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A newlywed couple were undressing in the bedroom on their wedding night. The husband takes off his trousers and throws them to his wife. He says "Put them on". She does so and he says to her "Right! That's the last time you wear the trousers in this house. When I come home from work I want the house clean, the lawns mown, the car washed and my dinner on the table. I will be going to the pub every night with my mates and when I come home I want you in bed and ready for sex".
The wife removes the trousers, removes her tiny panties and throws the panties to the husband saying "Put those on".
He looks at them in amazement and says "I'll never get them off again"!!
The wife shouts "No mate.........unless you change your attitude you flippin' won't"!!
A man is lying on his death bed and his wife is sat by the side of the bed holding his hand. He looks at her and in a weak voice said:
"Mary! Do you remember 60 years ago when we got married? I'd just started that business venture that went bust and we lost all our money and became destitute. You didn't leave me did you...you were there with me through it all".
Mary: "That's because I loved you".
Man:".....and you remember a few years later, when we started another business and my partner ran off with all the money and left us with nothing? You were there then too weren't you"?
Mary: "I stayed because I loved you".
Man: ".......and do you remember that after I clawed my way back to the top, we had a nice house but that fire destroyed everything. I'd forgotten to pay the insurance payment and we lost everything again"? You were there through it all weren't you Mary"?
Mary: "I forgave you everything because I loved you so much".
Man: "........but I came back didn't I Mary and became rich again...until I got caught for tax evasion and spent 5 years in jail...you were there then too weren't you"?
Mary: ".......because I loved you"!
The tears welled up in the mans eye's as he looked at his wife...and he began to sob. "You know what Mary", he said, "you've been a freakin' jinks ever since I've known you"!!!!!
Ok I'll play This might be more stupid than funny. In the book of Acts the disciples drove a Honda What? Yea, they were "all in one accord."
That is adorable, I love that.
Okay...so a mama is playing with her son at the beach. Suddenly a huge tidal wave comes and sweeps the baby out to sea.
The woman falls on her knees, praying. "Dear God! Please bring my son back to me! He's only a baby. God, please, I swear to you that if you deliver my son back to me, I will NEVER ask you for anything again."
And the wave comes back, rolling gently, with the baby atop it, and sets the baby gently back down on the shore.
The woman picks up the baby and kisses him. Then she turns her eyes heavenward again and snaps, "He had a hat."
Last edited by JerZ; 05-26-2007 at 11:38 AM..
Reason: ms
A man went to his bank to get a loan for his new business venture:
Bank Manager: "Before I can give you a loan I'll need to know a little about the venture you are going to use the money for".
Man: " I going to start a cheese factory".
Manager: Where will the factory be"?
Man: "Cheddar".
Manager: "What will you call the product"?
Man: "Cheddar Cheese".
Manager: "...but there is already a cheese called Cheddar. You'll have to think of a new name for your cheese before I can give you a loan. Have a think about it and come back tomorrow".
The next day the man was back.
Manager: "Now! Have you thought about it"?
Man: "Yes, I'm still going to make a new cheese".
Manager: Where will the factory be"?
Man: "In Gloucester".
Manager: "What will you call the product"?
Man: "Gloucester Cheese"
Manager: "...but there is already a cheese called Gloucester. You'll have to think of something else for your venture. Come back tomorrow".
Next day he's back.
Manager "Well, what are you going to do"?
Man: "I'm still going to make cheese".
Manager: "I see! So where will your factory be this time"?
Man: "Bethlehem".
Manager: "Bethlehem! Interesting"!! And what are you going to call this new cheese"?
In North Ireland a Protestant man married a Catholic woman. After their marriage he decided to covert to the Catholic church. So he went to the preist and took instructions and was later confirmed Catholic.
He had one problem however. He couldn't get it into his skull that he was a Catholic man, and no longer a Protestant. This became such a problem that he returned to the priest and asked for some advice. The priest told him that if he was to repeat the phrase "I'm a Catholic, not a Protestant" enough times the idea might penetrate his thick skull. The man left mumbling to himself, "I'm a Catholic, not a Protestant. I'm a Catholic, not a Protestant."
The next Friday the priest decided to visit the newlyweds. He knocked on the door and was greeted by the wife. When he stepped in, he smelled something that should not be in a Catholic's home on a Friday. He asked the wife where her husband was, and she replied that he was in the kitchen. The priest walked into the kitchen and saw the man pouring thick brown gravy on a thick hunk of roast beef. Agast, the priest was about to explode when he heard the man mumble, "You're a trout, not a cow. You're a trout, not a cow."
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God, was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused away. They did spreadsheets, they wrote reports, they sent faxes, they sent out e-mail, they sent out e-mail with attachments, they downloaded, they did some genealogy reports, they made cards, they did every known job. But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, a lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. And of course the electricity went off.
Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed and he ranted and raved, all to no avail. The electricity stayed off. But after a bit, the rains stopped and the electricity came back on. Satan screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus' work?"
Jesus just sat and smiled. Again Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done. As Jesus turned his computer back on the screen glowed and when he pushed "print it", it was all there. "How did he do it." Satan asked? God smiled and said, "Jesus Saves."
If this were a contest he would definitely win if I were judging..I am literally in pain here from laughing..The greandkids are a little scared for me
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This might be more stupid than funny. In the book of Acts the disciples drove a Honda What? Yea, they were "all in one accord." 
Plad is ahead at the moment
