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Ok, so SOME married couples do cheat........what else is new? Some folks get stunned if they hear that we've both been married twice before. No "Big Day" (wedding) is fine for some, but not all of us. Some pick the wrong person for marriage than blame the entire male or female society for the bad marriage they had or have. If you have so many "what if's" in your mind about finances in your marriage, get a dang divorce and keep your money.
We believe in sharing NO MATTER WHAT!!
Ok, so SOME married couples do cheat........what else is new? Some folks get stunned if they hear that we've both been married twice before. No "Big Day" (wedding) is fine for some, but not all of us. Some pick the wrong person for marriage than blame the entire male or female society for the bad marriage they had or have. If you have so many "what if's" in your mind about finances in your marriage, get a dang divorce and keep your money.
We believe in sharing NO MATTER WHAT!!
I think that anyone in a committed relationship believes in sharing. But not necessarily everything, like finances and debt. A number of very wonderful people are bad at finances and/or are in debt (esp those with student loans), and it would be financial suicide for their partner to marry them. They share everything else, sometimes raising kids together. On the other hand, there are those, like you, who feel a legal wedding adds richness and meaning to a committed relationship, and that is fine too.
Religious beliefs play a big part in our marriage as well! AND, if we thought about all of the "what if's", we'd be walking on eggshells/thin ice all the time in our minds......not the best way to live or even conduct a marriage!
I've been unemployed for quite awhile now and my wife has had no problem getting some money from her retirement (she had before meeting me) to help us along. I was never the "saving" type, so I never had money set aside for retirement. However, I have recieved unemployment benefits/money three different times (EUC) and that has definitely helped out us.
As far as what financially happened to one young couple, that can happen to anyone and does. When a married couple has financial problems, the marriage doesn't always end, a lot of times things are simply worked out and the marriage goes on!
Wife and I are firm believers in marriage and the vows we took at the alter! I was divorced/single for 22 years and hated being single for 21 1/2 years. Yes, I was only happy for the first six months and then I started missing the ring on my left hand and saying "I'd like to introduce you to my wife ......." to people. To us marriage is the Marriage Certificate, but also much, much more!!! And, sure isn't a "government thing"!
If an older person doesn't want to get married again.....don't! If you think, there is that "what if" again, you are going to lose financially on somthing, get a dang divorce and live "happily everafter"......just not all older couples think that way or want to!! But for those that "bad mouth" marriage, ain't going to get away with it around me!!
By the way, we were married when I was 49 and she was 50.
My situation is pretty much the same as yours. I am the longterm career person and my SO has had a lot of bad luck and hasn't picked the career paths that lead to financial security. And that's OK. I'm glad we weren't all cut out of the same cloth. I love who he is and not his bank balance. We have a great life together.
One of my big concerns is protecting what he does have. He can't afford to lose anything because I die. And I would like to be able to leave as much as possible to him. I'm a planner and a worrier. I try to consider all the options.
He is a lot more like you. He would prefer to be legally married. He feels it's the right thing to do. He wants me to have a real proposal and a wedding. He's a great man. But I don't want to do anything that would cause us more financial hardship. As older people, we have to face the fact that there is no way to 'make up' the loss. We can't just work harder or longer like the younger people.
About a month before I got married, I took my husband to my eye doctor with me. He got the hard news. I basically told him that someday I could be blind and that he didn't have go through with marrying me.
Well, unlike a past boyfriend who ran, he stayed and we got married. Have there been ups and downs? Mostly business related but tons of good solid times.
To me, it was a real commitment for him to stay and marry me. I am blind in one eye, poor sight in the other. We have two young adult children and have worked more than the average person. Being self employed, 90 hour weeks are common. His commitment and that means marriage means a lot to both of us. That's us, though.
To me, it was the ultimate commitment and I want to show that to our children. Our parents were both married 51 and 49 years so hopefully, they learned something there also!
I do really depend on my husband at this point but he also depends on me for other things as well. It all works out.
Married folks do seem more secure in general than singles, especially if they are well off, or if one of the two has a lucrative career. It's relatively easy for these couples to say that everything's great. I would like to hear from married couples who both are struggling financially--how is that working out? Are the stresses contributing to bitter fights and long term resentments? How is it when you socialize with financially secure couples? I have always believed that economics (family) is the bottom line for happiness in life.
New England Girl: The last 3 - almost 4 - years have been hard on so many people. I have seen couples stronger and some have been broken. I think I struggle with where I am and where I think I should be. In my case, my husband and I helped my parents financially for over 18 years; it was actually longer than that but before the 18 years, it came from a business account and my husband didn't really feel it.
So, now I feel guilty because things would be easier on us today if we hadn't had to do that but the bottom line is that we have an awesome family (in laws and outlaws!, cousins, nephews, nieces, sibs, all that) - everything really normal except that my father had some reverse financial situations. Morally, we kept going, paid everything and did all that.
We are all quite normal actually even in today's world.
So, it could be worse. My husband has been through the ups and downs and now, we share all that. It's really nice to be able to share the good and the bad, the times we cried and the times we laughed.
When this whole financial thing started in 2008, we sat down and really discussed what we would do and fortunately, we had the same mind set so that made things easier. Our credit is really important to us and we need it business wise.
On the top of the financial crisis, my husband had an awful event happen in 2008 which cost us dearly. It's a long story but I will tell you that it's something that no one should ever go through - but I did not run, stuck by him thick and thin and he/we prevailed. (Someday, he wants to write a book about it).
Got love what ifa says! Marriage isn't a "status symbol", but is sure is nice! Go ahead, ifa, ask Curmudgeon and other happily married couples in this forum about marriage! They don't think about the "what if's" or divorce to be happy with finances. We ALL share with our spouses and they share with us!! Our thinking isn't "out of date" at all. You simply don't want to be married, your own statement, and you shouldn't be (as already stated to you).
I doubt that the question will ever be uttered. When you are convinced you're right there's no need to consult with people with direct experience.
For my part, I lost everything in a divorce after 25 years of marriage, to include having my children severely alienated from me by their mother. However, I never lost faith in marriage and returned to that delightful state two years later with a friend and former coworker I'd worked with, admired and respected for five years.
As you said, our thinking is anything but out-of-date. I have always been, and remain, firmly of the belief that sound marriages are the glue that holds a civil society together and the "modern" attitudes toward, and often against it, especially as regards commitment, are merely conveniently hedonistic thinking with no real or lasting benefit.
I've been divorced since I was in my 20's. Now 61, I had a long-term relationship with a guy who was nowhere near as financially secure as I was. I made a good salary, had a house and put the maximum in my 401K every year. He pretended to have more than he actually had (a problem in itself), but eventually I realized he really had nothing. I thought I might like to be married (I really liked being part of a couple), but it would have been a financial nightmare. He had two adult kids and I had one, plus an elderly mother. There would have had to be a pre-nup....I brought so much more financially to the table and I would want to protect it for the benefit of my mother and son. It probably sounds mercenary or selfish of me, but there was too much that could go wrong. Luckily, we never got to that point in our relationship, and I've been happily single for four years. I do envy my friends who have managed to find love and marry later in life, despite all the challenges of financial and emotional baggage.
About a month before I got married, I took my husband to my eye doctor with me. He got the hard news. I basically told him that someday I could be blind and that he didn't have go through with marrying me.
Well, unlike a past boyfriend who ran, he stayed and we got married. Have there been ups and downs? Mostly business related but tons of good solid times.
To me, it was a real commitment for him to stay and marry me. I am blind in one eye, poor sight in the other. We have two young adult children and have worked more than the average person. Being self employed, 90 hour weeks are common. His commitment and that means marriage means a lot to both of us. That's us, though.
To me, it was the ultimate commitment and I want to show that to our children. Our parents were both married 51 and 49 years so hopefully, they learned something there also!
I do really depend on my husband at this point but he also depends on me for other things as well. It all works out.
New England Girl: The last 3 - almost 4 - years have been hard on so many people. I have seen couples stronger and some have been broken. I think I struggle with where I am and where I think I should be. In my case, my husband and I helped my parents financially for over 18 years; it was actually longer than that but before the 18 years, it came from a business account and my husband didn't really feel it.
So, now I feel guilty because things would be easier on us today if we hadn't had to do that but the bottom line is that we have an awesome family (in laws and outlaws!, cousins, nephews, nieces, sibs, all that) - everything really normal except that my father had some reverse financial situations. Morally, we kept going, paid everything and did all that.
We are all quite normal actually even in today's world.
So, it could be worse. My husband has been through the ups and downs and now, we share all that. It's really nice to be able to share the good and the bad, the times we cried and the times we laughed.
When this whole financial thing started in 2008, we sat down and really discussed what we would do and fortunately, we had the same mind set so that made things easier. Our credit is really important to us and we need it business wise.
On the top of the financial crisis, my husband had an awful event happen in 2008 which cost us dearly. It's a long story but I will tell you that it's something that no one should ever go through - but I did not run, stuck by him thick and thin and he/we prevailed. (Someday, he wants to write a book about it).
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Marriage and the baggage
Marriage isn't a "status symbol", but is sure is nice! Go ahead, ifa, ask Curmudgeon and other happily married couples in this forum about marriage! They don't think about the "what if's" or divorce to be happy with finances. We ALL share with our spouses and they share with us!! Our thinking isn't "out of date" at all. You simply don't want to be married, your own statement, and you shouldn't be (as already stated to you).
