Growing up gay in an extremist church...

[revrandy]

Chris my heart aches for you. All too often I hear stories like you shared. It is amazing how people can take a book that is about love and respect and use it to hate and condemn. What is even worse is when it comes from your own family.

If you are looking for someone to talk with, I can put you in touch with a couple of minister's in your area who would be happy to sit down and talk with you.

My personal recommendation would be to cut ties to your family until you are spiritually healthy. Maybe down the road you can have some communication with them, but right now it is life draining, not life giving. What I suggest for people in your circumstances is to create a family of choice - friends, other relatives etc. who can fulfill the role of loving mother, father, brother, sister etc. Just because you are related biologically to those folks in Arkansas does not mean they have to be your family.

If you are open to this idea, send me a PM, I know of a woman who is surrogate mother to dozens of GLBT youth/young adults. Her gay son was murdered because he was gay and now she goes around sharing her love to those who are not loved elsewhere.

First rule is be kind to yourself and love yourself. Do what is right for you, and if that means no contact then so be it. You owe it to yourself.

In Christ's Peace,
Rev. Randy

[Kerby W-R]

In Buddhism we practice love and compassion for everyone.
The most important thing is to find happiness from within. No one
else can make you happy.

[Tzaphkiel]

Originally Posted by bchris02

I would give anything to be straight just so I could be loved by my family and not hated. I have tried showing them science articles, movies, etc just to make them understand my point of view but all they come back with is they will not allow Satan to influence their line of thought in any way. I know in my heart though that this is something I can't change. The most I could do is live a life of loneliness and celibacy. I am not "straight acting" enough i.e. I don't care about sports, fishing, hunting, etc, to pass as straight so having close friends outside the gay community, especially among Christians, is not likely to happen.

Your parents do not have your best interests at heart. Please let go of trying to please them, please let go of trying to get them to love you, it is a route of misery.

They are wrong.
You are right.

They are harmful and destructive to your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being.

Know that there are healthy people, families, communities, and churches who accept you as a gay person. Find a community that is healthy for gays. There are plenty of straight people who suport gays. There are plenty of churches filled with both straights and gays, who wlecome gays in worship. If you want a church home, put yourself in one of those.

You have every right to live a peaceful happy life. Accept that your parents are in a very sick lifestyle, it is not your job to change them. Maybe one day they will seek help. But please don't forfeit your happiness, your life waiting for that to happen, or trying to please them.

Put yourself in some PFLAG meetings, go to the PFLAG webiste, read about their activities. Realize it is healthy and normal for straight people and straight families to love and support our gay children.

Best wishes. I have 3 sons. One of them is gay. A healthy parent loves their children no matter what, and wants only their happiness and well-being. If your parents are not like that, there are plenty of parents who are, THAT is the model you want to hold in your thoughts for happiness.

[MsMcQ LV]

Originally Posted by Goodpasture

Wouldn't it be nice if we could just speak a few words and the hurts would be healed, the light of love would melt hard hearts, and the world would be a wonderful place...................

But there aren't any such words. I will tell you this though. There are people out here who will accept and care and even love you. It may not be your "family" but there will those who will cherish you.

I'm straight, but if you are ever in my neck of the woods, you are welcome to share a meal, a roof, a drink, and a smoke...........you will learn, as you get older, that not all believers are like your parents.

I couldn't have said it better! And let me extend the same invitation to both of you - if you are ever in my neck of the woods, you are welcome to share all of the same things.

[Lamplight]

Wow, I almost couldn't believe what I was reading at first. I'm terribly sorry to hear what you've had to go through. And here I thought my parents were rather...ahem...nutty, but they don't hold a candle to this. I'll just echo the thoughts of the other posters, but I'd also like to add that in this very thread you can clearly see that not all Christians are like your parents. I stress this because I have to remind myself of it sometimes, due to my parents. I may be an atheist, but I'm always glad to see caring, compassionate, and understanding responses from our Christian members. If you find you still have some sort of belief in God, don't let your parents ruin that for you.

[other99]

sorry to hear things like that happen to you Chrisb.

Perhaps you should phone the gay and lesbian counseling. Maybe there are some gay support groups where you are where you can go where you can find support and possible friendships. If you dont know if there is any the gay and lesbian phone line or counseling line could help. PFLAG can be of great assitance as well. I sure you will find support there. In fact there are even parents of Gays and lesbians that go there that once hated or others that were uncomfortable the idea of their son being gay but now really accept it.

Anyway there are many churches out there that are not homophobic, in infact there are many that are gay friendly churches, and even ones who ministers are gay or lesbian. Besides Jesus never said anything against gay people when he was on earth.

[housingcrashsurvivor]

Originally Posted by denverian

My only thoughts on those "gay ghetto" communities is that you often encounter men who are only into sex, drugs, and partying. If Chris doesn't really understand the gay community and how things work, he could be easily sucked into a life that wouldn't be positive in the long run.

Oh I'm pretty sure there's just as many drugs in Charlotte. Yet I bet it's easier to overdose on homophobia there in those hetero ghettos. Are there many gay men there who walk hand in hand? Who express their sexuality openly and with acceptance? Without fear? This young man has been denied so much already. Besides, very few people party for the long run even if he gets into that (and, again, he can get into that anywhere). But the stigma of homophobia lasts a lifetime.

This kid needs sanctuary, not sanctimony.

[thosemeninlove]

Great points, housingcrashsurvivor; he'd probably enjoy a holiday or retreat in Canada. Or Vermont ( I hear it's spectacular and fully accepting there.)


-Doug of thosemeninlove

[helios666]

Originally Posted by fishbrains

bchris,

Stay away from your family, and get a therapist. You really need some unbiased support in your life, and your family sounds as if they are only going to make you miserable.

This is from the point of view of an atheist, I don't want you to think that I have ulterior motives that I am trying to hide from you.

It is ok to be gay. Do you really think that god would create you with such a core component of your personality in such a way as to simply condemn to you hell? That makes no sense, certainly not if god is a loving being.

Originally Posted by thosemeninlove

Well said, fishbrains. I'm christian and consider atheists VIPs. Without them, the religious can sometimes become very narrow minded.

-Doug of thosemeninlove

Kudos to both of the above posters- they know what's up.

Regarding therapy- I hope you are diligent about seeking it; you're obviously strong in yourself but based on what you said, it'll help you get past the guilt it seems you're bound to have when you move on and away from your family. And as well perhaps you'll consider taking a huge leap and making a physical move to a new locale. While I know it is difficult to remove yourself from your family and cut all ties that hold you to them, I strongly agree with those who have suggested you do so. While they are your parents, and gave you life and provided you with shelter and an upbringing, they also (unwittingly, it seems) gave you the presence of mind to realize that you are an adult and can make your own choices about who in your life will give to you rather than take and, additionally, offer you positivity and a chance for growth, both spiritual and emotional- and your parents, sadly, do the exact opposite. You owe them nothing except a polite goodbye and, honestly, I would let them know that you love them, and that YOU forgive THEM for their cruel, spiteful views, and then walk away, head up, without even a look back. If, by some sort of "miracle" they decide to open their hearts and be the kind and loving parents you deserve I'm sure they will let you know. But the sad fact is they probably will not, so for the health of your own heart and well being- let them go. It's their loss.

Now what you said here makes me very sad:

I would give anything to be straight just so I could be loved by my family and not hated.

You may not be loved the way you would like or deserve, but you are NOT hated! Not by anyone who has enough spiritual integrity to matter, anyway. It's just that those who you say they hate you actually hate themselves, and are scared to death- of what exactly I don't know, but they're scared, and weak. All religious zealots are. And because of that are trying to make you feel like you've done something wrong- all just because you don't fit into their preconceived little "box" of an unrealistic, ignorant notion of "the norm", and it probably doesn't help that you're strong and unafraid of being yourself which threatens what they believe in. I know you were raised religious and probably have some very ugly visions of who god is and what god is about, but if you do still believe in god, I hope you believe that god is TOTALLY into you being exactly who you are. You are a splinter of god and, therefore, just the way you need to be. In a world FULL of people who can, and will love you, but again, you might best find yourself a new environment, one in which you CAN be yourself and be proud. You can find that in a TON of places nowadays. Of course I'd be amazed if you are still interested in finding a church after what you've been through but if so, just remember there are plenty of churches here that are gay friendly, and so if you do want to find such a place to go, they're out there. You just have to seek them out. Not every town, nor every church is filled with ugliness and wrath, some are very loving and actually make you feel good about yourself. Even here where I live, in the bible belt it's super gay-friendly if you hit the right places- some churches included. I can tell you've got a lot of good to give as well as are in need of some positivity yourself so best of luck to you in whatever you do.

OH and about you not "acting" straight just cos you don't like sports and fishing etc.- well there are PLENTY of straight men who find all that stuff boring just like you. Me, I am a hetero female who's not exactly the "girly girl" type but think it's a HUGE plus when a man does not like the typical meathead stuff... Do you like the arts? You might want to think about a community that places high value on cultural arts, as such places are usually open to, or just oblivious to others' sexual preferences- plus, any artsy place is usually a hip and cool and fun place to live.

And on a side note- I hope that those who believe that being gay is some sort of "choice" (and they're on this forum alright) will read your words and take a moment to rethink their narrow minded beliefs and realize that NOBODY would "choose" something like who they are attracted to. Especially when doing so is still chastized, as if being gay is a flaw- which some actually still believe in this bass-ackwards society we still live in. I do hope there will come a day when nobody thinks it's better to be anyone except exactly who they are, and everyone accepts and loves each other as such. I think we gotta get rid of organized religion before that happens, though...

[thosemeninlove]

helios666 said, "I know you were raised religious and probably have some very ugly visions of who god is and what god is about, but if you do still believe in god, I hope you believe that god is TOTALLY into you being exactly who you are. You are a splinter of god and, therefore, just the way you need to be."

I read once that each of us are a syllable in God's name, and that each of us are a candle lit from the sun. I'd like to offer the OP this website to read...


Statement of beliefs of the Ontario Consultants on Religious Tolerance (OCRT)

There you'll find enormous acceptance and love from people of faith working towards your right to equality, full and complete.

-Doug of thosemeninlove