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Old 12-22-2011, 09:15 AM
 
Location: delaware
698 posts, read 922,856 times
Reputation: 2423

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Quote:
Originally Posted by accufitgolf View Post
My wife was 32 when we married. She had never been married and never had children. She had spent her time and money getting an education and was working in a field (social/medical area) she loved and one that added good to people lives. She had decided she wanted a career before I met her and having children would hold her back.

Myself I had been married and had two children. My first wife was a stay at home mom. After we divorced I realized that other then the children, how boring/routine that part of my life had been. When I met my present wife we discussed having children. That discussion lasted all of 20 seconds......LOL

We are in our late 60's now and we are very happy we made the decision not to have children.

I can also say that not having children did make our lives financially and emotionally easier.


i agree completely with your last statement. my husband and i, as we grew older, often discussed how much more difficult it would have been for us, in these two areas especialy, if we had chosen to add children to the mix. i certainly understand that there are pros and cons to being parents, but i feel that children often emotionally strain the marriage bond, as children need to be the first priority in most situations.
also, i feel that functioning as a good parent and as a good spouse require different skills. not everyone can do both well and not everyone chooses to do so.

catsy girl
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Old 12-22-2011, 03:39 PM
 
12,671 posts, read 21,803,410 times
Reputation: 2643
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aqua Blue View Post
I didn't want any!
I don't either but I like kids.
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Old 12-22-2011, 03:41 PM
 
12,671 posts, read 21,803,410 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jsqueezer View Post
This can be an ugly question. Please think about it before asking, and ask yourself why you feel the need to have an answer.

Sometimes the reasons are horrifying. Not that it necessarily happened to me, and it's really nobody's business (which is my main point) but it can be because of a childhood trauma/crime. How about being raped as a 3 year old child, causing such severe damage that there is no uterus left to carry a baby. Is that a "good enough" reason? Will it help to explain to someone who insists it's the natural order of things that all women should bear children? Is everyone comfortable hearing that reason explained in polite company?

I'm not trying to be rude, but sometimes we need to stop and think before asking these kinds of questions. Do we really NEED to know the answer?
I know why I don't ever want one. You don't have to answer. It is a general question.
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Old 12-22-2011, 03:42 PM
 
12,671 posts, read 21,803,410 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minervah View Post
If this is a question directed at the child-free people on this thread, I promise I will answer if you and others will tell me why you decided to have them. Fair is fair.
I don't have kid nor I want one. I like kids though.
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Old 12-22-2011, 06:58 PM
 
Location: Lakewood OH
21,697 posts, read 25,039,454 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Texas User View Post
I don't have kid nor I want one. I like kids though.
Okay, I should not have automatically assumed your original question of why people didn't want kids was coming from someone who had or wanted to have kids because I have gotten that question so many times from so many people who did.

So to get on with it. I never had a desire to have kids even when I was one. I had a baby sister and she was cute and all that but I wasn't terribly interested in her until she got old enough to where I could communicate with her.

I never wanted to hold babies or really be around kids as I got older myself. My mom told my sisters and me she never wanted to have kids but my dad talked her into it; three times anyway.

She was unhappy being a SAHM and as soon as I was old enough to take care of my younger sister (I was in the middle) my mom went back to work and was happier than I had ever seen her. She was so unhappy raising children she never really wanted she was not an easy person to live with.

My two sisters had kids who are now all grown up. They always wanted kids and in fact became grammar school teachers. So it isn't entirely genetic to not want kids but I think I may have inherited the lack of maternal genes from my mother.

I do know some child-free people who love kids but don't want any of their own. They are perfectly happy to take care of nieces, nephews and even grandchildren of friends but at the end of the day, are equally happy to return them to their parents.

I also know school teachers who are like this as well. So you are not alone in liking kids but not wanting to have them.
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Old 12-22-2011, 08:03 PM
 
505 posts, read 635,860 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Texas User View Post
I don't either but I like kids.
I like kids too. I actually have worked with kids(nursing) most of my working life. I have nieces and nephews I love dearly. There is a young man that I believe I was very instrumental in helping not end up in prison like all of his older brothers. Many children thru the years that I think I was one of the few adults who spent any time with them.

I just happened to not want to bring any home. I think a lot of it had to do with doing a huge amount of child care as a child. I am the oldest of four, my Mom was not physically very well, she wasn't really into kids at all, Went back to work full time pretty quickly, so I got assigned child care(and cooking and cleaning....) So, I suppose in a sense I already raised my kids by the time I graduated from high school.
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Old 12-23-2011, 04:54 AM
 
15,476 posts, read 27,662,764 times
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Didn't wanna. Just don't wanna.
I think a better question is, to parents, why did you have children? Often, you get a blank look. It's like having them is some sort of assumed default program.
For the record, I don't like kids and can't stand babies or pre-verbal kids (although am very good with verbal and older kids, I find it draining and would rather not be in that position). I've never wanted to be a parent and likely lost one great guy over it, him now a bitter divorced man with a beloved teenage son. Hey, maybe he'll show up again! It's only been 20 years...
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Old 12-24-2011, 07:52 AM
 
750 posts, read 1,311,319 times
Reputation: 1825
Quote:
Originally Posted by Texas User View Post
I know why I don't ever want one. You don't have to answer. It is a general question.
I guess my point, which I apparently didn't make very well, is that sometimes questions can be intrusive.

Invasive, probing, personal questions can be taken by the addressee as rude. As in "none a yer business!"

The answers may involve very personal decisions, personal choices or experiences.

People who have children are not owed an explanation by those who do not have children. And vice-versa. Common sense should tell the questioner that if the person being grilled for an answer gives a passive or vague response, the question should be dropped and the subject changed. It doesn't mean it should be rephrased or the questioning more relentless.

I have had this happen to me, and it is not pleasant. I will avoid such interrogators in the future. They are thick and don't take social cues well. I can't trust them. In addition, I try very hard to not ask very personal questions like this. Once I get to know people well, the information sort of flows out anyway, without having to push for any information.
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Old 12-24-2011, 09:14 AM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic east coast
5,699 posts, read 10,492,290 times
Reputation: 11309
I often reflect on whether I regret having chosen to be child-free. At this time of year, when friends gather with their beloved kids, and in some cases, grandchildren, I admit, I can feel a pang of "what-if?"

But I have other friends, who despite what seems good parenting on their part, suffer with horrid problematic children (drug/alcohol problems and more) who seem beaten own by their kids and old beyond their years. Then I feel grateful to have a simple and contented life free from this suffering.

It's a complex question of choosing parenting/non-parenting, with an equal mixture of joy and pain--like most of life.

Most of the time, I'm very grateful and satisfied with my life, my talent, my dear spouse and my wonderful friends--except for certain kid-centric times such as Christmas.
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Old 12-24-2011, 10:27 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,601 posts, read 33,046,727 times
Reputation: 29158
Quote:
Originally Posted by PatRoy1 View Post
That has been my experience as well.

Men, wouldn't you know, have a much easier go of parenting. No nine months of waddling around, no breastfeeding expectations, and with the rare exception, no eighteen plus years of putting your own goals and needs on hold or at least on the back burner.

Men may ***** about how much money it costs, but their lives are enriched with sons to play (or watch) football with and daughters to walk down the aisle, etc. and they don't have to trade their own lives to get this.

Women's lives are enriched as well, but we have to trade our lives for it.

That's the difference.
I don't think it's that rare. Many of us have sacrificed much to provide for our children whether it be the ability to go and do, whether it be foregoing certain leisure pursuits because the costs for them were better spent on the family and for some, staying in jobs they disliked only because they needed the security of the earnings they provided, again for the support of the family.

While biology precluded us from fully sharing the gestation and birth processes, many of us were and are very hands-on, active and involved parents to our infants and beyond.

As for women who may have "suffered" by "putting [their] own goals and needs on hold or at least on the back burner," I find it difficult to conjure up any sympathy. In this day-and-age of medical marvels, in the vast preponderance of instances, bearing a child or children is a choice, knowingly and purposely decided upon that would have been handily preventable. If one of their goals or needs was not to have children then shame on them.
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