Let's Hear Some Nice Clean Jokes! (hell, bishop, service, Earth)

[Blueberry]

Cemetery Shortcut

One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”

“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!"

[Blueberry]

Satan in Church

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny
town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local
church. Before the services started, the townspeople were
sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their
families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for
one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not
moving . . . seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man
and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't,"
said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why
aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for
over 48 years!"

[Blueberry]

I made myself a snowball,
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet,
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas,
And a pillow for its head,
Then, last night it ran away,
But first...it wet the bed!

[Blueberry]

A Redneck Love Poem

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk, a flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger.
That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and so couth.

But for this man, honey, these jist won't do,
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds......
It's a New Troll'n Motor!!

[pladecalvo]

A man was feeling a bit lonely and he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So, off he went the pet shop and told the assistant that that he particularly wanted an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the the box back home and found it a good location on the sideboard and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub. He tapped on the box with his finger and asked "Would you like to come to the pub for the evening?"

There was no answer, so he tapped again. "I said, would you like to come to the pub for the evening?". Still no answer.

He waited a few moments and again asked, "Hey Centi! How about we go down the pub?" Still no answer.

The man decided to ask one last time. So putting is face right up against the box and shouts "Hey dude! I'm going to the pub, do you want to come with me?"

A little voice came from the box. "OK! OK!, I heard you the first time. I'm putting my bloody shoes on".

[pladecalvo]

A young couple get married and the guy asks his bride if he could have a dresser draw of his own that she would never open. The wife agrees.

After 40 years of marriage the wife notices that her husband had left his 'special' draw open by mistake. The temptation was too much and she had a look inside. She found 2 golf balls and $1,000. She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation.

He explains " Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the draw".

She considers that twice in 40 years wasn't so bad and asks "What about the $1,000".

He confesses "Everytime I got a dozen golf balls I sold them".

[pladecalvo]

An elderly couple were taking a stroll in the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting before they were married. Excited by this, they decide to make love against the fence again as they used to when they were young. They do so with their arm and legs flailing wildly.

When they had finished the woman says "Wow! You never made love to me like that 50 years ago", to which he replied "Well, 50 years ago, that fence wasn't electrified ".

[pladecalvo]

Chicken: "I would love to get to the top of that tree but I just haven't got the energy".

Bull: "Well why don't you eat some of my dung? It's packed with proteins and nutrients and will give you lots of energy".

The chicken eats some dung and finds that it did actually give her enough energy to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day after eating some more of the dung, she reaches the second branch. Finally, after a week of eating the dung, there she is proudly sat at the top of the tree. Unfortunately, she was spotted by the farmer, who shoots her out of the tree.

The moral of the story:

Bulls**t might get you to the top but it won't keep you there!

[pladecalvo]

A family was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked the deer stakes and served the deer to the family. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was they were eating.

"Is it beef?" asked Kate, the daughter.

"Nope" said the father.

"Is it pork?" asked Johnny, the son.

"Nope" said the father. "I'll give you a clue. It's what your Mother sometimes calls me".

"Spit it out Johnny!" cried Kate, "We're eating a**hole!!"

[JerZ]

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm laughing so hard at all these jokes, my husband just asked me if I was okay!!!!!

I loved the one about Beethoven.