extreme feeling of hopelessness and fear (salvation, grace, Isaiah, hell)
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My mother and halfsister are JWs but are horrible people. I hate to say this and I know god won't forgive me but I've had bad experiences with religious people
An actual benevolent god would not have the slightest problem with you saying a person is horrible if that's in fact what they are ... and these clearly are. Call a spade a spade. It's called "honesty". The fact that they are family is irrelevant. If their conduct is bad, it's bad. By the "logic" you've been taught, that your mother has some sort of right of dominion over you, then you could be physically, emotionally, and/or sexually abused and your parents would have just as much right as if they treated you well. That is seriously sick ideology and it does not come from any deity worth worshipping.
I hate to say this and I know god won't forgive me but I've had bad experiences with religious people
The god you have apparently been taught about won't forgive you. That god has moral standards inferior to that of his puny creations. But he is only a construct in your brain, not a reality.
I was taught that "god has broad shoulders". He's not an insecure, petty, vindictive creature. If you have issues with him or his people, he can take it. After all, that means you're not "lukewarm". The opposite of love is not hatred, it's indifference. Since you're not indifferent, any god with two brain cells would know that you therefore love him.
That's the "come unto me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" or maybe the "come, let us reason together" version of god. You've gotten the tribal Hebrew war-god version.
I no longer believe in anyone's cherry-picked god, but if you must cherry-pick a god for yourself, don't pick the angry jealous one, why not instead pick the "friend that sticks closer than a brother".
i feel so much sadness, worry and fear everyday. there is nothing i can do to alleviate it
Give your time and energy to the less fortunate, volunteer your time at a hospital or nursing home for the elderly. You have to hold on, never give up and never surrender, GOD hears your cry for help. Things will get better for you, I know they will. But, you have to do whatever you can to help yourself through this difficult time in your life. You sound very depressed and should seek help for it, I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.
An actual benevolent god would not have the slightest problem with you saying a person is horrible if that's in fact what they are ... and these clearly are. Call a spade a spade. It's called "honesty". The fact that they are family is irrelevant. If their conduct is bad, it's bad. By the "logic" you've been taught, that your mother has some sort of right of dominion over you, then you could be physically, emotionally, and/or sexually abused and your parents would have just as much right as if they treated you well. That is seriously sick ideology and it does not come from any deity worth worshipping.
My logic and heart goes in different directions. My logic has gotten me in trouble with god.
My logic and heart goes in different directions. My logic has gotten me in trouble with god.
Here again you are using the imaginary terms you've been taught.
What is going in different directions is not your logic and your "heart" (or spirit, or soul, or any other abstract concept with no underlying basis). It is your logic and your emotions -- largely negative emotions such as fear, shame, etc.
Post traumatic stress syndrome is all that is needed to explain this. Your faith or lack of faith, the (dis)pleasure of any gods, the access of any other spirits to your mind, are not necessary to explain your torment. The rest of human society (that is, most of the rest of it aside from JWs and other cultish belief-systems) gave up a couple of centuries ago on the silly notion that mental illness or even mental torment such as addictive thoughts or thought patterns, are explained by evil spirits or divine displeasure. It is some combination of abnormal brain chemistry or physiology, personality disorders or neuroses and ingrained thought habits that are dysfunctional and maladaptive. The answer is some combination of medication, cognitive behavioral therapy, and/or talk therapy. Also, and maybe more usefully, a combination of time and separation from the toxic beliefs you grew up in and the toxic people who seek to control your thinking and acting in the world.
More than anything else you need a long, restful vacation from dogma and a lot of love and acceptance and a gentle introduction to mainstream society. A chance to take baby steps into the world and start to build confidence in yourself to replace all that self-loathing you're now saddled with.
All I can really say, ReadyToFly (and I love that handle, because you're more ready than you know) ... is, you are far more capable than you can imagine, and have far more to offer other people than you have yet guessed. And most people are far kinder, gentler and nicer than you realize. You've had a lot of skewed, bad experience with other people, and it will take time to change yourself so that you quit unwittingly attracting controlling / shaming people into your life, and avoiding respectful, welcoming people. Learning to discern who is trustworthy and then affording them trust. That will all take time.
But it's doable and you've taken the first steps.
Frankly I think Buddhism-derived secular meditation training might do you a world of good. You really need to calm down what Mark Twain called "the constant gale of thoughts that blow through a person's mind". You probably don't sleep well, or think well when you're awake. This is all fixable but you need time and space to do the work. Please fine a way to give it to yourself, and to get sympathetic help.
Your "logic trouble" was with the JWs you were associated with, not with God.
I agree with this.
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