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I mean you have to survive by doing joint child custody with your abuser - so you are always on your guard so you are not vulnerable. But meantime he is gaslighting you as being intolerant and unforgiving, all the while still using the kids to undermine you and abuse you - and you cannot get away without abandoning the kids.
I think forgiveness in a situation where you are forced to daily interact with your abuser is not a huge priority - safety is. Watchfulness is.
But it's funny, after he accidentally on purpose set the house on fire when we were still married, he told me "you are just going to have to forgive me, since you can't live like this". He never asked, and he never apologized. In a passive aggressive way, he was ORDERING me to forgive him.
I don't think I can do this until the kids are grown and I am allowed to move away, and I can finally rebuild my own life with some power and control, and not have to account to him by law for everything we do or else here come the lawyers again.
You and your family are in my prayers. My heart goes out to you.
I say, pray hard and furious for that man. The Bible says, it's like pouring hot coals on His head. Remember, the Lord is your avenger. He tells us that vengence is His, so wait and hang in there. (I'm sure this isn't anything you haven't heard before. But, hang in there.)
I came from a broken home - violent, turbulent, abusive - full of fear and I am living proof that God will be with your kids. Pray for their physical protection, but also their mental and spiritual protection. Ask the Lord to cover their hearts and their minds with His blood. Pray a hedge of protection over them. Pray that He keeps them for himself, until the day they can no longer be under the influence of their father. You know, ultimately, Their Father is our Heavenly Father, so even though they are with their earthly father, their Heavenly Father is there, too.
(none of this is meant to say that you haven't done this or you should do this - it's just my heart spilling onto the page)
It may seem impossible, but God would say otherwise. Pray and pray and watch and see that the Lord is Good. Wait and watch and see. I am praying for miracles to begin happening. That you will have favor with your kids, that they will begin to see the real truth, that you will be strengthened and restored. That your husband's mouth will be shut up like an abandoned, boarded-up house, until love can come out. That the Lord will protect you all and keep you from further abuse. That His Spirit will comfort you in ways you've not known, yet and that the annointing will be on you when you have to interact with that man. Put on the Full armor of God everytime you have to speak or see him. It's a battle, and in the middle is your heart. Become fierce (a Holy anger of not backing down) in the Lord and don't let the enemy weaken or win your heart. I pray that the Lord brings you into greater understanding of warfare. That your army of supporters increase and the tactics of the enemy decrease. That peace prevails where torment once was. The Lord is with you and loves you - feel His strong arms around you. Let Him love you, without your guard and defenses up (keep your guard up with the abuser, but not your loving Father.). Ask Him to teach you to trust him even more. I see a closed up flower, but one by one your petals will open, revealing a soft, beautiful creation of God. One that isn't tattered or torn, one that is renewed, restored, and refreshed. You will get through this. Your children will get through this and God will use y'all to help others. be encouraged, today. You will get through this. Don't try to figure it all out, now. Just trust in the Lord with all your heart - not just some. You can do this.
I hope I haven't over-stepped my boundaries. I just write what I feel and if at the slightest I did offend you, please let me know so I can make ammends. But, please know this was all written out of love for God and His love for you (and of experiences I gone through in my life)
CMSVMOM - I hope you find peace in your situation soon.
I am so glad that so many people can come to this forum and find a little bit of advice, peace and spirit. I find it funny that a place full of annonymous posters has spoken to me on so many personal levels, so much more so than anything I've ever heard in church. I thank you all!
forgive means to give up resentment against someone who has hurt or offended you, but it doesnt say you have to then be their best friends, but you may understand that this person is not good for your life.
I forgive my enemies, but i dont have to be in their presensce
Gausjams made a provocative statement...."Pray hard for that man." I read a profound statement several years ago that really spoke to me. Since that time I have tried to put it into practice. At times it has been very hard to do, but it WORKS - You can't hate those for whom you are praying. You may not like them or the things they do, but somehow in the process of praying for them, God changes and heals your heart - so they can't hurt you anymore.
The following is from Tyler Perry - who had to overcome a terrible childhood of abuse...
When you haven't forgiven those who've hurt you, you turn your back against your future. When you do forgive, you start walking forward.
I understand and agree with the idea that forgiving others is more about your peace of mind then it is about theirs. You don't have to make it known to the people who hurt you that you have forgiven them. The issue is learning how to transcend the hurt, how to get to a place in your heart and mind where the hurt is no longer holding you back from fully caring for others and allowing yourself to be cared for by others.
And by the greatest of them all...Jesus in Matt. 5
43 "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor.—(Leviticus 19:18) Hate your enemy.' 44 But here is what I tell you. Love your enemies. Pray for those who hurt you. 45 Then you will be sons of your Father who is in heaven.
You didn't overstep your boundaries. Thanks for the prayer, I need fervent stuff like this!
My kids are almost grown, so I will be moving away soon.
Prayer helps to speed the process
I'm very relieved. It's one thing for me to blab all over the people who know me, but quite another to blab all over a stranger. Guess where the love of Christ transcends all.
At times it has been very hard to do, but it WORKS - You can't hate those for whom you are praying. You may not like them or the things they do, but somehow in the process of praying for them, God changes and heals your heart - so they can't hurt you anymore.
The following is from Tyler Perry - who had to overcome a terrible childhood of abuse...
When you haven't forgiven those who've hurt you, you turn your back against your future. When you do forgive, you start walking forward.
I understand and agree with the idea that forgiving others is more about your peace of mind then it is about theirs. You don't have to make it known to the people who hurt you that you have forgiven them. The issue is learning how to transcend the hurt, how to get to a place in your heart and mind where the hurt is no longer holding you back from fully caring for others and allowing yourself to be cared for by others.
And by the greatest of them all...Jesus in Matt. 5
43 "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor.—(Leviticus 19:18) Hate your enemy.' 44 But here is what I tell you. Love your enemies. Pray for those who hurt you. 45 Then you will be sons of your Father who is in heaven.
Yes, that's it - great continuance Yes, it's for you, and for those you care about and for those you'll grow to know and care about - and for those who God will bring in your path, for you to minister to. We're all wounded healers in some form or fashion. And, truthfully, God uses everyone to bring healing, but especially those you have been there, done that, and got through it, with God.
CMSVMOM - I hope you find peace in your situation soon.
I am so glad that so many people can come to this forum and find a little bit of advice, peace and spirit. I find it funny that a place full of annonymous posters has spoken to me on so many personal levels, so much more so than anything I've ever heard in church. I thank you all!
Just goes to show, that God isn't confined by church walls!
And, I really do mean this so tenderly, and I'm risking the peaceful atmosphere for the sake of honesty and truth, but if that's really the honest truth about your experience with church, you may want to find a different church. (I'm not saying I'm so much more wiser, only that when you're at the right church for you, you will grow, be mistered to, have a chance to serve, enjoy it, be challenged by it and feel fulfilled by His Spirit who draws you there. Maybe the Lord is doing a new thing in you? This is only my assumption and you shouldn't just take my word, but pray about it, too.)
I mean you have to survive by doing joint child custody with your abuser - so you are always on your guard so you are not vulnerable. But meantime he is gaslighting you as being intolerant and unforgiving, all the while still using the kids to undermine you and abuse you - and you cannot get away without abandoning the kids.
I think forgiveness in a situation where you are forced to daily interact with your abuser is not a huge priority - safety is. Watchfulness is.
But it's funny, after he accidentally on purpose set the house on fire when we were still married, he told me "you are just going to have to forgive me, since you can't live like this". He never asked, and he never apologized. In a passive aggressive way, he was ORDERING me to forgive him.
I don't think I can do this until the kids are grown and I am allowed to move away, and I can finally rebuild my own life with some power and control, and not have to account to him by law for everything we do or else here come the lawyers again.
As GausJAMS said, prayer is KEY! I'll tell you right now, I've been there! I know it seems impossible to pray for him (praying that God will help him to see his ways and that he will turn to GOD), but it is something you must do and you will be amazed at the end results.
If there is ANY WAY POSSIBLE that you can get a book called The Power of Praying Wife my Stormie Omartian PLEASE GET IT. You can get it for $10 on christianbook.com, you can also read a sample of it on the website. Hopefully the mod will not cut this please click on this link and then click on exerpt. Really this is ALL you need to read. http://www.christianbook.com/Christi...m_code=WW#curr
Once I read that I realized when I was praying for him, I was still very bitter and angry. PLEASE READ IT! It will give you a whole new perspective!
My husband was ALWAYS a control freak of the most extreme! He was also abusive (physically and emotionally). I will not go into detail on here, but if you ever need to talk PM me! I read the book's exerpt, as stated above...that night I did just that. I prayed that God would give me a pure heart. I cried my eyes out as I prayed. I prayed that God would take the bitterness from me. As I prayed, my heart lightened. Then I began to pray for my husband. Here's the "irony" or GOD'S DIVINE INTERVENTION...that Sunday, my husband, out of the clear blue, walked into church during the middle of a sermon, and asked to talk to one of the pastors! My husband was saved that day and has been a TRUE work in progress ever since! My husband has transformed like you wouldn't believe! My husband is NOW preparing to take over our church's youth group...leading our teenagers! I never in my wildest dreams would have EVER thought this would be possible! But with GOD, EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE!
Please open your heart, read that exerpt and give it a try! Please take it from somebody that has been there!
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whew!
please click on this link and then click on exerpt. Really this is ALL you need to read. 
