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Old 07-01-2007, 02:07 PM
 
25,082 posts, read 14,916,442 times
Reputation: 41776

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Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? Noah because he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Come on now...it's a little funny
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Old 07-04-2007, 09:31 AM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
954 posts, read 721,777 times
Reputation: 202
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is M.i.c.k Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into the back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"




The bank manager looks back at her and says....



"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are.....)


Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
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Old 07-04-2007, 09:33 AM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
954 posts, read 721,777 times
Reputation: 202
A Horse goes into a Bar. The Barman says "Why the long Face?"
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Old 07-04-2007, 09:35 AM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
954 posts, read 721,777 times
Reputation: 202
Q. How does Santa like his pizzas?

A. Deep pan crisp and even
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Old 07-04-2007, 09:37 AM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
954 posts, read 721,777 times
Reputation: 202
A few years ago, a young priest went to work in an Abbey and his first job was to copy the ancient scriptures of the bible by hand. One day he noticed a problem. All the priests, who were doing the same thing, were making copies from other copies and he went to the Abbot and told him about it.
" Father..." The young priest explained, "If there was just one mistake made then it's been repeated over and over again!"

The Abbot thanked the priest for noticing the problem and disappeared. Hours later, when no one had seen him all day, the worried priest went searching and finally found him sobbing over the original text, which had been locked away in the Monasteries safe for centuries.

" We forgot the "R"!" He kept saying, over and over.

The young priest was somewhat taken aback at his distress and said;
"Father, what's wrong?"
Tearfully, the old Abbot looked up and said;

"Celebrate......the word was celebrate"
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Old 07-04-2007, 09:38 AM
 
Location: Alabama!
5,923 posts, read 16,671,314 times
Reputation: 4529
"Celebrate, not celibate!!!"
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Old 07-04-2007, 09:39 AM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
954 posts, read 721,777 times
Reputation: 202
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and... OH NO!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
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Old 07-04-2007, 09:40 AM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
954 posts, read 721,777 times
Reputation: 202
Quote:
Originally Posted by Southlander View Post
"Celebrate, not celibate!!!"
I know, I know!!
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Old 07-04-2007, 09:42 AM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
954 posts, read 721,777 times
Reputation: 202
A goat goes into the jobcentre and asks in perfect English for some work. The amazed clerk has a look through his files and tells the goat he could try the circus.

"The circus?" says the goat "What would the circus want with a bricklayer?"
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Old 07-04-2007, 09:43 AM
 
Location: Valencia, Spain
954 posts, read 721,777 times
Reputation: 202
Tony Blair went jogging whenever he went to Chequers.

Every Day he would jog past a prostitute standing on the same corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow "Fifty pounds!" she would shout from the kerb.

No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between them became a daily occurrence.
He would run by and she would yell, "Fifty pounds!"
He would yell back, "Fiver!"

One day Cherie Blair decided that she wanted to jog with him.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's corner, Tony realized that she would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he had really been doing on all his past outings.

He knew he would best be ready with a darn good explanation for the,"missus".

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,

Tony became more apprehensive than normal. Sure enough there was the tart.

Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then from the pavement the tart yelled:

”There you go Tony. See what you get for a fiver!"
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