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Old 05-29-2014, 11:29 AM
2 posts, read 1,708 times
Reputation: 11


We just had this happen in our family. We just had this happen in our family. Our loved one killed himself eight days ago. It was unexpected and is hugely traumatic for the survivors. We are all traumatized. The family is totally undone emotionally. Some of the family was interrogated at length by the police while emotionally stunned. Then they had to make final arrangements. Those closest to us know what happened and word has spread within our network to everyone who "needs" to know. But we feared shocking others by telling them what happened. Also we did not want the deceased judged or the family judged, or to be subjected to unnecessary painful questioning by the curious at a time when we are barely functional. We needed to get the funeral completed to give the deceased, a good person whom we love very much, dignified last rites. Then we needed to go home and try to put our lives back together... if that is even possible. It would be even more painful if we had to run an obit that said "suicide." Suicide is very hard on those left behind, you cannot imagine how hard unless you have been through it. It is much judged by this society and brings negative and unhelpful attention down upon the bereaved at a time when they are least able to cope with it or to protect themselves. If you want to kill yourself and want your obit to say that you did, you had best write that obit yourself beforehand. But even if you do that, don't count on it being the one that is run. You will be dead then. The paper may put the feelings of your living family above the feelings of dead you in this matter. Your loved ones may not want the obit run as a suicide and funeral professionals and other officiants may advise them to protect themselves as much as possible at a time when they are so vulnerable. Also, you may change your tune. Why is it so important to you not only to kill yourself but to broadcast it. Will you have survivors? Do you care anything about protecting their feelings? Just some things to consider. And, by the way, you might consider counseling... to understand your self better.

Old 05-29-2014, 11:33 AM
Status: "Phlegmatic." (set 2 days ago)
Location: Ontario, Canada
23,399 posts, read 12,098,827 times
Reputation: 10667
I'm sorry for your loss. The sad ripples from a suicide spread far and touch many.
Old 05-29-2014, 11:45 AM
32,538 posts, read 29,377,870 times
Reputation: 32243
I am so sorry for your loss Cinderella. My condolences to you and your family. You lost someone under horrible circumstances that some people will feel free to pass judgement on. I hope you turn a deaf ear to those who say hurtful, harmful things. Take care.
Old 05-29-2014, 04:13 PM
Location: Salt Lake City
21,282 posts, read 20,911,116 times
Reputation: 9964
Originally Posted by tijlover View Post
What are your opinions? It should be left out or included in an Obituary?
In my opinion, that's a decision that should be left entirely up to the survivors. While they may want to let people know how their loved one died, it's certainly not as if anyone outside of the immediate family is entitled to know.
Old 05-29-2014, 04:30 PM
19,952 posts, read 12,987,621 times
Reputation: 1957
Originally Posted by tijlover View Post
I've had a fascination with reading Obituary columns all my life. And only once have I ever read an Obituary, of a young teenager, where the parents
admitted to the fact he took his own life.

You know full well the Obituary columns are sprinkled with Suicides every day of the year, but why is it so offensive to list Suicide as the cause of death?

I know, for a fact, at the end of my life, if I'm physically capable, I'm going to end my own life and I want my Obituary to state the cause of my death, and the reasons behind it, for the whole world to see.

Perhaps the reason it's not listed as a cause of death, is it might give others the courage to do likewise.

What are your opinions? It should be left out or included in an Obituary?
It's not really up to you, is it? It's your family that has the column written. If they think suicide is a bad thing to print...they won't have it printed. The way this country is going, it may be considered a noble thing by society, so that could change.
Old 05-29-2014, 04:33 PM
5,187 posts, read 5,424,527 times
Reputation: 1612
Originally Posted by Katzpur View Post
In my opinion, that's a decision that should be left entirely up to the survivors. While they may want to let people know how their loved one died, it's certainly not as if anyone outside of the immediate family is entitled to know.
I agree here. By the way tijlover, hope the wedding goes well in Juarez, Mexico.
Old 05-29-2014, 04:43 PM
Location: Logan Township, Minnesota
15,511 posts, read 12,534,058 times
Reputation: 7377
It is all up to the Family. Usually it is a Family member that writes the obit.

A death Notice and an obituary are not the same. A death notice will often give the cause of death
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Old 05-29-2014, 04:58 PM
Location: Ohio
14,336 posts, read 12,594,098 times
Reputation: 19057
It should be up to the family if they want to list suicide as cause of death.

What I wonder though, is whether family who lose a young adult, realize if they don't list the cause of death, a lot of people are going assume it was a drug overdose or a suicide.

Personally, if I lost someone at a young age, I would rather list the actual cause of death than say nothing at all and have people assume otherwise. Of course, if it actually was an overdose or suicide it wouldn't matter.

I know when I read a young adult/teen's obit, and it doesn't list the cause of death, I always wonder if it was a drug overdose or a suicide.

If I had a 20 year old who fell off the roof or died of cancer, I wouldn't want people wondering if they overdosed or killed themselves.
Old 05-30-2014, 01:02 PM
Location: Victoria TX
42,668 posts, read 71,653,762 times
Reputation: 35881
Death notices are written by surviving members of the family and they can put anything they want in there, subject to the editorial boundaries of the newspaper. Obituaries, more detailed and often more prosaic than Death Notices, are also submitted by someone designated by the survivors, and if the deceased is in any way noted, there may be several different obituaries written by different people in different publications. I recently learned of the death of a dear old friend of mine, and her on-line obituary had been written by an editor of the New Yorker magazine.

Even when people die of natural causes, it is very common to not name the cause of death in detail. Often, it will simply say "after a long illness", but there might be a clue when there is a request for a memorial contribution to a research arm fighting that particular disease. The number of people who die "suddenly" or "unexpectedly" is very large in proportion to the number of suicides, so cannot be relied upon to be a subtle clue.

Most families, in time of grief, rely on their mortician to guide them in the composition of the obituary or death notice, and I suspect most morticians are prejudiced in favor of discreetness. Which, in effect, becomes the real reason for the prevailing custom.
Old 05-31-2014, 09:39 PM
632 posts, read 630,710 times
Reputation: 694
I believe suicide should be listed in obituary sections.
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