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Old 07-01-2012, 09:50 AM
 
Location: Great State of Texas
86,052 posts, read 84,107,183 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
Bottom line...it is not living on a manicured golf course that will make you happy in retirement, it is being near the people who you love and have a history with. The old saying that, "It takes a lifetime to grow an old friend", is so true.
Having lifelong friendships is not a retirement priority for all though. If that is your priority then you shouldn't even be thinking of moving away from where you are now.

Different people have different priorities. To some, retirement is like staring over and moving gives them a fresh, clean slate.

To some it's "loneliness" but to others it's "solitude".
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Old 07-01-2012, 10:37 AM
 
Location: Lexington, SC
4,281 posts, read 12,615,548 times
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One of the most common things I have seen in people moving back home or to where there kids are, is the women wanting to be part of raising her daughters children. Usually not her sons children as her daughter in law will not go for it. She wants her hubby away from his Mommy.

Rarely is it the man. Many men just shrug their shoulders and do it to keep her happy.

Let the flaming begin.....LOL
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Old 07-01-2012, 10:42 AM
 
Location: Toronto, Ottawa Valley & Dunedin FL
1,409 posts, read 2,728,515 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Avalon08 View Post
... Turns out, the baby-boomers have taken over the development! And they are having a ball. Some are snowbirds, and some live full-time, but they all love it, have developed friendships and participate as much or as little as they want in the community activities.
This is happening in our development too. We've only spent 5 months there so far, so we're just scratching the surface of meeting people, but I can see the "younger generation" taking over gradually.

Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyTexan View Post
Having lifelong friendships is not a retirement priority for all though. If that is your priority then you shouldn't even be thinking of moving away from where you are now.

Different people have different priorities. To some, retirement is like staring over and moving gives them a fresh, clean slate.

To some it's "loneliness" but to others it's "solitude".
Yes, that's true. also, "individual experience may vary"! Yes, we have lots of friends at home, but are finding it quite easy to make new ones.

Quote:
Originally Posted by accufitgolf View Post
Rarely is it the man. Many men just shrug their shoulders and do it to keep her happy.
Hmm. No flaming, just don't think it's true. Not for us. I also can think of a counter-example where the wife wants to move to Uruguay, and the husband wants to be closer to his kids.
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Old 07-01-2012, 12:18 PM
Status: "Octopi tastes like snake" (set 10 days ago)
 
Location: in the miseries
3,573 posts, read 4,482,919 times
Reputation: 4400
as I have said before my brother and sister live in The Villages. They both love it; even though they
are very different. My brother plays in a jazz group. I don't know if anyone mentioned the
dancing in the streets. Anyone may participate and it's fun. He sometimes plays in the square where
many things happen. Flea markets, different dance groups every night. i would say probably 50% of
the residents go home for the summer.
My sister is more of a pool person and has met many different people in the pool. One has to be a
little bit friendly. I like the way everyone must keep up their properties; it's better for the
community. Also in the manufactured home area there is more flexibility.
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Old 07-02-2012, 12:26 PM
 
13,721 posts, read 19,117,142 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by accufitgolf View Post
One of the most common things I have seen in people moving back home or to where there kids are, is the women wanting to be part of raising her daughters children. Usually not her sons children as her daughter in law will not go for it. She wants her hubby away from his Mommy.

Rarely is it the man. Many men just shrug their shoulders and do it to keep her happy.

Let the flaming begin.....LOL
My dad is the one who wanted to move to be closer to the kids. In retrospect, I wish they hadn't done that. They didn't move that close to us; it was an hour and 15 minutes one way from me and the same for my brother (who lived somewhere else). It was closer than they had been (four hours away), but still not close enough for us to see them all the time, which is what my dad had envisioned happening. We were (are) still working, had our own kids in college, had jobs and a house to take care of. After they moved, we spent every holiday, every birthday, and lots of Saturday or Sundays with my parents, but my dad still felt like we weren't spending enough time with them. They were retired, so I understand that it seemed to them like it wasn't a lot of time, but it took a lot of our available time.

The reason I say that I wish they hadn't moved closer that they left they home and land that they loved, neighbors and friends that they loved, a church that they loved, all to be closer to us. There is no way we could make up for everything they gave up to move closer. My dad thought we'd be spending all our time away from work with them, and that just wasn't possible, and I felt guilty that they gave up everything to move closer and we DIDN'T spend all our time with them. We neglected our own house because we felt like we should be spending time with them - so on Saturdays when we would have been working around the house, we traveled the 2-1/2 hours round trip to spend time with them. They lived for 6-7 years after their move, but I don't think they were ever really happy after they moved.

Anyway, this is off topic but wanted to respond that it's not always women who want to move closer, and that it's not necessarily a good thing to move closer and give up your whole life to be near your kids.
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Old 07-02-2012, 01:55 PM
 
9,470 posts, read 9,311,677 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luzianne View Post
My dad is the one who wanted to move to be closer to the kids. In retrospect, I wish they hadn't done that. They didn't move that close to us; it was an hour and 15 minutes one way from me and the same for my brother (who lived somewhere else). It was closer than they had been (four hours away), but still not close enough for us to see them all the time, which is what my dad had envisioned happening. We were (are) still working, had our own kids in college, had jobs and a house to take care of. After they moved, we spent every holiday, every birthday, and lots of Saturday or Sundays with my parents, but my dad still felt like we weren't spending enough time with them. They were retired, so I understand that it seemed to them like it wasn't a lot of time, but it took a lot of our available time.

The reason I say that I wish they hadn't moved closer that they left they home and land that they loved, neighbors and friends that they loved, a church that they loved, all to be closer to us. There is no way we could make up for everything they gave up to move closer. My dad thought we'd be spending all our time away from work with them, and that just wasn't possible, and I felt guilty that they gave up everything to move closer and we DIDN'T spend all our time with them. We neglected our own house because we felt like we should be spending time with them - so on Saturdays when we would have been working around the house, we traveled the 2-1/2 hours round trip to spend time with them. They lived for 6-7 years after their move, but I don't think they were ever really happy after they moved.

Anyway, this is off topic but wanted to respond that it's not always women who want to move closer, and that it's not necessarily a good thing to move closer and give up your whole life to be near your kids.
Moving Close to the Kids
I totally agree. I won't go into the particulars, but we left a fun life with lots of friends and acquaintances to move closer to grandkids. We have never fit in here in this area, and the grandkids are now a teen and a "tween." The are losing interest in the grandparents, as all kids eventually do. Daughter really tries with us, but she's busy and has a life of her own, as she should. So what do we do now? Real estate is terrible and it would be very difficult to sell our house at this time.

So we stay here and are fixing everything in the house so it will eventually sell. But then what? Start over again and hope we make a good decision? We visited the Villages in the summer one year. It was so dead and there was a restaurant full of very elderly at 4 pm eating dinner. It's beautiful there but I know the politics of the Morse family and the CDD's, etc. So we are looking at other 55+ and hope that when we find one that seems suited to us that we'll be able to build a life again. Hope we are not too old to do it by then!!
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Old 07-02-2012, 07:23 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,017 posts, read 20,829,221 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luzianne View Post
My dad is the one who wanted to move to be closer to the kids. In retrospect, I wish they hadn't done that. They didn't move that close to us; it was an hour and 15 minutes one way from me and the same for my brother (who lived somewhere else). It was closer than they had been (four hours away), but still not close enough for us to see them all the time, which is what my dad had envisioned happening. We were (are) still working, had our own kids in college, had jobs and a house to take care of. After they moved, we spent every holiday, every birthday, and lots of Saturday or Sundays with my parents, but my dad still felt like we weren't spending enough time with them. They were retired, so I understand that it seemed to them like it wasn't a lot of time, but it took a lot of our available time.

The reason I say that I wish they hadn't moved closer that they left they home and land that they loved, neighbors and friends that they loved, a church that they loved, all to be closer to us. There is no way we could make up for everything they gave up to move closer. My dad thought we'd be spending all our time away from work with them, and that just wasn't possible, and I felt guilty that they gave up everything to move closer and we DIDN'T spend all our time with them. We neglected our own house because we felt like we should be spending time with them - so on Saturdays when we would have been working around the house, we traveled the 2-1/2 hours round trip to spend time with them. They lived for 6-7 years after their move, but I don't think they were ever really happy after they moved.

Anyway, this is off topic but wanted to respond that it's not always women who want to move closer, and that it's not necessarily a good thing to move closer and give up your whole life to be near your kids.
The above is a fascinating little family tome. Having different, and perhaps unspoken, expectations can be a source of much misunderstanding and unhappiness. It is interesting that, for you dad at least, the home, neighbors, and church that he loved still left a partial void that he wanted to fill by having family around during all of the family's free time. That is unrealistic, of course, as you pointed out.

I am curious if you saw this coming and recommended against your parents' move? I know that would be a bit of a touchy subject; how do you say "We don't really want you closer because you are too clingy and demanding" without causing hard feelings? Or perhaps you didn't realize exactly what your dad's expectations and desires would be once he got settled in closer to you? In any case it seems you were caught between a rock and a hard place.

These family relationships and dynamics are endlessly fascinating, partly because they differ so much not only from culture to culture but also from family to family within the same culture. Thanks for posting.
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Old 07-02-2012, 09:41 PM
 
13,721 posts, read 19,117,142 times
Reputation: 16969
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
I am curious if you saw this coming and recommended against your parents' move? I know that would be a bit of a touchy subject; how do you say "We don't really want you closer because you are too clingy and demanding" without causing hard feelings? Or perhaps you didn't realize exactly what your dad's expectations and desires would be once he got settled in closer to you? In any case it seems you were caught between a rock and a hard place.
I didn't realize ahead of time what his expectations would be. I thought he wanted to spend more time with us, but I didn't realize he was going to feel neglected if we didn't spend every weekend with them. I really didn't realize it until they had lived there for a year and he commented to me that they didn't see us much. I was surprised. I said "Dad, we have spent every holiday, every birthday, and lots of weekends with you in the last year!" But for him, it wasn't enough. It might have been better if they had lived in the same town as us where we could stop by or they could stop by every few days, but then that might have led to even more expectations for us to be around all the time. They did find a new church and made some new friends, but I know it was never like the church and friends they left.

Anyway, what I learned from that is NOT to give up my life to be near my kids when I get older. If we happen to live in the same place, that's fine. But I wouldn't move to be near them, or give up my life/friends to be near them and hope they had time for me. I can't expect them to be my life. I know my dad, in earlier years, knew that. In his defense, I think he knew for the last few years that he didn't have a lot of time left (we did not know; he never let any of us know), and I think he was desperately trying to spend as much time with us as he could.

Last edited by luzianne; 07-02-2012 at 09:49 PM..
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Old 07-02-2012, 11:42 PM
 
Location: SW Florida
5,586 posts, read 8,345,208 times
Reputation: 11210
Quote:
Originally Posted by staywarm2 View Post
Moving Close to the Kids
I totally agree. I won't go into the particulars, but we left a fun life with lots of friends and acquaintances to move closer to grandkids. We have never fit in here in this area, and the grandkids are now a teen and a "tween." The are losing interest in the grandparents, as all kids eventually do. Daughter really tries with us, but she's busy and has a life of her own, as she should. So what do we do now? Real estate is terrible and it would be very difficult to sell our house at this time.

So we stay here and are fixing everything in the house so it will eventually sell. But then what? Start over again and hope we make a good decision? We visited the Villages in the summer one year. It was so dead and there was a restaurant full of very elderly at 4 pm eating dinner. It's beautiful there but I know the politics of the Morse family and the CDD's, etc. So we are looking at other 55+ and hope that when we find one that seems suited to us that we'll be able to build a life again. Hope we are not too old to do it by then!!
At the community where my (late) Mom lived (the one I said has been taken over by the baby-boomers), it's very quiet in the summer too. I think you'll find that at any over-55 community in FL, but the snowbirds start coming back around Oct. I get what you're saying about The Villages and that's one of the reasons I couldn't live there; the other being that it's too far inland. I need to be able to see an ocean, hear the seagulls, walk along a beach, watch a sunset over the water. DM me if you'd like more info on the area where my Mom's place is. She just kind of "fell into it" and ended up being very happy there.
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Old 07-03-2012, 06:36 AM
 
4,423 posts, read 7,327,528 times
Reputation: 10933
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyTexan View Post
Having lifelong friendships is not a retirement priority for all though. If that is your priority then you shouldn't even be thinking of moving away from where you are now.

Different people have different priorities. To some, retirement is like staring over and moving gives them a fresh, clean slate.

To some it's "loneliness" but to others it's "solitude".
I agree with HappyTexan. The thrill of new friendships is great! Old friendships are great too but people don't stay the same. We moved away from our family state about 15 years ago and I left behind my friend of 30 years. We lunched once a week, we talked about anything and everything, and I missed her. Now I'm back and we've both changed so much. She works in a tiny gift shop about a block from her house and that's her world. She's in bed by 8 pm and we don't have much to share these days. I'll always miss my old friend even though we now live in close proximity to each other.
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