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Old 08-30-2015, 07:13 PM
 
Location: Victoria TX
42,664 posts, read 73,170,900 times
Reputation: 36006

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A nun told me this one, so don't blame me if it's off color.

Mother Superior and the Novice were walking back to the convent,, just after dark. Two men come out of the bushes, and begin ripping off their habits an having their way with them. Mother Superior says "Forgive them, my child, for they know not what they do." The novice says "Ooh, I think this one knows what he's doing".
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Old 08-30-2015, 07:40 PM
 
Location: US
27,239 posts, read 14,575,044 times
Reputation: 1673
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtur88 View Post
a nun told me this one, so don't blame me if it's off color.

Mother superior and the novice were walking back to the convent,, just after dark. Two men come out of the bushes, and begin ripping off their habits an having their way with them. Mother superior says "forgive them, my child, for they know not what they do." the novice says "ooh, i think this one knows what he's doing".
lol!!!...
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Old 11-24-2016, 11:21 PM
 
2,367 posts, read 2,337,930 times
Reputation: 2774
Hey, here's two new one-liner jokes (I made these up myself):


QUESTION: What does every good Latter-Day Saint woman need?
ANSWER: More men. <---- Get it? More men <--------> Mormon


QUESTION: What does every good Amish women need?
ANSWER: Two men a night. <----- Get it? Men a night <---------> Mennonite
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Old 11-25-2016, 03:39 AM
 
Location: Canada
6,678 posts, read 4,105,666 times
Reputation: 388
Little Johnny was walking down the street with a box of newborn kittens saying

catholic kittens for sale, catholic kittens for sale.

The priest on the corner hearing Johnny just smiled.

Two weeks later the same priest sees Johnny walking down the street with the same box of kittens saying

Protestant kittens for sale, protestant kittens for sale.


The priest calls Johnny over and says

Johnny two weeks ago you were saying, catholic kittens for sale, catholic kittens for sale and today you are saying Protestant kittens for sale, protestant kittens for sale. Whats changed?

Johnny replies today their eyes were open.
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Old 11-25-2016, 09:34 AM
 
Location: Salt Lake City
21,698 posts, read 21,586,821 times
Reputation: 10394
Quote:
Originally Posted by UsAll View Post
Hey, here's two new one-liner jokes (I made these up myself):


QUESTION: What does every good Latter-Day Saint woman need?
ANSWER: More men. <---- Get it? More men <--------> Mormon


QUESTION: What does every good Amish women need?
ANSWER: Two men a night. <----- Get it? Men a night <---------> Mennonite
There's always something lost in a joke you have to explain to people.
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Old 11-27-2016, 05:45 PM
 
4,963 posts, read 2,423,156 times
Reputation: 367
Quote:
Originally Posted by UsAll View Post
Hey, here's two new one-liner jokes (I made these up myself):
QUESTION: What does every good Latter-Day Saint woman need?
ANSWER: More men. <---- Get it? More men <--------> Mormon
QUESTION: What does every good Amish women need?
ANSWER: Two men a night. <----- Get it? Men a night <---------> Mennonite
Dry waggish humor with No harm intended.
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Old 12-04-2016, 05:34 AM
 
Location: Booth Texas
14,138 posts, read 4,672,598 times
Reputation: 1406
Abib the local pine seed distributer in Jerusalem went into town and as he was shopping between the tomatoes and the onions, he ran into death and was surprised, and then death turned and looked at him and gave him the most bizzare look, a stare that made Abib very frightened, so Abib ran from the market place in Jerusalem and went to his friend's house to tell his friend,'' You must lend me a camel and some figs, I saw death in the market place in Jerusalem and he gave me the most threatening glare and now I must flee top Damscus, and So the friend gave Abib his Camel and Abib hurried on his way to Damsacus. After a couple hours, Abib's friend got curious and decided he would go down to see death himself. So the friend comes into the market place and finds death amongst the sage and spices and says,'' O Death, my friend Abib was here earlier and he says that you gave him a threatening glare, why did you give my friend a threatening glare?


Death turned and said,'' I didn't give him a threatening glare, I was just so surprised to see him in Jerusalem because I have an appointment with him in Damascus tomorrow morning.
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Old 12-04-2016, 09:51 AM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
14,705 posts, read 10,032,868 times
Reputation: 2513
Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted:

"Mum, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had been in trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did. Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to Jesus, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write Jesus a letter.

Dear Jesus,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Barry.


Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up he letter and started over.

Dear Jesus,
This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

Dear Jesus,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my
birthday.
Your friend,
Barry.

Barry knew he could not send this letter to Jesus either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to Jesus.

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN,
SEND THE BIKE.
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Old 12-04-2016, 10:02 AM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
14,705 posts, read 10,032,868 times
Reputation: 2513
40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates.


St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. " Dude, I've got 40 gypsies here. Can I let them in?"

God says "We are over quota on gypsies . Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in."

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. "Dude!They've gone.", he tells God.

"What?" says God, "All 40 of them?"

"No!", says Peter......"the bloody gates".
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Old 01-09-2017, 05:10 AM
Status: "grazing" (set 11 days ago)
 
116 posts, read 30,877 times
Reputation: 74
So the Pope arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Peter who welcomes him and says "You have been a wonderful person in your life and I can grant you any wish you make."

So the Pope requests to see the originals of all the scriptures.
Peter takes him to a room all decked out in comfortable furniture with lots of nice foods and sits the Pope down by a table containing all the scriptures. Peter leaves him there and the Pope starts reading.

After a few very quiet hours, Peter hears the Pope crying in distress. He rushed in the room and asks the Pope what the matter is, to which the Pope replied
"Aaaaah, it says celebrate!!"
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