Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I used to believe abortion was murder, and I added to the torment of women making this most difficult choice instead of relieving it.
I used to turn self hatred inside out, and torment other LGBTQ people. This is my biggest shame.
I used to repeatedly point out the sins of others, sometimes loudly, while justifying my own.
I used to make fun of Atheists, for not believing what I did.
I've probably destroyed countless lives, and crushed countless souls, believing I was "loving the sinner while hating the sin."
These are what come to mind immediately. I may add more, but my eyes are leaking right now and I have to stop.
I'm sorry. So very sorry.
You are kind and open-hearted. It serves neither you or anyone else to beat yourself up. We all have made mistakes, all hurt others accidentally or on purpose, all have shameful episodes in our past.
Asking forgiveness or offering an apology can be right and proper and cleansing, but let's not live in an atmosphere of regret. Far better to move on and be more positive going forward.
There's an old zen koan:
Two monks were walking one day, and at a bridge they came upon a lame man who asked their help crossing a river. The monks took turns carrying the man across the river to his hut.
Later, the one monk said "I am happy we could help that man, but it was an effort. My arms are tired."
The other monk said "Why do you still carry him? I put him down in front of his home once we crossed the river."
Welcome to the other side of the river, geekigurl.
Thankfully, my boys are all great now! An MBA from Vanderbilt (after a 1570/1600 on his SAT, he had an academic full ride undergrad at Baylor, and almost full ride for his masters), an engineer from Purdue (substantial academic scholarships) and one graduating dental school from Indiana University next May (full ride undergrad, racking up debt for dental school!).
When the oldest was 18 and 1000 miles away from home for his first semester at college, he and I both (separately) began questioning our literal creationist and other fundie beliefs. (Side note: his pastor at Baylor was literally electrocuted and died during a baptism, which really shook his faith.) I remember taking with him about his and my changing beliefs when he came home for his Christmas break freshman year. Shortly thereafter, I talked with my other boys, humbly and sincerely apologizing for teaching them things I no longer believed.
I will never know how I became so lost. I am not a stupid person; my IQ is actually quite high. I do remember that from the time I was young, I wanted answers to all the mysteries of life and the universe. As a child, I viewed most things in black and white, and I wanted to find concrete, black and white answers to my questions. When I found a church that claimed to have all the answers, that appealed to me.
On the bright side, I never used to tithed so I don't feel too bad about giving thousands to anyone's church over that time period in my life.
I did not believe in giving ten percent either. In fact, I believed ten percent were only for the ancient Israelites, the ones that were under the law. But since we are under grace, not under law, we should give a lot more. I gave 15 percent at least, sometimes more. Except that I could not bring myself to do it joyfully, as God required. I thought that maybe if I "practiced" giving for a long period of time, somehow God would help me grow the right Christian attitude in my heart. But still, every time I put money in the collection plate, I kept thinking what I would rather do with it instead.
Another money-related issue: I also firmly believed in "whoever wants to borrow from you, do not deny him". I lost a total of about 300 dollars on two occassions by lending money to someone who was not about to return it.
I tried to get into a Christian college in America (Master's College in Santa Clarita, CA, run by the hardline evangelical fundamentalist John McArthur, in case you are curious) without having any definite plan at all how to obtain the funding for it. I believed God would provide it, if that was his will for me. Sure enough, he did not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zthatzmanz28
I would have on my schedule the times for listing to John MacArthur on the radio during the day.
I was a huge fan of the old hate-spewing fundy as well. Bought his books, audiobooks, listened to the radio, read his sermon transcripts - the whole nine yards. I am calling him a hate-spewing fundy because those sermons are generally big on hating everyone who does not believe like him: liberal Christians, Catholics, New Age/occult types and of course atheists.
While in university (one in my home country, not the abovementioned Master's), I engaged in countless debates on the falsity of evolution, the unreliability of science etc and made an idiot of myself in the process.
I spent countless hours in countless Bible studies while I could spend them learning about real science or engaging in another productive and soul-edifying hobby instead.
Just so you know, if you ever treated someone like me badly for my "sins", you didn't crush me or destroy me. I just felt sorry for you for being so brainwashed. Whatever you may have said just rolled over me.
I just laugh inside at what Christians say. Don't feel bad geekgurl. We weren't hurt as atheists.
I wish I could understand how people get to this level.
It's one of the most puzzling behaviors that I have ever encountered in life. I can't relate on any level as to how people become fundy followers. It's deeply mystifying.
I wish I could understand how people get to this level.
It's one of the most puzzling behaviors that I have ever encountered in life. I can't relate on any level as to how people become fundy followers. It's deeply mystifying.
At the time of my conversion I was a somewhat lonely teenager, so part of it was the desire to find "my crowd", a community where I would belong.
Another part of it was deep disillusionment with the current culture, with the "ordinary" lifestyle - going to school, finding a job, hanging out, watching TV, dating, partying etc. I wanted something greater than that, something meaningful out of life. I wanted to be counter-cultural, to be a rebel against modernity - but also not like the "commercialized rebellion" of various subclutures that are only centered around music and clothes.
By the way, I still heartily despise the modern world and still rebel - but in different ways. And after parting ways with Evangelicalism, I did again find the meaning of life that I had longed for, but apart from religion. Just walking in an autumn forest all by myself, or listening to a Beethoven symphony seems more wonderful to me now than all the "revelations" I used to glean out of my Bible studies. I am not alone any more, but I also ceases to worry about being alone either. I call it independence now.
And the third part of it was the novelty. It was the first time I made friends with people of a different nationality - American missionaries from Campus Crusade for Christ. They were mostly young, fun, energetic, zealous. And they presented religion as a total way of life, as opposed to just going to church on Christmas and Easter, like most of my fellow countrymen do.
That's pretty much it.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
