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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at
the airport. It was after midnight.
While en-route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness
as he suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch
her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited our money. He paid for the new golf clubs I bought you. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket……. before he
catches a cold.
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favourite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favourite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mum! My favourite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favourite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favourite!
11pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favourite!
CAT'S DIARY
Day 483 of my captivity...
My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture. Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair. I must remember to try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, that did not work according to plan...
This evening there was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and how I may use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I have patience, I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face. With both hands. "Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The
robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "About 150," and the robot proceeds to make
conversation
about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality,
biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory,
nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around,
and
comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the
perfectly
prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "About 100." Immediately the robot starts talking,
but
this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, cars, beer, guns, and
breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot
one
more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks,
"What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
An lawyer got home late one evening after a very stressful day of
trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was
due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for
clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and
depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him.
"What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and
on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot
soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution
and would not be hanged that night after all.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband's rear end and private parts as he was bent over naked drying
his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
"FOR GOODNESS SAKE WOMAN! DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!!"
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he
comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds
to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell
of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and
dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
"Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water
again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of
the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
in the water again--but this time holds him down for about 30
seconds-- and when he begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls
him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have
you found Jesus ?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath--and says to the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' ...........and he sat up all night watching me."
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is prat cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following
chain of events are put into motion:
1. The woman does the shopping.
2. The woman makes the salad, vegetables and
dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and
cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the situation.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.....(and so they should!)
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
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