anyway, but I certainly didn't stick myself in a corner and wait for another Indian to show up so I could shout, "Yay! Now I can finally have a social life!"

I knew quite a number of Indians in college who did that - only hung around people of their race. BUT, when they needed help with an assignment or even English tutorials, they had no qualms about asking the white students. Unfortunately, the white students felt they were being used and some stopped helping completely.

Anyhow, only you can really know for sure what traditions you want to keep and which to put away in the closet for another day. But damn, stay away from all of that caste nonsense. That's not much more than a dark stain on India's past.
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Old 12-06-2014, 03:04 AM
 
Location: Florida
23,155 posts, read 26,075,885 times
Reputation: 27887
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adi from the Brunswicks View Post
Then WHY DAFUK don't my parents Americanize as well . Whats the Effing point in them being citizens if they cant accept the american way of life their children want to live moving forward .
That would make things easier for you, wouldn't it?
Welcome to the adult world where you have to make your own decisions and be responsible for them.
It may turn out that the best you can hope for is that they will at least accept your decisions, whether they agree with them or not.
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Old 12-06-2014, 07:36 AM
 
Location: *
13,242 posts, read 4,879,535 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Adi from the Brunswicks View Post
I really like Indian traditions besides arranged marriage though. Is it possible for me to be devoted to god, and marry out of my race.
Hi there Adi,
Personally, I think/feel it's possible to be devoted to the Gods &/or to a particular belief system & yet not have an entirely complete understanding of the particular Gods &/or system. Measurement is not the same thing as understanding, sometimes it seems to me as if an entire life is necessary to approach a more perfect understanding.

Reconciling the heart & head (along with involving the hands) seems to be one of the more interesting challenges this life has to offer, & you seem to have this as a desire. (Personally, I also think having a sense of humor as well seems to be a very good sign. ) Wishing you well.
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Old 12-06-2014, 07:37 AM
 
Location: Northville, MI
11,879 posts, read 14,150,654 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
That would make things easier for you, wouldn't it?
Welcome to the adult world where you have to make your own decisions and be responsible for them.
It may turn out that the best you can hope for is that they will at least accept your decisions, whether they agree with them or not.
They wont, and I know it. I have a weak heart, and if my parents call me up and cry every time about how they are suffering, I'll start feeling stressed out for doing nothing more to help than just offer money . I'm honestly confused. I don't want to see my parents rot in mental agony investing so much in my education, it will pain my heart.

My parents love me a lot, but are also VERY clingy people. They just cant let go of me. They want to live in with me, and take refuge under my income, because they wants to retire comfortably with some companionship. How can I agree to that, if they refuse to accept who I live with. I said no to this, and they told me to suck up or be a college dropout, cuz this is their leverage for funding my education. They have been through enough poverty in their lives, and all they want to right now is live in a pool of wealth.

Last edited by Adi from the Brunswicks; 12-06-2014 at 07:57 AM..
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Old 12-06-2014, 08:55 AM
 
Location: Northeastern US
19,773 posts, read 13,311,795 times
Reputation: 9786
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adi from the Brunswicks View Post
They wont, and I know it. I have a weak heart, and if my parents call me up and cry every time about how they are suffering, I'll start feeling stressed out for doing nothing more to help than just offer money . I'm honestly confused. I don't want to see my parents rot in mental agony investing so much in my education, it will pain my heart.
I hope you do not mean by "weak heart" that you have a physical heart condition that is threatened by stress, but even if you simply mean that you are what we would call a "soft touch", you can't hide behind that excuse and thus not take appropriate action.

You really should read up on the concept of healthy personal boundaries and how to develop, define and protect them. Your parent's agony and confusion is NOT your fault or your responsibility. It is THEIRS. The refusal to deal in reality, their attachment to tradition for tradition's sake, and their vicariously living through their children are inappropriate boundaries that THEY have, and represents THEIR FAILURE to respect the boundaries of others -- most particularly and relevantly for purposes of this discussion, YOUR boundaries as an ADULT IN YOUR OWN RIGHT.

I repeat, you do not have to apologize to anyone, even your parents, for simply growing up and making your own decisions.

Grow a spine, straighten up and be firm but loving with your parents. They will either get with the program, or not. If all they EVER do is whimper and whine and lay guilt trips on you, tell them to call back or come back when they can engage with you in an appropriate and respectful manner; in the meantime you have EVERY right to separate yourself from their manipulative and disrespectful behavior.

You are an adult now, and need to exit the role of the dutiful child.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adi from the Brunswicks View Post
My parents love me a lot, but are also VERY clingy people. They just cant let go of me. They want to live in with me, and take refuge under my income, because they wants to retire comfortably with some companionship. How can I agree to that, if they refuse to accept who I live with. I said no to this, and they told me to suck up or be a college dropout, cuz this is their leverage for funding my education. They have been through enough poverty in their lives, and all they want to right now is live in a pool of wealth.
And this shows that your parents are not merely vicariously living through you, but also greedy.

Now I realize that there's a different social contract in many cultures from what I grew up with. The unspoken social contract in the US is closer to "18 and out" meaning that you go out into the adult world at age 18, perhaps with a car and college tuition, but beyond that it's up to you to support yourself, and once all your siblings are out of the nest, it is your parent's time. They have done their job, it is finished, and now they can focus on each other and enjoy life a bit without all the heavy responsibility and pouring their entire being and substance into the children. Their job is done.

By contrast in Greece, parents are expected to buy their adult children their first home when they marry, set them up in business, and provide free child care forever. I spoke to people my age (late 50s) in Greece who are exhausted and embittered by their children's never-ending demands for largesse, support, and menial labor. Our tour guide was educated in Germany and the US as well as Greece and did a stint working in the US and scandalized her family by refusing to support her children in this way.

So your parents obviously have expectations, and some of them are even understandable in the context of your original culture of origin. But that does not change that you are an autonomous adult now who must make decisions for yourself, based on YOUR needs. YOU get to decide how much space you have, and how much you will devote to your parents, and what order of priority your parents will have relative to your love life, your professional life, and your personal space. There is no right or wrong to it other than what helps or harms you based on your personality and needs.

My stepdaughter dated and was serious with an young Indian man. His parents were very overbearing and controlling. They did not like him dating a white girl and demonized her in ways that she is still traumatized by today. Of course their resistance cemented the relationship, driving it underground, and created a shared personal struggle that increased their determination to see each other covertly. But in the end, the young man caved to his parent's demands, and even accepted their judgment of my stepdaughter as a "wh_re" (because, apparently, they had kissed) and spread stories at school about her being "easy". Don't be that young man, Adi. Have integrity. Grow a pair. Man up. Either that, or accept that you will live forever in your parent's shadow while they eat out your substance and enjoy life at your expense.

That is your stark choice.
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Old 12-06-2014, 09:23 AM
 
Location: Northville, MI
11,879 posts, read 14,150,654 times
Reputation: 6376
Quote:
Originally Posted by mordant View Post
I hope you do not mean by "weak heart" that you have a physical heart condition that is threatened by stress, but even if you simply mean that you are what we would call a "soft touch", you can't hide behind that excuse and thus not take appropriate action.

You really should read up on the concept of healthy personal boundaries and how to develop, define and protect them. Your parent's agony and confusion is NOT your fault or your responsibility. It is THEIRS. The refusal to deal in reality, their attachment to tradition for tradition's sake, and their vicariously living through their children are inappropriate boundaries that THEY have, and represents THEIR FAILURE to respect the boundaries of others -- most particularly and relevantly for purposes of this discussion, YOUR boundaries as an ADULT IN YOUR OWN RIGHT.

I repeat, you do not have to apologize to anyone, even your parents, for simply growing up and making your own decisions.

Grow a spine, straighten up and be firm but loving with your parents. They will either get with the program, or not. If all they EVER do is whimper and whine and lay guilt trips on you, tell them to call back or come back when they can engage with you in an appropriate and respectful manner; in the meantime you have EVERY right to separate yourself from their manipulative and disrespectful behavior.

You are an adult now, and need to exit the role of the dutiful child.

And this shows that your parents are not merely vicariously living through you, but also greedy.

Now I realize that there's a different social contract in many cultures from what I grew up with. The unspoken social contract in the US is closer to "18 and out" meaning that you go out into the adult world at age 18, perhaps with a car and college tuition, but beyond that it's up to you to support yourself, and once all your siblings are out of the nest, it is your parent's time. They have done their job, it is finished, and now they can focus on each other and enjoy life a bit without all the heavy responsibility and pouring their entire being and substance into the children. Their job is done.

By contrast in Greece, parents are expected to buy their adult children their first home when they marry, set them up in business, and provide free child care forever. I spoke to people my age (late 50s) in Greece who are exhausted and embittered by their children's never-ending demands for largesse, support, and menial labor. Our tour guide was educated in Germany and the US as well as Greece and did a stint working in the US and scandalized her family by refusing to support her children in this way.

So your parents obviously have expectations, and some of them are even understandable in the context of your original culture of origin. But that does not change that you are an autonomous adult now who must make decisions for yourself, based on YOUR needs. YOU get to decide how much space you have, and how much you will devote to your parents, and what order of priority your parents will have relative to your love life, your professional life, and your personal space. There is no right or wrong to it other than what helps or harms you based on your personality and needs.

My stepdaughter dated and was serious with an young Indian man. His parents were very overbearing and controlling. They did not like him dating a white girl and demonized her in ways that she is still traumatized by today. Of course their resistance cemented the relationship, driving it underground, and created a shared personal struggle that increased their determination to see each other covertly. But in the end, the young man caved to his parent's demands, and even accepted their judgment of my stepdaughter as a "wh_re" (because, apparently, they had kissed) and spread stories at school about her being "easy". Don't be that young man, Adi. Have integrity. Grow a pair. Man up. Either that, or accept that you will live forever in your parent's shadow while they eat out your substance and enjoy life at your expense.

That is your stark choice.
I'm emailing your post to my parents.

I'll firmly say that I'm willing to provide for them, but only if they respect my decisions. If not, then all they get is the remittance, and no love. My heart pains a bit to say this, but its the best choice to make. I really can't deal with the clinginess. I believe doing this would not only benefit me, but also future generations who trace their ancestry back to me. I feel sorry for your stepdaughter, BTW .

Last edited by Adi from the Brunswicks; 12-06-2014 at 09:33 AM..
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Old 12-06-2014, 12:49 PM
 
Location: Northeastern US
19,773 posts, read 13,311,795 times
Reputation: 9786
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adi from the Brunswicks View Post
I'm emailing your post to my parents.

I'll firmly say that I'm willing to provide for them, but only if they respect my decisions. If not, then all they get is the remittance, and no love. My heart pains a bit to say this, but its the best choice to make. I really can't deal with the clinginess. I believe doing this would not only benefit me, but also future generations who trace their ancestry back to me. I feel sorry for your stepdaughter, BTW .
Thanks, Adi, and I wish you the best. Be strong and hang in there and fight for your life. It's the only one you'll get. And remember: boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
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