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Old 03-18-2010, 01:07 AM
 
Location: On the dark side of the Moon
9,932 posts, read 11,885,853 times
Reputation: 9127

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This forum is in dire need of some humor. Things get way too heavy around here sometimes.

Every time you see this ****, fill in the four-letter, s-word, that rhymes with mitt.


RELIGIONS OF THE WORLD(in a nutshell!)


Taoism: **** happens

Hinduism: This **** happened before

Islam: If **** happens, take a hostage

Buddhism: When **** happens, is it really ****?

7th day Adventist: **** happens on Saturday

Protestantism: **** won't happen if I work harder

Catholicism: If **** happens, I deserve it

Jehovah's Witness: Knock, Knock, "**** happens"

Judaism: Why does **** always happen to me?

Hare Krishna: **** happens, Rama Rama Ding Dong

Atheism: No ****

T.V. Evangelism: Send more ****

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this ****
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Old 03-18-2010, 01:15 AM
 
Location: Victoria, BC.
30,047 posts, read 30,818,279 times
Reputation: 12226
Here are some Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins.

Don't let worry kill you -- Let the church help.

Thursday night -- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:-00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water," One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" -- come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Old 03-18-2010, 01:27 AM
 
Location: On the dark side of the Moon
9,932 posts, read 11,885,853 times
Reputation: 9127
^!!!

The last one is a real hoot!
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Old 03-18-2010, 05:31 AM
 
35,262 posts, read 9,137,680 times
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Thanks sans. I hadn't seen those before.
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Old 03-18-2010, 10:44 AM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 24,805,084 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by saucywench View Post
This forum is in dire need of some humor. Things get way too heavy around here sometimes.

Every time you see this ****, fill in the four-letter, s-word, that rhymes with mitt.


RELIGIONS OF THE WORLD(in a nutshell!)


Taoism: **** happens

Hinduism: This **** happened before

Islam: If **** happens, take a hostage

Buddhism: When **** happens, is it really ****?

7th day Adventist: **** happens on Saturday

Protestantism: **** won't happen if I work harder

Catholicism: If **** happens, I deserve it

Jehovah's Witness: Knock, Knock, "**** happens"

Judaism: Why does **** always happen to me?

Hare Krishna: **** happens, Rama Rama Ding Dong

Atheism: No ****

T.V. Evangelism: Send more ****

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this ****
Saucy, this needs some minor corrections

Taoism: **** ping wang hwuang

Islam: Ishallah, **** happens (that translates as Allah's will)

Buddhism: When **** happens, smell it, enjoy it and meditate

Protestantism: When **** happens, attack Mary and the Saints

Catholicism: If **** happens, cover it up (tribute to cncracer )

Judaism: If **** happens, bring up the holocaust

7th day Adv...: Babylon **** happens on Sundays
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Old 03-18-2010, 10:48 AM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,633 posts, read 29,410,097 times
Reputation: 21607
Quote:
Originally Posted by saucywench View Post
This forum is in dire need of some humor. Things get way too heavy around here sometimes.

Every time you see this ****, fill in the four-letter, s-word, that rhymes with mitt.


RELIGIONS OF THE WORLD(in a nutshell!)


Taoism: **** happens

Hinduism: This **** happened before

Islam: If **** happens, take a hostage

Buddhism: When **** happens, is it really ****?

7th day Adventist: **** happens on Saturday

Protestantism: **** won't happen if I work harder

Catholicism: If **** happens, I deserve it

Jehovah's Witness: Knock, Knock, "**** happens"

Judaism: Why does **** always happen to me?

Hare Krishna: **** happens, Rama Rama Ding Dong

Atheism: No ****

T.V. Evangelism: Send more ****

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this ****
ha ha the post before me beat me to my own answer. LOL

20yrsinBranson
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Old 03-18-2010, 01:40 PM
 
Location: Victoria, BC.
30,047 posts, read 30,818,279 times
Reputation: 12226
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest cough to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."
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Old 03-18-2010, 01:52 PM
 
2,893 posts, read 5,183,931 times
Reputation: 1973
Why Worry?

There are only two things you ever really have to worry about; either you are well, or you are sick.

If you are well, you have nothing to worry about. If you are sick, you only have two things to worry about; either you will get well, or you will die.

If you get well, you have nothing to worry about. If you die, you only have two things to worry about; either you will go to Heaven, or you will go to Hell.

If you go to Heaven, you have nothing to worry about. If you go to Hell, you'll be too busy shaking hands with friends to worry.

So why worry?
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Old 03-19-2010, 01:30 AM
 
Location: On the dark side of the Moon
9,932 posts, read 11,885,853 times
Reputation: 9127
Great stuff everyone!

Add these to Post #1. I made them up.

Paganism: **** happens in the woods

Southern Baptist: **** happens, then you burn in eternal hellfire
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Old 03-19-2010, 01:39 AM
 
5,905 posts, read 5,096,178 times
Reputation: 4534
Quote:
Originally Posted by saucywench View Post
Great stuff everyone!

Add these to Post #1. I made them up.

Paganism: **** happens in the woods

Southern Baptist: **** happens, then you burn in eternal hellfire
Yes!!!



Some pagan humor:

Never summon Anything you can't banish.

When proposing to initiate someone, do not mention the Great Rite, leer, and say, "Hey, your trad or mine?"

Never laugh at someone who is skyclad. They can see you, too.

Never, ever set the Witch on fire.

Watch where you wave the sharp pointy items.

Blood is thicker than water. Soak ritual garments an extra 30-45 minutes.

While drunken weaving may be mistaken for ecstatic dancing, slurring the names of Deities is generally considered bad form.

http://www.ecauldron.net/humor11.php
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