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Old 04-10-2013, 01:51 PM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,888,154 times
Reputation: 2770

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Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
DARSTAR, your post hits on the dysfunction that most of us have dealt with on some level, either in our family of origin or with the families we helped create . . . but here's the thing. As long as we did the best we knew how at the time, based on the info and our circumstances, we can't look back with self recrimination and regret. (Well, we CAN, lol, but it isn't being realistic and it won't change a thing).

We all have had to make decisions that - had we taken a different path - doubtless the results would have been altered. I, personally, decided a long time ago to be as forgiving of myself as I am to those around me . . . because for the most part, whether the harm was done to us or we were the one's creating the hurt (even unintentionally! even with the best motives!) . . . we did what we did based on what we knew how to do at the time.

Regret keeps us stuck in the past. And it is certainly an anathema to happiness and contentment!

Parenthood doesn't come with a handbook . . . no such thing as a perfect parent. I would hope that by age 50, your son would understand that.

Your journey is not over yet! Perhaps your son has his own set of regrets . . . maybe that is something the two of you could explore at some point.

While we can't change the past, we can come to peace with it. Don't be so damn hard on yourself. (((hugs)))
Thanks for the kind words. Yes, we have tried before to make this father-Son thing work, he always pulled away. I am sure it was the addiction calling. I am always willing to try again but I will not be taken advantage of...I know by now he sees that. Our cultures are so far apart, its a lot like talking to a Martian at times. Remember, I left when he was 5 , had visitation once a month or so,( I lived 400 miles away ) then 2 weeks in Chicago every summer. It was not all bad, or so I thought ! At 14 She could not handle him anymore. Thats when She dumped him on my door step. Soon to be taken away back to Iowa by the mother once more. Those were the years we drifted apart more and more.( He never married ) We do strangely have contact on Facebook as of late, so, there may be some hope, if , but a little, we will see.
Telling my story demonstrates how family's can be dysfunctional, the best of intentions can lead to horrible outcomes, so we should not be so hard on those less fortunate. I am always reminded around Christmas time of Gordon Lightfoot's song " Circle of Steel " it brings home in verse the plight of so many inter city relationships and addictions. Part of my long life thinking has been that we need to remove the people from the problem . Uproot the gangs and the circle that goes around and around. I was never sure how this could be accomplished, other than a probate Judge rueling that a free trip out of town to Wyoming would keep them out of jail.There are lots of labor jobs in Yellowstone park fixing the decaying infrastructure. Bring back the CCC camps, somehow I see this as the only way out for so many that are stuck in a culture of doom for the rest of their lives, and, the lives of the children they father/ birth . Truly a circle of steel.....
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Old 04-11-2013, 02:48 AM
 
13,319 posts, read 25,554,182 times
Reputation: 20505
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arkansas Mac View Post
We are talking human beings here and not adopting pets from an animal shelter !
Uh... watch it with the pets from an animal shelter. They are feeling beings and they are not disposable.

I imagine some people could regret having had children (if they assume they sacrificed other things to have the children- and there's no way to know that "other things" would have worked out or been satisfying or whatever). If someone simply didn't like the life of raising children, as I'm sure many people don't, I hope they'd be mature enough to step up and do their best even if they aren't exactly enjoying it.

I am eternally grateful that I knew myself well enough to not have children. Older generations might have had more trouble acknowledging that and fighting the general social pressure.
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Old 04-11-2013, 03:03 AM
 
13,319 posts, read 25,554,182 times
Reputation: 20505
I feel sad for those people who feel they were personally not wanted by their mother (or parents) and that it was a personal thing. No doubt they got this sense from the parent, who didn't have the sense or guts to admit that s/he just didn't want the life of a parent- not that these particular children were the issue. More irresponsibility and cruelty there.
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Old 04-11-2013, 03:11 AM
 
Location: Glasgow Scotland
15,265 posts, read 12,573,083 times
Reputation: 22096
Never regret having my four children who are all grown up now... what I do regret is having them so early in my life when I wasnt mature enough and couldnt give them enough while they were growing up..... Ive tried to make up for this with their children who I dote on..
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Old 04-11-2013, 07:02 AM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,888,154 times
Reputation: 2770
Quote:
Originally Posted by dizzybint View Post
Never regret having my four children who are all grown up now... what I do regret is having them so early in my life when I wasnt mature enough and couldnt give them enough while they were growing up..... Ive tried to make up for this with their children who I dote on..
Actually there is another way to look at what you have said. That is having your kids so early gave both of you ( them the kids ) a closer bonding in age, ideals, and young culture....These were my justifications when I got married at 20 to a girl not yet out of HS., could not wait to " share growing up together". I saw the divide in other families where older parents had much younger children, the spread was so great that one of the parents had passed on before the youngest completed high school, or saw all their kids get married and have grandchildren.
I convinced myself at the time I was doing the right thing, now I know, now I see that those early steps, choices, dogged me through my everyday life. It contributed to two divorces and delayed my own " growing up" until I had turned 30, was single again, and needed to play catch up to a lot of my friends who went the higher learning route. I could not wait to start my own business, to" legitimize " my existence in the business world. I had convinced myself being married and having children would replace experience and maturity. Inexperience lead to failure at lest once and actually delayed any success in the direction I was headed.
Still there is some truth in growing up with your kids, but, its a small one, not worth the early choices I made for myself and everyone else.
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Old 04-11-2013, 12:48 PM
 
Location: Lakewood OH
21,699 posts, read 23,658,574 times
Reputation: 35449
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arkansas Mac View Post
How in the world can anyone who already has children say they regret having them?

I can't imagine a person saying that unless they were extremely self centered or mentally unbalanced.

We are talking human beings here and not adopting pets from an animal shelter !
But some do. As a person who is child free by choice I have heard this from more parents than I care to think of. It used to surprise me when I was younger and I used to wonder how people could feel this way too.

I have developed a theory that many people just followed the life script when they were very young that children were not a choice. It was something that was expected of them and not to be questioned. In fact, they never even thought to question that the possiblity of having them even being a choice.

Once they found themselves being parents, they realized that it was really not something they would have chosen for themselves had they given it careful thought. Perhaps that is the reason for unhappy marriages, infidelities and even moreso, mistreated and uncared for children but only in some extreme cases.

Parents who have told me had they had the opportunity to do it all over again and would not have had children were not at all self centered and mentally unbalanced. They were just people who had regretted not thinking it through. They were not people who mistreated their kids either.

Some people I know who chose not to have kids often genuinely liked kids were often school teachers and people who liked to be around them but just didn't want any of their own. Then there were those who just didn't care to be around them. There are all different levels of how people relate to kids. This is something people should think about when they are thinking about becoming parents so there will be no regrets.
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Old 04-11-2013, 01:08 PM
 
Location: 112 Ocean Avenue
5,706 posts, read 8,127,732 times
Reputation: 8886
My mother always used a road map to pack my school lunches. She was kind enough to mark out the route to my grandmother's house.
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Old 04-11-2013, 03:05 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,018 posts, read 17,732,288 times
Reputation: 32304
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minervah View Post
But some do. As a person who is child free by choice I have heard this from more parents than I care to think of. It used to surprise me when I was younger and I used to wonder how people could feel this way too.

I have developed a theory that many people just followed the life script when they were very young that children were not a choice. It was something that was expected of them and not to be questioned. In fact, they never even thought to question that the possiblity of having them even being a choice.

Once they found themselves being parents, they realized that it was really not something they would have chosen for themselves had they given it careful thought. Perhaps that is the reason for unhappy marriages, infidelities and even moreso, mistreated and uncared for children but only in some extreme cases.

Parents who have told me had they had the opportunity to do it all over again and would not have had children were not at all self centered and mentally unbalanced. They were just people who had regretted not thinking it through. They were not people who mistreated their kids either.

Some people I know who chose not to have kids often genuinely liked kids were often school teachers and people who liked to be around them but just didn't want any of their own. Then there were those who just didn't care to be around them. There are all different levels of how people relate to kids. This is something people should think about when they are thinking about becoming parents so there will be no regrets.
Best post in this thread so far. Thoughtful, well stated, not at all polemical (as opposed to the post to which you were responding).
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Old 04-11-2013, 05:38 PM
 
Location: Earth Wanderer, longing for the stars.
12,408 posts, read 16,475,201 times
Reputation: 8776
Quote:
Originally Posted by darstar View Post
Thanks for the kind words. Yes, we have tried before to make this father-Son thing work, he always pulled away. I am sure it was the addiction calling. I am always willing to try again but I will not be taken advantage of...I know by now he sees that. Our cultures are so far apart, its a lot like talking to a Martian at times. Remember, I left when he was 5 , had visitation once a month or so,( I lived 400 miles away ) then 2 weeks in Chicago every summer. It was not all bad, or so I thought ! At 14 She could not handle him anymore. Thats when She dumped him on my door step. Soon to be taken away back to Iowa by the mother once more. Those were the years we drifted apart more and more.( He never married ) We do strangely have contact on Facebook as of late, so, there may be some hope, if , but a little, we will see.
Telling my story demonstrates how family's can be dysfunctional, the best of intentions can lead to horrible outcomes, so we should not be so hard on those less fortunate. I am always reminded around Christmas time of Gordon Lightfoot's song " Circle of Steel " it brings home in verse the plight of so many inter city relationships and addictions. Part of my long life thinking has been that we need to remove the people from the problem . Uproot the gangs and the circle that goes around and around. I was never sure how this could be accomplished, other than a probate Judge rueling that a free trip out of town to Wyoming would keep them out of jail.There are lots of labor jobs in Yellowstone park fixing the decaying infrastructure. Bring back the CCC camps, somehow I see this as the only way out for so many that are stuck in a culture of doom for the rest of their lives, and, the lives of the children they father/ birth . Truly a circle of steel.....
I married later in life so we never had to discuss having kids.

When I dated men I never had a goal of marriage. I dated people whom I thought were interesting, but frankly there were often problems that I didn't wish to deal with. Everyone has problems, I know, but we don't have to take on the problems of the world to be in a relationship. We can set our limits.

My thought, at the time, was that I saw some women without children who had lives that I admired and felt comfortable with, but had never seen a woman with kids who I thought had it together.
I was always honest with my dates about my desire to be child free. Some stayed. Some left.

My husband has an adult kid. He never sees him. He believes his ex has poisoned the son's mind against him. I have never met the ex or the kid. There was addiction involved, I know, and the wife works for a college which would entitle the child to free tuition to which he has never availed himself.

I'm thinking that perhaps this child is alienated from both parents. I think my husband is a great person and cannot fathom a child being estranged from him. I wish my father had been more like my husband. I'm thinking this son is really stupid or really screwed up, but I don't voice this opinion.

I also have always shied away from a guy with a big family where everyone knew everyone else's business. Often that includes budinski parents. I never thought when you married someone you married into the entire family. In a marriage, to me, a couple is supposed to make their own way, find out what works for them.

So, families in general are not something that I find attractive. Well, there was one family that I became very fond of, but it ended up that the son I was dating was bi sexual, mostly gay, and his rich uncle would disinherit him from the will unless he married. Ugh! Just my luck!

Last edited by goldengrain; 04-11-2013 at 05:48 PM..
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Old 04-11-2013, 07:21 PM
 
Location: State of Superior
8,628 posts, read 13,888,154 times
Reputation: 2770
Quote:
Originally Posted by goldengrain View Post
I married later in life so we never had to discuss having kids.

When I dated men I never had a goal of marriage. I dated people whom I thought were interesting, but frankly there were often problems that I didn't wish to deal with. Everyone has problems, I know, but we don't have to take on the problems of the world to be in a relationship. We can set our limits.

My thought, at the time, was that I saw some women without children who had lives that I admired and felt comfortable with, but had never seen a woman with kids who I thought had it together.
I was always honest with my dates about my desire to be child free. Some stayed. Some left.

My husband has an adult kid. He never sees him. He believes his ex has poisoned the son's mind against him. I have never met the ex or the kid. There was addiction involved, I know, and the wife works for a college which would entitle the child to free tuition to which he has never availed himself.

I'm thinking that perhaps this child is alienated from both parents. I think my husband is a great person and cannot fathom a child being estranged from him. I wish my father had been more like my husband. I'm thinking this son is really stupid or really screwed up, but I don't voice this opinion.

I also have always shied away from a guy with a big family where everyone knew everyone else's business. Often that includes budinski parents. I never thought when you married someone you married into the entire family. In a marriage, to me, a couple is supposed to make their own way, find out what works for them.

So, families in general are not something that I find attractive. Well, there was one family that I became very fond of, but it ended up that the son I was dating was bi sexual, mostly gay, and his rich uncle would disinherit him from the will unless he married. Ugh! Just my luck!
Somethings we may never know. In my case the ex Wife that was protecting our drug infested son turned out to be Gay, so , he grew up without a male role model, for whatever thats worth? It is a real shame though to see anyone still be addicted at 50, has little self respect, no goals, and is unemployed most of the time.
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