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It would seem to me that in a family law context this could be essential information if only one member of the couple adopted the child(ren) prior to the marriage. That could have an impact on custody and support orders, just as it can with children from a prior marriage who have not been adopted by the other member.
I don't doubt that some callers are "shocked into silence" and they likely terminate the call and don't bother calling back.
Nice try.
Again, a caller who answers the question, "Do you have children?" with "I have adopted children" is a red flag and worthy of follow up. I have almost 20 years of family law experience and have learned to respect those red flags. If the rare caller chooses to hang up, it's not my loss.
Regardless of the circumstances, when the caller has children I always try to identify the other "legal" parent. In all circumstances, when the caller is married, I follow up with "Is your husband the children's father?" and take it from there. Many times there are children born outside of the marriage. Sometimes the parent is unaware that under Maryland law that a child born or conceived during a marriage is presumed to be the husband's child. Sometimes the husband married the pregnant girlfriend knowing he did not impregnate her but nevertheless "held the child out as his". He is also the legal father. Etc.
BTW, Very, very few callers have referred to their children as "adopted children". I mentioned this in the context of this thread because there is an assumption by some that being a parent means the mother gave birth to a child.
Again, I don't need to know how the child came into being. In the context of this thread, I don't care to know why a person does not have children and would silently question why the speaker needs to offer an explanation when none is required.
Again, a caller who answers the question, "Do you have children?" with "I have adopted children" is a red flag and worthy of follow up. I have almost 20 years of family law experience and have learned to respect those red flags. If the rare caller chooses to hang up, it's not my loss.
Regardless of the circumstances, when the caller has children I always try to identify the other "legal" parent. In all circumstances, when the caller is married, I follow up with "Is your husband the children's father?" and take it from there. Many times there are children born outside of the marriage. Sometimes the parent is unaware that under Maryland law that a child born or conceived during a marriage is presumed to be the husband's child. Sometimes the husband married the pregnant girlfriend knowing he did not impregnate her but nevertheless "held the child out as his". He is also the legal father. Etc.
BTW, Very, very few callers have referred to their children as "adopted children". I mentioned this in the context of this thread because there is an assumption by some that being a parent means the mother gave birth to a child.
Again, I don't need to know how the child came into being. In the context of this thread, I don't care to know why a person does not have children and would silently question why the speaker needs to offer an explanation when none is required.
Love the presumption clause - NOT! In my former state, Mama could have an affair, bear a child as a result and very often, Papa, who ain't, gets declared is and hello child support in dissolution. The example you gave - holds the child out as his - makes perfectly good sense. Not all examples seem to.
I have felt strongly about answering the casual "Do you have kids?" question with what others might find TMI- "No, I never wanted them." I feel personally that it's important for childless-by-choice people to "come out," similar to gay people coming out, or for that matter, atheists. When people realize that they actually know or like or love someone who is an "other," they find it a lot easier to accept that the "other" is not other, but just a person with some differences. I do think one reason gay people have moved forward in their civil rights is the sheer number of people who now realize that they know or like or work with/etc. a gay person and that gay people are "normal," not prison bull dykes on TeeVee or guys in dresses who seem to live their lives in parades. (Sadly, I think AIDS began this mass coming out into the average person's world).
Of course, if I don't feel like the conversation or the "coming out," if asked if I have kids, I just say no. It's hard to resist, though, adding "Never wanted them."
When I think they're probing around to see if I'm gay, I must admit I add this truth, "And I likely lost one great guy over it." I probably did.
I always thought that guys didn't want kids, that they saw it as the price of having a wife/relationship. Now, I admit- I've never met a guy who already had a kid who insisted on another or more as a dealbreaker in relationship.
Of course, now that I'm officially a senior citizen (in my town, you get a cheaper dump sticker at age 60!) it's more than moot. But since I apparently look a lot younger and am not coupled, I still get the question. Most of my peers are drooling over grandchildren. So glad I know a lot of childfrees of all ages!
I think you can always find someone who regrets something - going to college, not going to college, getting married, not getting married, staying married, not staying married, having children, not having children, moving, not moving, retiring, not retiring, etc etc etc.
Reasons are varied and highly personal, and we seem to have a lot of people in the thread taking offense at someone else's reasons, which really - someone else's life is NOT YOURS, so their reasons are valid for them and have nothing to do with you or your morality/beliefs system..
I have felt strongly about answering the casual "Do you have kids?" question with what others might find TMI- "No, I never wanted them." I feel personally that it's important for childless-by-choice people to "come out," similar to gay people coming out, or for that matter, atheists. When people realize that they actually know or like or love someone who is an "other," they find it a lot easier to accept that the "other" is not other, but just a person with some differences. I do think one reason gay people have moved forward in their civil rights is the sheer number of people who now realize that they know or like or work with/etc. a gay person and that gay people are "normal," not prison bull dykes on TeeVee or guys in dresses who seem to live their lives in parades. (Sadly, I think AIDS began this mass coming out into the average person's world).
Of course, if I don't feel like the conversation or the "coming out," if asked if I have kids, I just say no. It's hard to resist, though, adding "Never wanted them."
When I think they're probing around to see if I'm gay, I must admit I add this truth, "And I likely lost one great guy over it." I probably did.
I always thought that guys didn't want kids, that they saw it as the price of having a wife/relationship. Now, I admit- I've never met a guy who already had a kid who insisted on another or more as a dealbreaker in relationship.
Of course, now that I'm officially a senior citizen (in my town, you get a cheaper dump sticker at age 60!) it's more than moot. But since I apparently look a lot younger and am not coupled, I still get the question. Most of my peers are drooling over grandchildren. So glad I know a lot of childfrees of all ages!
Politics too ! Its time to say something ! Religion and children have nothing to do with each other. My first wife was / is Gay, but we DID have one child anyway !( I did not know she was gay at the time ). Yes I feel I lost one great Gal over the " deal breaker attitude" I had ......Ether way, we can still dream about our choices....and the timing thing.
When someone asks if you have children how about "we have no children." No explanation is needed.
But there is a societal problem here.
When a person has no children some/many folks feel sad for them, as though they must want kids but cannot have them for some reason. They are invited sometimes to family gatherings, as though they are missing something.
When people say they do have children, there are those who feel pity for their wasted lived, but say nothing.
I think people with children, some of them, are extraordinarily militant about how others should put up with their offspring screeching on airplanes, in apartments, in restaurants, supermarkets, department stores, and movie theaters and cruises. They impose their offspring on the rest of the world and seem to feel no apology whatsoever for doing it.
Of course, the rest of us are more than mildly annoyed.
There was a time in which, if you could not control your child, keep him from raising his voice and running about, you kept him home and stayed home with him until he was controllable. Believe me, it does NOT take a village. Just the other day a grown man slugged a kid on a plane for being too noisy. It's not the kid's fault. The parents should never have brought the kid on the plane in the first place.
But there is a societal problem here.
When a person has no children some/many folks feel sad for them, as though they must want kids but cannot have them for some reason. They are invited sometimes to family gatherings, as though they are missing something.
When people say they do have children, there are those who feel pity for their wasted lived, but say nothing.
I think people with children, some of them, are extraordinarily militant about how others should put up with their offspring screeching on airplanes, in apartments, in restaurants, supermarkets, department stores, and movie theaters and cruises. They impose their offspring on the rest of the world and seem to feel no apology whatsoever for doing it.
Of course, the rest of us are more than mildly annoyed.
There was a time in which, if you could not control your child, keep him from raising his voice and running about, you kept him home and stayed home with him until he was controllable. Believe me, it does NOT take a village. Just the other day a grown man slugged a kid on a plane for being too noisy. It's not the kid's fault. The parents should never have brought the kid on the plane in the first place.
We have no control what people think about our personal choices or circumstances. I don't think there is a societal problem....I think there are nosy and sometimes rude individuals...but certainly not all.
I do regret having children. I had three. I am 68 years old. I had them at 19, 20 and 28 years of age. I have been married for 50 years. More than regretting having children I regret getting married. I feel like life has been sucked out of me.
When others say they do not want children or they only want one. I never tell them they will be sorry. I tell them they should do what they want to do. The choice is their’s and they should do what they want to do.
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