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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the
Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hairdryer that is well
Over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there
anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes
perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not
lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a
Woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
The boy turns and whispers back, "How come you didn't tell me that your father was a pharmacist."
Three women went to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation,
got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be
executed, though none of them can remember what they did the night
before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and
asked if she has any last words. She said, "I just graduated from
Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to
intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They threw the switch and
nothing happened. They immediately fell to the floor on their
knees; begging for her forgiveness, and released her.
The second one, a brunette, was strapped in and her last words were,
"I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the
power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They threw
the switch and, again, nothing happened. They fell to their knees;
begged for her forgiveness, and released her.
The last one, a blonde, was strapped in and said, "Well, I'm from the
University of Arkansas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical
Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute
nobody if you don't plug this thang in!"
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, she thought she'd have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she wasn't around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new babe who had just arrived.
She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they did it all! Zowie! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening had been? He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes I do," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller behind you, Jesus."
10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.
9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.
8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.
7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!
6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.
5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.
4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."
3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.
2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.
1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.
………..and just to even things up!
You might be a fundamentalist atheist if...
You became an atheist when you were 10 years old, based on ideas of God that you learned in Sunday School. Your ideas about God haven't changed since.
You consistently deny the existence of God because you personally have never seen him but you reject out of hand personal testimony from theists who claim to have experienced God as a reality in their lives.
You call a view held by less than ten percent of the American public "common sense".
You're a spoiled fifteen year old boy who lives in the suburbs and you go into a chat room to declare that, "I know there is no God because no loving God would allow anyone to suffer as much as I...hold on. My cell phone's ringing."
You believe that if something cannot be touched, seen, heard, or measured in some way, then it must not exist, yet you fail to see the irony of your calling Christians "narrow-minded".
You have recently stuck a Darwin fish on your car in the hopes the people with the Jesus fish on theirs will be offended.
You think it's entirely possible for documents dated to the 10th century to have been forged in the 14th.
You apparently think the first century AD was in the Stone Age, since you refer to Christianity as "Stone Age beliefs".
Missionaries who give up their personal comfort to aid starving, impoverished and persecuted third-world people are actually "corrupting ancient tribal cultures with western religious dogma", while you sit at home and complain about the price of KFC.
You lump all Christians in with whatever religious fruitcake is the flavour of the month, while living with the delusion that there are no atheistic weirdos out there.
You get angry when Christians tell you you're going to a place that you don't think exists.
You think Christians are narrow-minded for believing in only one religion, but atheists are open-minded for believing in absolutely none.
You feel that Christians who go into atheist chat rooms are "shoving their beliefs down people's throats", and that atheists who go into Christian chat rooms are only trying to educate.
You're convinced that all Christians are idiots. But when you meet the "rare" Christian who's clearly intelligent, you can only conclude that he was fooled into believing...by the idiots.
You object to any mention of "God" and "Jesus" in the media and education systems — except as swear words.
Archaeology continually frustrates your attempts to find errors and contradictions in the Bible, but you continually use the same outdated accusations anyway since you're running out of material.
You believe that priests are only in it for the money, despite the fact that they make less than almost anyone else with their level of education.
Although you are a 'free-thinker' and 'rational' person, you lose all reason when reading The Bible.
You consider "Ha, ha, ha" a substantive rebuttal to an argument.
You believe any person who writes a book critical of Christianity is doing it for "education" purposes. Conversely, you believe that any person who writes a book defending Christianity is "just in it to make money."
And Finally...
...you might be a fundamentalist atheist if...
...You can't believe in a book that was created over two thousand years ago because "we're not sure WHAT happened", but you know for a fact that religion was created tens of thousands of years ago specifically to control the brainwashed public.
2 men were shipwrecked on a desert island. One was a churchgoer the other was not. The minute they arrived on the island the nonchurchgoer began to scream hysterically "we're going to die! There is no food! No water! We're going to die! The churchgoer was calm cool and collected...he was just chillin relaxing under a shade tree, but this drove the other guy abosolutely nuts. He said whats wrong with u? Don't u understand the seriousness of the situation? We ar going to die...we are stranded on the island...we have no food...no water...we are going to die! U don't understand said the churchgoer. I make $100,000 a week. What does that have to do with anything said the nonchurchgoer? Your money is no good here on this desert island. We need food and water...we're going to die! The churchgoer just calmly smiled and said u just don't get it do u? I make $100,000 a week and I tithe faithfully. My pastor will find me! Now that is funny
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When the "Thithe" Comes In
"we're going to die! There is no food! No water! We're going to die! The churchgoer was calm cool
and collected...he was just chillin relaxing under a shade tree, but this drove the other guy abosolutely nuts.
He said whats wrong with u? Don't u understand the seriousness of the situation? We ar going to die...we are stranded on the island...we have no food...no water...we are going to die! U don't understand said the churchgoer. I make $100,000 a week. What does that have to do with anything said the nonchurchgoer? Your money is no good here on this desert island. We need food and water...we're going to die! The churchgoer just calmly smiled and said u just don't get it do u? I make $100,000 a week and I tithe faithfully. My pastor will find me!
