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A man goes in to see the doctor with his wife and after a rather long wait, the doctor finally arrives. the man is just beside himself with good news, he says" doc, you wont believe whats been happning to me, I still have a little pain, but guess what?? every time I get up in the middle of the night, God turns the bathroom light on for me, every single time!" Wow says the doc, he quickly writes down some notes and calmly ask Mr Jones to step outside so he can talk to his wife. The doc says, "ms jones is this true, does he really think God is turning the light on for him?" Well yes she replied, the light comes on alright, because that old dummy has been urinating in the refrigerator again!!
Hope thats not too bad, hope everyone has a gr8 MEM day!! ARGUY
My black friend had 3 arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
My Jewish friend had 3 arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 30.
3. He was sure His Mother was a virgin and His mother was sure He was God.
My Italian friend gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
My California friends had 3 arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
My Irish friend then gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But my lady friend had most compelling evidence that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.
>>A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the
> > younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst
> > out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
> >
> > An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him
> > her story.
> >
> > After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older
> > doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was
> > writing on his clipboard.
> >
> > What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 62
> > years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her
> > she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and without looking
> > up said, Does she still have the hiccups?"
Questions answered correctly by a five year old but missed by adults think of an answer to each one before you take a peek at the five year olds answeres.
1. How do you get a elephant into a refridgerator?
2. the king of the jungle has a meeting and all the animals were there but one, which one was it?
3. your in the jungle and come to a alligator infested stream, how do you get across?
5 year answers 1. open the door and put him in
2. the elepant, hes still in the fridge
3. just wade across, the alligators are all at the meeting held by the king of the jungle.
> As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to
> > > hold a grave side service for a derelict man who had died
> > > while traveling through the area with no family or friends.
> > > The funeral was held way back in the country. This man
> > > would be the first to be laid to rest at this cemetery. As
> > > I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost.
> > > Being the typical man I didn't stop for directions. But I
> > > finally arrived an hour late, I saw the crew and backhoe,
> > > but the hearse was no where in sight.
> > > The workmen were eating lunch.
> > >
> > > I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, (who looked
> > > puzzled) I stepped to the side of the open grave, to find
> > > the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I
> > > would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to
> > > do.
> > >
> > > As the workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.
> > > I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers
> > > began to say "Amen,. Praise the Lord and Glory, (they must
> > > have been Baptist). I preached, and I preached, like I'd
> > > never preached before. I began from Genesis all the way
> > > to Revelation. I preached for two hours and 45 minutes.
> > > It was a long and lengthy service. I closed in prayer and
> > > it was finished.
> > >
> > > As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my duty
> > > and would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedica-
> > > tion, in spite of my tardiness.
> > >
> > > As I was opening the door and taking off my coat. I over-
> > > heard one of the workers saying to another. I've been
> > > putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never
> > > seen anything like this before.
A guy is sat in a pub. There's another guy sat on a bar stool and every single person that comes into the pub says to the guy on the stool "Hey Dave!! How are you doing? Nice to see you".
This goes on all night and, intrigued, at the end of the evening the guy at the table approaches Dave and says "You sure are popular. Everyone seems to know you".
"Yep!" says Dave, "Everyone knows me and I know everyone".
"I bet you don't know EVERYONE" says the man.
"I bet I do" says Dave.
"OK"! says the man, "I bet you don't know.....Ummmm!.....The Pope"!!
"I'll bet you $10,000 that I do" says Dave "If you're up for the bet, meet me here tomorrow and we'll go to Rome and I'll introduce you to the Pope".
Convinced that Dave was bluffing, the man accepted the bet and they met the following morning for their trip to Rome. As they got into the taxi for the airport, the driver looked around at his passengers and said "DAVE!!! Man...I haven't seen you in ages". As they travelled through town the taxi driver was blowing his car horn and shouting at people on the sidewalks "HEY EVERYONE, DAVE IS BACK" and everyone shouted back "HEY DAVE"!!
At the airport they checked in and the check-in clerk says "Nice to see you again Dave". On the plane the flight attendants and pilot all greeted Dave in the same friendly manner.
They land in Rome and called a taxi for the Vatican. The taxi pulls up and the driver say "DAVE! Essa nice to a see you". On the way to the Vatican, all the police on point-duty shout " DAVE! Howa you are"?
By now the guy is seeing his $10,000 floating away.
They arrive at the Vatican City gates and stop at the police check.The policman looks into the car and say "Hey Dave. Howa you are? Are you comma to seea El Papa"?
"Sure have" says Dave "I've brought a friend to meet him too".
"Issa no possible fora yo friend. Issa security. You can go, he wait".
"Ok" says Dave to his new friend. "You wait here and if you look up at that balcony, I'll come out with the Pope and that will prove that I know him".
The man waits amongst the thousands peering up at the balcony and suddenly the huge crown erupts in cheering as two tiny specks appear on the distant balcony. Two Japanese tourists were standing behind the man, looking through binoculars and he heard one say to the other "Is it him"??
"Yes" says the other.............but who the heck is that with Dave"??
Three men were at a job site, and all took their lunch breaKS together and had for about five years, each one bringing their own lunch since there were no places to eat nearby. One day Joe, Fred, and Billy all sit down to eat on the edge of the 25 story ledge, Joe opened his lunch and looked at his sandwich and said, hAM AND cheese, i am so tired of ham and cheese, if my wife fixes me ham and cheese tomorrow, Im gonna jump off here. Fred opened his lunch box, and said tuna fish, I am so tired of tuna fish, Im with you Joe, if my wife fixes me tuna again tomorrow, Im gonna jump too!!, Billy opened his lunch and said Peanut butter!! i am so sick of pb, if peanut butter is in here tomomorrow Im jumping too!!. The nest day at lunch, joe opened his lunch,saw it was ham and cheese and jumped off. Fred opened his lunch and saw it was tuna, and he jumped. Finally Billy opened his lunch, saw that it was peanut butter and jumped as well.
The company had a triple funeral for the workers and the wifes gathered together and joes wife said, if i had only saw that he needed something diff to eat, maybe i wud have fixed something else, Fred wife shook her head in disbelief and said, me too, i never knew he didnt like tuna. Billys wife shook her head in disbeif too and said Billys always fixed his own lunch.
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord have mercy, I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband that’s against the law and I’ll lose my license and they’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not, you CAN NOT have any cyanide!” Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: “Well, heck you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
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