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Old 01-30-2012, 04:14 PM
 
Location: Central Florida
973 posts, read 1,489,421 times
Reputation: 1098

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Quote:
Originally Posted by mlb View Post
Pure Baloney. How truly judgemental of you. I am childfree - NOT by choice - and I, too, have had friends tell me they wished they'd never had kids - and their kids do not "rule the roost".

One acquaintance admitted she honestly didn't figure how much money having a child would need - and in the downturn economy - they found themselves over their head in expenses. They love their child - and wanted to protect them - and found themselves unable to do so. If she had to do it all over again - she would not have had her one child.

I live in a state known for large families - with members of a church that believes it's a responsibility to bring children into the world. I am constantly confided in - by women and men both - who wish they had never had kids. I am not surprised.
It is not "baloney" and unless you have been in my shoes and witnessed what I have as a teacher, I am going to ignore your comment of me being judgmental. And as far as your friends who wished they didn't have any children and that their kids "didn't rule the roost", so what then are their reasons why they wished they never had any?? I just find it hard to believe that they would say this if they raised well-adjusted and decent human beings. But, if they are like the friend who you mentioned who needed more money than she and her husband had to "protect" their child (and from what?), I am curious to know about this as well. Yes, children cost money, and yes, this economy has left many people in dire straits, but to say that she wished she never had her due to this temporary setback?? What is with that? And those who are having all these kids due to their religion don't really count, IMHO, for they really do not have a "say" in all this "begetting" for fear of reprisal.

When I moved to Florida in '82, I had no job and the promised job my husband was to get didn't last long, and we fought. When I finally got a teaching job, I left my husband with my 3 children and rented an apt. in a terrible neighborhood. They were eligible for reduced lunches (imagine on a teacher's salary!), and we ate peanut butter, eggs and macaroni a lot. And when my child got sick, I pawned my emerald ring, so I could take her to the doctor and get medicine. We had a black and white TV and no cable. And after that rough spot, I still did not give in to tvs. computers and whatever else was in "vogue" for kids or adults with their "must have toys"...and my children tell me over and over again that they are so lucky that I was a parent who gave them love, time, rules, and responsibilities and not all the things that their friends had gotten, for now they truly understand what makes one content.

And to be honest, I take umbrage at so many on here who do not have children, chiming in on this thread when it was NOT directed toward you and either telling us how happy you are of your "childless status" or telling of your friends who have children but wished they did not as I think you are just being used as a temporary "sounding board".

Last edited by Sagitarrius48; 01-30-2012 at 05:06 PM.. Reason: added info
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Old 01-30-2012, 06:36 PM
 
Location: delaware
688 posts, read 864,292 times
Reputation: 2367
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sagitarrius48 View Post
It is not "baloney" and unless you have been in my shoes and witnessed what I have as a teacher, I am going to ignore your comment of me being judgmental. And as far as your friends who wished they didn't have any children and that their kids "didn't rule the roost", so what then are their reasons why they wished they never had any?? I just find it hard to believe that they would say this if they raised well-adjusted and decent human beings. But, if they are like the friend who you mentioned who needed more money than she and her husband had to "protect" their child (and from what?), I am curious to know about this as well. Yes, children cost money, and yes, this economy has left many people in dire straits, but to say that she wished she never had her due to this temporary setback?? What is with that? And those who are having all these kids due to their religion don't really count, IMHO, for they really do not have a "say" in all this "begetting" for fear of reprisal.

When I moved to Florida in '82, I had no job and the promised job my husband was to get didn't last long, and we fought. When I finally got a teaching job, I left my husband with my 3 children and rented an apt. in a terrible neighborhood. They were eligible for reduced lunches (imagine on a teacher's salary!), and we ate peanut butter, eggs and macaroni a lot. And when my child got sick, I pawned my emerald ring, so I could take her to the doctor and get medicine. We had a black and white TV and no cable. And after that rough spot, I still did not give in to tvs. computers and whatever else was in "vogue" for kids or adults with their "must have toys"...and my children tell me over and over again that they are so lucky that I was a parent who gave them love, time, rules, and responsibilities and not all the things that their friends had gotten, for now they truly understand what makes one content.

And to be honest, I take umbrage at so many on here who do not have children, chiming in on this thread when it was NOT directed toward you and either telling us how happy you are of your "childless status" or telling of your friends who have children but wished they did not as I think you are just being used as a temporary "sounding board".

i think it would be very difficult for any parent, whether their children turned out as they would have liked or not, to imagine life without them, or to regret giving them birth. although i never wanted children, never felt there was something missing in my life because i didn't have them, i'm still certain i would have loved any child i had and could not have imagined a life without them once they were born. it is perhaps impossible to be objective about one's children and parenthood generally, because it is, among other things, such an ego investment. children are the creation of the parent, and although i've known "good" parents with disappointing children, as well as the reverse, it is, in most cases, an unbreakable bond. and therefore, speaking about it dispassionately and objectively, is not possible.

catsy girl
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Old 01-30-2012, 07:32 PM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,888,154 times
Reputation: 2770
So where do you put us early parents, where over the years,you grow apart from your child, mainly because you have very little in common, live far apart, lifestyles .? There was a time I tried to do the right thing, week ends, but your job takes you other places, so you do summer vacations, and special holidays. Then as the years went by,he often did not take any interest anymore, no cards or letters,birthdays etc......Yes I know there still is that connection, and now after 30 years we have found conversation on Facebook., a very guarded one, but, at lest I know He lives, and likewise.
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Old 01-30-2012, 08:26 PM
 
Location: Lakewood OH
21,699 posts, read 23,658,574 times
Reputation: 35449
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sagittarius 48 View Post
It is not "baloney" and unless you have been in my shoes and witnessed what I have as a teacher, I am going to ignore your comment of me being judgmental. And as far as your friends who wished they didn't have any children and that their kids "didn't rule the roost", so what then are their reasons why they wished they never had any?? I just find it hard to believe that they would say this if they raised well-adjusted and decent human beings. But, if they are like the friend who you mentioned who needed more money than she and her husband had to "protect" their child (and from what?), I am curious to know about this as well. Yes, children cost money, and yes, this economy has left many people in dire straits, but to say that she wished she never had her due to this temporary setback?? What is with that? And those who are having all these kids due to their religion don't really count, IMHO, for they really do not have a "say" in all this "begetting" for fear of reprisal.

When I moved to Florida in '82, I had no job and the promised job my husband was to get didn't last long, and we fought. When I finally got a teaching job, I left my husband with my 3 children and rented an apt. in a terrible neighborhood. They were eligible for reduced lunches (imagine on a teacher's salary!), and we ate peanut butter, eggs and macaroni a lot. And when my child got sick, I pawned my emerald ring, so I could take her to the doctor and get medicine. We had a black and white TV and no cable. And after that rough spot, I still did not give in to tvs. computers and whatever else was in "vogue" for kids or adults with their "must have toys"...and my children tell me over and over again that they are so lucky that I was a parent who gave them love, time, rules, and responsibilities and not all the things that their friends had gotten, for now they truly understand what makes one content.

And to be honest, I take umbrage at so many on here who do not have children, chiming in on this thread when it was NOT directed toward you and either telling us how happy you are of your "childless status" or telling of your friends who have children but wished they did not as I think you are just being used as a temporary "sounding board".
I guess it's for the same reason parents show up on the "Do you regret not having children" thread explaining why they don't regret having kids. Believe me I have been on many Childfree message boards and this is a very, very common occurrence. And sometimes they scold.

I accidentally come onto this thread the first time because I was not paying attention. I just saw the word "regret" and thought it was the one that asked "Do You Regret Not Having Children."

But parents often come to the "Regrets Not Having Children" thread and post there. Usually it's to state how much they do not regret having kids. Quite the opposite of the topic. See, it works both ways.

So I came back again here a few times just to read but I wound up posting when the topic was about one I could relate to. That was how parents (my mother) may act towards to children they did not want. It was a part of the topic to which the thread had strayed as they will do.

At first on the "Do You Regret Not Having Children" thread I asked the same question as you are asking in reverse, Why are parents posting here? I admit I was wrong to ask that question. As I continue to read both threads I understand now that it is more than likely a matter of curiosity and maybe understanding that these boards are visited by those for whom they don't apply. It's a good source of information about life choices. So no umbrage taken by me for those who want to learn other points of view.
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Old 01-30-2012, 10:50 PM
 
Location: Earth Wanderer, longing for the stars.
12,408 posts, read 16,475,201 times
Reputation: 8776
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sagitarrius48 View Post
It is not "baloney" and unless you have been in my shoes and witnessed what I have as a teacher, I am going to ignore your comment of me being judgmental. And as far as your friends who wished they didn't have any children and that their kids "didn't rule the roost", so what then are their reasons why they wished they never had any?? I just find it hard to believe that they would say this if they raised well-adjusted and decent human beings. But, if they are like the friend who you mentioned who needed more money than she and her husband had to "protect" their child (and from what?), I am curious to know about this as well. Yes, children cost money, and yes, this economy has left many people in dire straits, but to say that she wished she never had her due to this temporary setback?? What is with that? And those who are having all these kids due to their religion don't really count, IMHO, for they really do not have a "say" in all this "begetting" for fear of reprisal.

When I moved to Florida in '82, I had no job and the promised job my husband was to get didn't last long, and we fought. When I finally got a teaching job, I left my husband with my 3 children and rented an apt. in a terrible neighborhood. They were eligible for reduced lunches (imagine on a teacher's salary!), and we ate peanut butter, eggs and macaroni a lot. And when my child got sick, I pawned my emerald ring, so I could take her to the doctor and get medicine. We had a black and white TV and no cable. And after that rough spot, I still did not give in to tvs. computers and whatever else was in "vogue" for kids or adults with their "must have toys"...and my children tell me over and over again that they are so lucky that I was a parent who gave them love, time, rules, and responsibilities and not all the things that their friends had gotten, for now they truly understand what makes one content.

And to be honest, I take umbrage at so many on here who do not have children, chiming in on this thread when it was NOT directed toward you and either telling us how happy you are of your "childless status" or telling of your friends who have children but wished they did not as I think you are just being used as a temporary "sounding board".
I don't feel that having kids should just be expected of people. Some people just, temperamentally or otherwise, are not suited to it. I am very glad I don't have offspring. I think a lot of people who just fell in to the marriage and kid thing, not planning or knowing how dramatically it changes lives, are indeed regretful.

There are those who make an argument that contains merit that the crime rate around the country is lower now because there are fewer unwanted male children being born.

Some children end up being very different than the parents in many ways. They are reared in a family, but mentally and spiritually seem to be not a part of that family. They grow up, leave home, and rarely interact with the parents. These are not necessarily bad parents or bad kids, just different. I daresay these parents have regrets sometimes, and maybe the kids do, as well.

You know the old saying that you can choose your friends but not your family.
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Old 01-31-2012, 02:30 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,732,288 times
Reputation: 32304
Default Summarizing this thread so far

I just read through the entire thread with a tally sheet; I tallied 21 "no, I do not regret having children, two "yes", and three "sometimes". Occasionally I had to interpret the response to make it fit into one of those categories. There are many more posts than responses because some people posted multiple times, and also (as already noted by others) many childless/childfree people who by definition could not answer the question. I did not count any "yes" response where the poster only reported people they know who had confided that they regretted having children, as that is not the same as someone responding directly on the thread.

I don't see the results as surprising. After all, procreating is a deep human desire, even if it is not universal. Most parents love their children (and we see it as tragic when they do not), so it stands to reason that the regretters would be in the minority.

The happy endings are heart-warming, but I have been deeply impressed by a few people I know whose lives have been turned into a hellish nightmare by children whom I considered mentally ill. I am talking about parents who are caring, honest, hard-working people but who have faced a child with substance abuse problems, unemployability problems, problems with the law, massive irresponsibility problems, and where there was no turn-around. In two cases suicide was the end result at age 15 and age 24. I know of at least five such cases among my friends and relatives, and while that represents a minority of people I know who have children, I still find it a frightening number.
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Old 01-31-2012, 04:53 AM
 
7,495 posts, read 9,757,624 times
Reputation: 7394
I think my mom put it best; "I would trade the world for you two but wouldn't give one red cent for another one."
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Old 04-07-2013, 10:33 AM
 
Location: middle tennessee
1,924 posts, read 988,551 times
Reputation: 6931
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon View Post
Nothing, provided it's reciprocal, as it should be.

I am responding to this old thread because it is the first page I see when I come to CD.

Curmudgeon, if reciprocation was a requirement, it wouldn't be unconditional.
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:28 AM
 
239 posts, read 455,869 times
Reputation: 292
I regret many things, but I don't regret having my children. I regret my mistakes and shortcomings as a mother, but children don't come with a handbook and each child is a new learning experience since none is like the other. I feel so fortunate to have children who are amazing people. The world is a better place because of them. As a mother, I have been blessed. So no, no regrets.
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Old 04-08-2013, 06:45 AM
 
239 posts, read 475,096 times
Reputation: 253
How in the world can anyone who already has children say they regret having them?

I can't imagine a person saying that unless they were extremely self centered or mentally unbalanced.

We are talking human beings here and not adopting pets from an animal shelter !
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