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The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that if he didn't play he would get withdrawal symptoms. One Yom Kippur the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser, and I'll be back in time for services."
Sure enough, at the conclusion of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course. Looking down upon the scene were Moses and G-d.
Moses said, "Look how terrible—a Jew on Yom Kippur. And a rabbi besides!"
G-d replied, "Watch. I'm going to teach him a lesson."
Out on the course, the rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened off a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a HOLE IN ONE!
Seeing all this, Moses protested: "G-d, this is how you're going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!"
A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school.
His mother asked, "What is the part you will play, Saul?" Saul responded, "I shall play the Jewish husband," to which the mother replied, "Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!"
Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their ageing mother:
Avraham, the first son, said, "I built a big house for our mother."
Moishe, the second, said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
David, the youngest, said, "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible? Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole Bible—Mama just has to name the chapter and verse."
Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother:
"Avraham," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Moishe," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas—he's a pain in the tuchas. But David," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, eyes wide and white as ghosts. Bubbie, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... 22 MPH!" Bubbie says proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, she grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
The officer said, "But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer says.
Bubbie replied, "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and G-d will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "G-d will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support the children?"
"Don't worry, sir. G-d will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that G-d will provide.
Later that evening the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm G-d."
Mr Steen was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by the doctor who was waiting by his bed.
"You're going to be just fine, Mr Steen," the doctor said.
The doctor was joined by a nurse who said, "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
Mr Steen said, "No, I'm not," in a whisper.
"Then can you pay in cash?" the nurse persisted.
"I'm afraid I cannot."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nurse questioned sternly.
"Just my sister in New York," he volunteered. "But she converted to.. she's a nun... in fact a real spinster."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr Steen. Nuns are not spinsters—they are married to G-d."
"Wonderful, wonderful," Mr Steen. "In that case, please send my bill to my brother-in-law."
Adam was walking through the Garden Eden feeling very lonely, so G-d asked him, "What's wrong, Adam?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
G-d thought for a minute and then said that He was going to make him a companion and that it would be called "wonderful."
"Wonderful will gather food for you, cook for you, agree with your every decision, bear your children, never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them, never nag you, be the first to admit wrong when you've had a disagreement and wonderful never gives you a headache."
Adam inquired, "What will wonderful cost?"
G-d replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
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